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Review: Goldengirl (1979)

Marketing/merchandising expert James Coburn is enlisted to join the team for athlete Goldine (Susan Anton) who hopes to win three sprinting gold medals at the upcoming Olympics in Moscow. However, Goldine (AKA Goldengirl) is no ordinary track athlete. Her German scientist adoptive father (Curd Jurgens) has designed and moulded her from birth to be a super athlete. Hormone injections included. John Newcombe plays another client/creation of Jurgens, a tennis pro. Robert Culp briefly turns up as a sports announcer, Leslie Caron is a shrink, Harry Guardino and Michael Lerner play two of the businessmen with an investment in Goldengirl.   Directed by Joseph Sargent ( “The Taking of Pelham One, Two, Three” but also “Jaws the Revenge” ), this 1979 box-office flop is so bad, it’s a lucky thing hardly anyone has seen it. Scripted by John Kohn ( “Reach for Glory” ) from a Peter Lear novel, it’s not only incredibly boring, it’s truly embarrassing. I’ve never seen a film seemingly destine...
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Review: The Whales of August (1987)

The story of two elderly sisters living in a seaside home, tempestuous Bette Davis and the more genial Lillian Gish (93 years-old at the time). The sisters are occasionally visited by an aging, salt-of-the-earth caretaker (Harry Carey Jr.), a neighbour (Ann Sothern), and even romantic Russian immigrant Vincent Price, who is currently down on his luck.   Almost the entirety of cinematic history up to its release date is on show here making this small, otherwise not terribly significant 1987 film a must-see. I’m normally of the belief that script is king, and here the screenplay by David Berry (no further or prior film credits) lacks a compelling story and very clearly shows its stage origins. As directed by Lindsay Anderson ( “This Sporting Life” , “If…” ), I really shouldn’t like this film, if you’ve read my criticisms before about ‘stagey’ films. Not a lot happens here. And yet, 100+ years of cinematic history is right there before your eyes. It’s a rare case of being captiva...
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Review: Aftershock (1990)

Set in your standard post-apocalyptic worldview where Richard Lynch and John Saxon run the world in fascist, militaristic fashion. Into this horrible scenario drops a beautiful alien (Elizabeth Kaitan) here on a research mission, and unsurprisingly she attracts the attention of our villains and is quickly imprisoned. There she will be freed and team up with motorcycle-riding Jay Roberts Jr., and smart-mouthed Chuck Jeffreys to take part in a resistance. Christopher Mitchum plays the leader of the resistance who has past ties to Roberts. Chris De Rose plays a bounty hunter, whilst James Lew is Saxon’s chief henchman, and Michael Standing plays an Australian member of the resistance group (and does a more than decent Aussie accent).   “Low Blow” and “Killpoint” director Frank Harris, screenwriter-actor Michael Standing, and a cast full of cult actors and stunt performers. The result? A mixed bag that probably should’ve played to the strengths of the majority of its cast and the...
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Review: Violent Night (2022)

On Christmas Eve, disillusioned Santa Claus (David Harbour) stumbles onto a heist in progress as ‘Scrooge’ (John Leguizamo) and his criminal team (Mitra Suri and Brendan Fletcher among them) pose as caterers for a wealthy family hosting a family Christmas party. They’re there to rob the vault of family matriarch Gertrude (Beverly D’Angelo). Santa was just stopping by for the free alcohol but his better/violent instincts kick in and he decides to help young Trudy (Leah Brady) and her affluent brood. Cam Gigandet plays the idiot actor boyfriend of D’Angelo’s alcoholic daughter Alva (Edi Patterson).   Mel Gibson gave us a gun-running Santa in the slightly underrated “Fatman” , and now David Harbour and director Tommy Wirkola (the slightly overrated “Dead Snow” ) put their own spin on the ‘Christmas Action Movie’ idea with this 2022 film. I’m still likely to go with “Die Hard” , “Lethal Weapon” , or “First Blood” (yes, there’s Christmas decorations in it) for my ‘Christmas Action...
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Review: Scream VI (2023)

