Review: Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey

Set in 14^th century, in a small Cumbrian mining village ravaged by the Black Death (i.e. the plague). Hamish McFarlane plays a young boy who claims to have had a vision that told him that the plague will pass over the village if they all make a pilgrimage to a mysterious land, carrying a cross to put atop a church. This involves digging a huge tunnel through the centre of the Earth...which leads them to present day New Zealand! Needless to say, the Christian villagers are bewildered, frightened, and obviously fish out of water. In a cast mixing Aussies and Kiwis, Bruce Lyons, Chris Haywood, Paul Livingston (better known as oddball Aussie comedy character Flacco), and Marshall Napier are amongst the villagers. Jay Laga’aia turns up as a modern day Kiwi welder.

Everyone’s been through it at some point in their life, and you never, ever forget it. Being dragged to the cinema by someone (usually a date or your parents) to see a film you have absolutely no interest in, but they’re really excited to see it. ‘It’s critically acclaimed!’ my father assured my brother and I. It was 1988, I was 8 years old, and the film was New Zealand filmmaker Vincent Ward’s “Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey”, a film set in plague-ridden Medieval times (the plague being my least favourite thing about Medieval history) that was also a time-travelling fable. The experience was so traumatising that it became a family joke, even to this day. It really wasn’t my dad’s finest hour. Watching it again recently, I’m surprised that I’m unchanged in my views on it. 8 year old me actually did have some taste. Behold, one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my life.

Look at that synopsis, people. This film is so bad, it makes me wish I’d included this in my ‘Worst Movie Premises of All-Time’ list I did a while back, because this is just such a stupid idea for a film. It’s just facile, and I don’t give a shit that it won the Palme d’Or at Cannes. The jury were clearly on mind-altering drugs at the time, because this film is largely inaccessible to anyone who doesn’t have their head completely up their arse or ravaged by years of drug abuse. The film is batshit and stupid, as evidenced by the laughable scene where the resident scared fat guy finds himself frightened by the prospect of crossing a busy highway. ‘Coz he’s medieval. And fat. And scared. And stupid. Really, really, stupid. It’s supposed to be a tearful moment when they need to leave him behind, apparently. Well, I did have tears...of laughter.

 A psychic boy convinces medieval villagers to dig a tunnel during the black plague? Oh shut up. They follow this kid way too blindly if you ask me, and way too quickly. Ward comes up with such an awfully dopey premise and stupid scenes for a filmmaker with such obviously arty, pretentious, and slow-moving intentions. Oh, and a bloody awful Gregorian chant music score by Davood Tabrizi. Mustn’t forget that, it’s laughably bad and unbearably overstated throughout. It’s an extremely noisy film, actually.

This is one of those irritatingly experimental, arty, weird, and pretentious dour films, but it’s at the service of something incredibly stupid. I like a good fable or fantasy, but this is a load of crap that wouldn’t have even been tolerable as a short film. It’s the kind of uber-pretentious, self-serious nonsense that Monty Python would take the piss out of. Or maybe it’s a sequel to “Time Bandits”, only someone forgot the humour. And the midgets (Think about it, though, the kid leads the others through time. Pretty similar). Does Ward think he’s Ingmar Bergman (“The Seventh Seal”) or something?

The fact that Ward has instructed his Aussie and Kiwi actors to affect Scottish brogues, really doesn’t help. In fact, it makes the dialogue indecipherable at times. The casting of Paul Livingston (AKA Flacco, a comedy character who is like a combination of Pee-Wee Herman and Danny DeVito in “Batman Returns”) in a relatively straight role as one of the villagers is a major mistake. He’s supremely annoying throughout. But then, even a fine Aussie actor like Chris Haywood can’t do much in this utter nonsense and is as awful as everyone else (Marshall Napier probably comes off best, but not by much). The script is awful, not just because of the batshit premise, but there’s little if any character depth to speak of. So why the hell should I care?

The only thing this film has even remotely going for it is definitely the cinematography by Geoffrey Simpson (“Green Card”, “Little Women”, “Shine”), which mixes B&W and colour. It’s a visually striking film (most Ward films are), though the B&W is a bit grainy and cheap-looking at times. The lighting is certainly excellent, though. But it doesn’t help, Ward can shoot pretty pictures but he’s a shit filmmaker and storyteller. He just is (Have you seen “What Dreams May Come”?). When you get to the ending, you’ll be seriously struggling to fight the urge to beat your own brains in. It makes the entire film seem pointless, and the kind of thing a 10 year old would come up with.

Yes it’s an original story to be sure, but it’s dopey and I hate it. I didn’t get this anymore at age 31 than I did at age 8. It only runs 90 minutes, but it feels like three weeks and a kick to the nuts. Oh, and parents, please, for the love of God, if you do see this film, do not show this to your kids. It’s sentencing them to a fate worse than (Black) death!

Rating: F