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Review: The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried

The title character is essentially a German version of Hercules, a virile warrior (played by Raimund Harmstorf) who wants to marry the comely Kriemhild (Sybil Danning). However, her brother the King first demands a favour from Siegfried. He’s got marriage on the mind too, but it’s complicated. You see, the King has a little problem. A little problem that can be solved by Siegfried’s titular…er, long sword. So in true Cyrano fashion (albeit kinkier) the King asks Siegfried to stand in for him in the boudoir and pleasure the very demanding Queen Brunhild in the dark so she agrees to marry The King.   Also known as “The Erotic Adventures of Siegfried” , this somewhat obscure 1971 softcore romp from director/actor Adrian Hoven (who produced “Mark of the Devil” of all things) is light-hearted, naughty fun. With so many boring softcore films out there I like to commend films that do it right like this, “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls” , and “Emmanuelle II” . So if this is your thin...
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Review: House of 1,000 Dolls

Sancho Gracia tells his friends George Nader and wife Ann Smyrner that his wife (Maria Rohm) has been kidnapped. Meanwhile, nightclub magician Vincent Price and his assistant (Martha Hyer) whose biggest trick is bringing a beautiful woman on stage and making her disappear. Hmmm.   One of Vincent Price’s lesser-known genre pictures, this 1967 ‘white slavery’ film was directed by Jeremy Summers of “Five Golden Dragons” mediocrity. A film with Vincent Price and this lurid subject matter ought to be a winner. With Vincent Price, mud wrestling, sex slavery, and so forth the plot synopsis reads much sleazier and interesting than the experience of watching it actually is (I hear the German cut is even sleazier, with scenes filmed without Price or Hyer’s knowledge, the usual Harry Alan Towers tactic). Scripted by the film’s producer Harry Alan Towers ( “99 Women” , “The Bloody Judge” ), it’s too talky and unwieldy.   I can understand the obscurity of this one, even Price see...
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Review: The Snorkel

Peter Van Eyck devised a way to murder his wife. He drugs her, gasses the room, seals it up, hides under the floorboards and uses a snorkel attached to air pipes to that he can breathe. When the body is eventually discovered and police see that the house has been locked from the inside with no signs of anyone else around? The crime is judged to be suicide. Van Eyck can emerge from his hiding spot at a convenient time and walk away unscathed. However, his young stepdaughter (Mandy Miller) already suspects Van Eyck of having killed her father some time ago and is determined to prove him guilty of this crime as well. Betta St. John plays Miller’s governess who falls under the charming Van Eyck’s spell, whilst Gregoire Aslan plays the police inspector who dismisses the child’s accusations.   Based on a story by character actor Anthony Dawson (co-star of “Dr. No” and “Dial M For Murder” ), this is essentially a Hammer version of Hitchcock’s “Shadow of a Doubt” . A nifty 1958 crime...
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Review: Puppet Master II

Paranormal psychologists (including Charlie Spradling) converge at a hotel in Bodega Bay after hearing about the events of the first film. Unsurprisingly, Andre Toulon’s living puppets don’t take kindly to visitors and start bumping them off. Nita Talbot plays a psychic, and Steven Welles eventually turns up as a heavily-bandaged man who claims to have inherited the hotel. He allows them to stay through their investigations, but won’t allow them into his quarters. George ‘Buck’ Flower and Sage Allen play a couple of elderly farmers.   Full Moon’s resident FX guy David Allen ( “The Primevals” ) takes the helm for this 1990 sequel to the film that helped build Charles Band’s other company after the end of Empire Pictures. Although most reviews state that Allen wasn’t up for the task of directing, I actually think this one’s ever-so slightly better than the first film. Basically “Prince of Darkness” with puppets, it’s essentially the same film done marginally more effectively, w...
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Review: Chantal

Mousy small-town girl Chantal (Misty Mundae) arrives in Hollywood with stars in her eyes and hopes of acting glory. Instead she’s immediately preyed upon, tricked, used, and abused by the more low-rent individuals in the entertainment industry. These include photographers (Darian Caine, Andrea Davis, and Julie Strain) as well as a hardened call girl played by Julian Wells.   Back around the early to mid 2000s, I was a bit of a hired gun over at the long-defunct Film Asylum website (not to be confused with my other former gig at The Horror Asylum, which I believe is under new management). It seemed like whenever a new Seduction Cinema or E.I. Independent Cinema film was released, I was volunteering for the review gig. If you’ve heard of those labels and have read enough of my reviews on here, it’s probably obvious why I was the man for that job: Lots of ladies who prefer the company of other ladies is a shared theme. They weren’t high-brow entertainment and weren’t trying to be,...
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Review: The Land Before Time

Set in Prehistoric times, with changing climate making precious vegetation scarce for the Earth’s herbivores. Young brontosaurus Littlefoot (voiced by Gabriel Damon from “RoboCop 2” ) hears of a promised land with plenty of vegetation and no danger from the carnivirous dinosaurs who prey on his kind. He leads a band of herbivores on a journey to their new home. Pat Hingle (who also narrates) and Helen Shaver voice Littlefoot’s parents, the late Judith Barsi provides the voice of the excitable Ducky, Candace Hutson voices ‘three horn’ triceratops Cera, and Will Ryan is the voice of anxious pteranodon Petrie, who hasn’t quite mastered flying yet.   No one will confuse this 1988 Don Bluth ( “An American Tail” , “All Dogs Go to Heaven” , “Titan A.E.” ) animated movie for being the best animated movie of all time. However, for those of us of a certain generation it holds a special place in our childhood memories and hopefully our adult hearts. Basically “Bambi” with dinosaurs, my c...
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Review: Journey Into Fear

Sam Waterston plays an American geologist in Turkey on business who seems to be the target for murder. Joseph Wiseman plays a local cop, Zero Mostel is a loud Turkish embassy official, and Yvette Mimieux plays a French singer with full-on  “Allo, Allo”  accent. Donald Pleasence turns up as a fidgety tobacco salesman who doesn’t smoke and whose company may not exist, and why is he always following Waterston around? Vincent Price plays a Persian archaeologist who is very obviously not what he claims to be. Shelley Winters and Stanley Holloway play husband and wife, and Ian McShane plays a hired killer.   This 1975 adaptation of the Eric Ambler novel was directed by Daniel Mann ( “Come Back, Little Sheba” ,  “Our Man Flint” ) and has a pretty fashionable cast for its time. The 1943 version had Orson Welles and Joseph Cotten, and is a bit of a critical darling. The 1975 version was dismissed by critics at the time, and has been relegated to obscurity. Vince...
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Review: Dear Zachary – A Letter to a Son About His Father

Documentarian Kurt Kuenne tells the story of his friend Dr. Andrew Bagby, a well-loved and respected man murdered in cold-blood at just 28 years old. Kuenne frames this film as a tribute to his friend but specifically for Andrew’s son Zachary to understand the father who was tragically taken away from him before his birth. This would sadly not be the only tragedy documented before the film’s completion.   Whenever I see a discussion about the best true crime documentaries, this 2008 Kurt Kuenne film is almost always mentioned. As is the notion that it’s a devastating film that will emotionally wreck you. So if you’ve not seen the film, go ahead and watch it first. You should generally read my reviews afterwards anyway. Nonetheless, bear that description in mind because this film does seem to upset the vast majority of people who have seen it. I can definitely understand why, however my main emotion both times I’ve watched this film – yes, I’ve subjected myself to it twice over ...
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