Sisters Jenna Ortega and Melissa Barrera face a new Ghostface killer in New York, whilst Hayden Panettiere shows up as Kirby Reed, now an FBI agent. Reporter Gail Weathers (Courteney Cox) is back too, as are several other characters from previous “Scream” films, particularly the previous one (including twins played by Jasmin Savoy Brown and Mason Gooding). Dermot Mulroney plays a detective who is also the father of Liano Liberato who plays Barrera’s new roommate. Henry Czerny has a small role as a therapist, and Samara Weaving appears early as a University professor.   I liked the first “Scream” film just fine, and at the time I enjoyed “Scream 2” and “Scream 3” slightly less ‘just fine’. Over the years though, I’ve found I just don’t care about the latter two at all anymore. Or the franchise as a whole to be honest. The original is all you need, though I will say this 2023 film from directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett is a step and a quarter up from the dire...
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Review: The Wasp Woman (1960)

Michael Mark plays a disgruntled scientist specialising in wasps who gets fired from his job. Mark discovers that the royal jelly created by wasps has greater rejuvenating properties than that of bees, and takes his services to New York and the cosmetics company owned by Susan Cabot. Cabot even tries the stuff herself, and it works wonders on her aging skin. There are side effects, however…     Although much closer to a B-movie than a Z-movie, this 1960 film from director Roger Corman ( “Little Shop of Horrors” , “A Bucket of Blood” , “Fall of the House of Usher” , “Tomb of Ligeia” ) still isn’t quite good enough to get a B- rating or full recommendation from me. The performances by Susan Cabot, Michael Mark, and Barboura Morris stand out, and the plot and dialogue aren’t too shabby, either. Scripted by actor Leo Gordon (who also wrote “Attack of the Giant Leeches” and “The Terror” for Corman), the setting in the beauty/rejuvenation world is clever, and certainly better...
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Review: Dorian Gray (1970)

Set in London in the late 60s, the vain young man of the title (Helmut Berger) is aimlessly drifting through life when he poses for his artist friend Richard Todd. Meanwhile he is encouraged into debauchery and decadence by jaded Herbert Lom, as Dorian also takes the virginity of young actress Marie Liljedahl. But Dorian starts to resent the portrait that is ageless whilst he’s doomed to mortality. Well actually, a funny thing starts to happen with that painting…   Schlock producer Harry Alan Towers gives us a relatively serious adaptation of the Oscar Wilde novel in this 1970 film and almost pulls it off. The film is OK for what it is, but none of the actors beyond Helmut Berger and Herbert Lom offer up accomplished enough performances to make this approach work. So it might’ve been better for Towers to encourage director Massimo Dallamano (cinematographer on two of Sergio Leone’s “Dollars” trilogy) to ratchet up the exploitation content. Or better yet, bring in old friend J...
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Review: Pit Fighter (2005)

Dominique Vandenberg plays an amnesiac pit fighter, who is managed by mafia-connected Steven Bauer. Vandenberg keeps having flashes of a woman (Stana Katic) whose identity he can’t yet place, but slowly it all starts to come back to him. Scott Adkins has a non-fighting role as a man from Vandenbeg’s past, whilst Stephen Graham plays a character connected to Katic.   An early collaboration between writer-director Jesse V. Johnson and martial arts actor Scott Adkins, this dreadful 2005 film is a long way from “Savage Dog” , “Accident Man” , and “Avengement” . Adkins was still in the early stages of his career and thus is barely an extra here in what may be the worst film he’s been involved in. Yes, worse than “Max Cloud” , “Black Mask 2” , “Dead Reckoning” , and “The Legend of Hercules” . It’s been poorly edited, it’s needlessly confusing and dreadfully boring. I wonder how Johnson looks back on this one because his films are usually competent at the very least, whereas the narra...
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