Review: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
The children of Mars feel miserable and neglected at Christmastime
(Having been raised on Earth TV programming), and so the elders of Mars, led by
Kimar (Leonard Hicks) and his distasteful cohort Voldar (Vincent Beck) decide
to kidnap Santa Claus (John Call) and bring him to Mars. No, I’m not kidding.
They even kidnap a couple of Earth kids too, in case they rat them out...or
something. Bill McCutcheon plays the aptly named Martian Dropo, who is a bit
light in the head and always screwing things up by accident.
Christmas is full of TV specials and films dedicated to the holiday, and
I have a select few things I try to watch every year. Lots of people I know
watch “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”, and whilst I enjoy that
one, I prefer the trio of “The Muppet Christmas Carol”, “Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer” (though any other Rankin/Bass stop-motion special will
suffice), and this 1964 oddity from director Nicholas Webster (who directed
episodes of “Mannix”, “Get Smart”, and “The Waltons”) and
writer Glenville Mareth (mercifully his only credit). I’m a sick bastard, OK?
I get the feeling that everyone involved might’ve intended this film to
be a harmless kids film for the holidays (it even has the future Uncle Wally
from “Sesame Street” Bill McCutcheon mugging away), but there’s one
small problem: It’s one of the worst films ever made. A staple of many Worst
Films of All-Time lists (including my own, at #9 and in between “Killers
From Space” and “Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey”), this is a
one-of-a-kind experience that might’ve been tolerable for kids as a 30 minute
cartoon, but as feature-length, live-action it’s a cheap rip-off and deadly
stuff.
If you’ve ever wondered why aliens are yet to make first contact with us,
this film might explain why: They’re fucking morons who couldn’t find their
arses with their antennae. Given how cheap this all looks, I wouldn’t trust the
quality control coming from Santa’s Workshop either, and since the elves
working for him look like little kids, one has to wonder if Santa’s Workshop
wasn’t really a sweat shop! At the very least, they’re dwarves with fake pointy
ears, which is enough to send Tolkien purists into apoplexy. Actually, there’s
something fishy going on with all these Martian children anyway. Kemar’s kids
don’t look very happy whenever their dad walks into a room, and I doubt very
much whether it was pushing buttons all day that gave Santa a tired finger. I
know, bad taste, but watch this film and tell me you don’t end up thinking the
same things. There’s just something ‘off’ about it all. Then again, we’re
talking about a movie about Martians kidnapping Santa, not to mention a movie
with a putrid title song called ‘Hooray for Santy Claus’. Yes, Santy Claus.
Even Burl Ives couldn’t have done much with that noxious little ditty.
Even if you accept this nonsense as tongue-in-cheek fare for the juvenile
set, one still has to put up with the irritating performances by John Call and
Bill McCutcheon, as well as one of the worst performances of all-time from Vincent
Beck. I’m all praises for “Sesame Street”, but 20 seconds of
McCutcheon’s work as Dropo and his comic stylings will have you yearning for
the subtle acting of Jim Freakin’ Nabors. Shazam! I don’t normally find murder
acceptable, but for Dropo, one might make an exception. He makes Jar-Jar Binks
innocuous by comparison. Most irritating film character of all-time? Certainly
he’s a contender.
Fun fact: Martians with facial hair (Vincent Beck) look ten times as
ridiculous and are even worse actors than those without facial hair. Their
helmets look like shithouse art projects too. Leonard Hicks isn’t exactly
Laurence Olivier or anything, but he sure seems to have been inspired by the
work of Charlton Heston with his vocal intonations. John Call must’ve paid the
filmmakers to let him play Santa Claus here, either that or he boned the
director. His performance is that dull, rather glum. In fact, he spends the
whole film acting like he was just violently awoken from a nap. And this guy’s
Santa? I know the dude works tirelessly, but where’s the holiday cheer? All
credit to him and the other actors for one thing, though: They actually manage
to keep straight faces throughout this shit, with Hicks and Beck deserving
credit for not cutting up whilst engaging in the most incompetent and
phony-looking fist-fight in cinematic history.
God this film is cheap, rivalling the work of Edward D. Wood Jr. (“Plan
9 From Outer Space”), at times. Forgive my crudeness, but the polar bear in
this film is the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen on film, and I’ve seen Lou
Ferrigno punch a guy in a shitty bear suit right into outer space! The giant
robot is so cheap it wouldn’t even make it into the final cut of a “Godzilla”
film. It’s the children I feel sorry for, that green makeup was probably a pain
and I wouldn’t be surprised if it- and the film itself- scarred them for life.
Cheap, irritating, appallingly acted, and only fun on a derisive level.
On any traditional level it’s one of the worst films of all-time, and
mainstream audiences likely won’t care to see it. On a derisive level, it’s still one of the worst films of
all-time, but might just also be worth watching if you’re in the mood for some
unintentional fun. It’s one-of-a-kind at the very least, and there’s even a
message...about turning off the TV sets...and...um...playing with Christmas
presents or something? Yeah, beats me. Oh, and look out for the ‘Custume
Designer’ credit. Hilarious.
Rating: F
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