Shameless Self Expression

Idiot wimp Scot Williams wants to propose to his girlfriend but gets whisked away by his even bigger idiot mates (Gil Darnell, Oliver Jackson, and Anthony Strachan) to go and do a spot of armed robbery against gangster Vinnie Jones. After a scuffle with his accomplices at the airport, Williams wakes up somehow in Lithuania. He tries to locate the other idiots, but being the idiots that they are, they’ve got their own problems in the horribly depicted seedy, supposedly backwoods country. Meanwhile, an enraged Jones learns of their whereabouts and ventures to Lithuania himself to get back what is his. If the idea of a Lithuanian-funded blend of Guy Ritchie and “The Hangover” sounds like your idea of fun, you might get something out of this 2015 Emilis Velyvis alleged comedy. I think it’s everything I don’t want in a film, pitiful, useless anti-entertainment that did absolutely nothing for me for far too long. The characters are completely irredeemably awful and needed a

Naïve New York Uni student Lorena Izzo hooks up with greenie student activist group led by the supposedly charismatic Alejandro (Ariel Levy) and gets roped into going to Peru with them to protest against rainforest logging and the cruel relocation of a local tribe there. After the stunt, they’re set to leave when their plane unexpectedly goes down. Some of them die in the crash, the others like Izzo and dickhead Alejandro are set upon by a cannibal tribe who carry them back to their village, and imprison them until they’re ready to kill and eat them. Perhaps they should’ve just let the tribe get interfered with in the first place! Richard Burgi turns up briefly as Izzo’s not very likeable lawyer father. I think it’s safe to say that Eli Roth and I just aren’t ever gonna be able to hang. Both he and Quentin Tarantino have cinephile sensibilities as I do, but unlike Roth, at least QT and I seem to enjoy a lot of the same films. “Cabin Fever” suggested that Roth liked “The Evil

The Resistance are seemingly outmatched by the forces of The First Order, under Supreme Leader Snoke (Andy Serkis) and General Hux (Domhnall Gleeson). They also seem to have developed new powers to track Gen. Leia Organa’s (The late Carrie Fisher) ships in hyperspace, previously thought to be impossible. Despite the heroics of Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac), lives are lost. Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) has a chance to destroy the ship his mother Leia is on, but gets conflicted about it. Meanwhile, Rey (Daisy Ridley) has arrived at the current home of Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) and finds him an aging, broken shell of a once powerful force of good. He has refused to train any more Jedi after what he feels was failing his last pupil, Kylo Ren/Ben Solo. Although somewhat pleased to see old friends Chewbacca, R2D2, and C3P0, Luke refuses to train Rey. In fact, he appears to be completely disillusioned with the Force, Jedis, the whole lot of it. He wants to be left alone to die. Whilst attempting

Long-time Secret Service Agent Michael Douglas (who took a bullet the day Reagan was shot!) has a secret- he’s bonking the First Lady (Kim Basinger)! So when the supposed murder of a secret service agent (director Clark Johnson himself, in a self-indulgent cameo) brings about the notion of a mole in the Secret Service who is conspiring to assassinate the President (David Rasche), poor Douglas becomes the prime suspect. Why? Because he flunked a lie detector test. When asked if he has ever compromised the presidency, he couldn’t help but think of his diddling the First Lady, and oops, that needle starts having an epileptic fit. Kiefer Sutherland is a former associate of Douglas’ who hates him because he thinks he had an affair with his then wife, and not surprisingly, he’s the lead investigator in the case. Eva Longoria is Sutherland’s new recruit. Martin Donovan plays another secret service agent. 2006 Clark Johnson (the utterly ordinary revamp of “SWAT” ) political thriller

When the idiot Johnson Brothers (Albert Popwell and Caro Kenyatta) fall afoul of a lesbian drug lord known only as The Dragon Lady (Stella Stevens), narcotics agent Cleopatra Jones (Tamara Dobson) hops on a plane to Hong Kong. She eventually gets partnered up with local woman Mi Ling (played by Tanny, otherwise known as Ni Tien), who isn’t too bad at handling herself in a fight, either. Eventually the action moves to The Dragon Lady’s titular casino and Macau where she has basically kept the Johnsons prisoner. Michael Ansara-lookalike Christopher Hunt (who has bizarrely sparse acting credits suggesting there’s a bit of a story there) plays The Dragon Lady’s chief enforcer Mendez, whilst Norman Fell is Cleo’s boss, Stanley. The original “Cleopatra Jones” was total nonsense, but a really enjoyable blend of Blaxploitation and Roger Moore-era James Bond silliness. It was fun nonsense. This 1975 sequel from director Chuck Bail (mostly a TV director, he previously helmed the Blaxp

Set in Louisiana, surly trucker (Rick Cramer) gets into an auto accident with the local voodoo woman, who just happens to be carrying snakes that hold some evil souls. Put the two together and hey, presto! You got yourself a seemingly unstoppable, zombie trucker killer who preys on the young folk in the area, including the voodoo lady’s granddaughter (Meagan Good). Agnes Bruckner and Jonathan Jackson are an on-and-off couple, whilst a slumming Bijou Phillips plays the resident tart (a big stretch, no doubt). James Pickens Jr. and Method Man play the local law enforcement. 2005 film from director Jim Gillespie isn’t exactly the giant killer snake film the title implies, instead it’s a mixture of voodoo horror, zombie flick, and Gillespie’s own “I Know What You Did Last Summer” . Thankfully, it’s better than the aforementioned slasher yawner, but still not all that great. Call it “I Know What You Did Last Summer Down on the Bayou” . Aside from a few unnecessary jump cuts,

Three teenage girls (Anya Taylor-Joy and Haley Lu Richardson being two of them) are kidnapped and held prisoner by Kevin (James McAvoy). Kevin also goes by other names…because Kevin actually suffers from a split personality disorder. He apparently has over 20 differing personalities, some more dangerous than others. By the end of the film, another personality is set to emerge. Betty Buckley plays Kevin’s shrink who is far less effective than she seems to think in treating the man. Although I’m one of the few who actually sorta liked “The Happening” and “After Earth” , it’s fair to say at least from a critical POV, M. Night Shyamalan (whose best film to date is still the tense “Signs” ) had been in a disastrous rut for a while before rebounding quite nicely with “The Visit” (Despite its completely unnecessary ‘found footage’ structure and annoying child actor in the lead). This 2017 effort from the writer-director proved quite popular with most people it seemed as well. Unfo

James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) teams up with Chinese secret agent Wai Lin (Michelle Yeoh) to take down media baron Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce), who is trying to start a war between Britain and China for profit and ratings boosts (He wants his services broadcast in China). A personal beef between Bond and Carver comes in the form of his sultry wife Paris (Teri Hatcher, looking immaculate), a former lover of Bond’s. Gotz Otto plays Carver’s chief torturer Mr. Stamper, Ricky Jay is Carver’s tech whiz Gupta, and Vincent Schiavelli plays efficient if pompous hitman Dr. Kaufman. Look for cameos by a chubby Hugh Bonneville, Gerard Butler, and Michael Byrne. This good-looking 1997 Roger Spottiswoode (The solid “Deadly Pursuit” , the mediocre “Tango & Cash” , the dreadful “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot” , and the not-bad “The 6 th Day” ) flick was the first Bond movie I ever saw, followed closely by “Dr. No” , which is my favourite Bond film. I liked it then and it’s still one of my