Review: Cellular

Kim Basinger is a science teacher kidnapped by nasty intruders (led by a threatening Jason Statham), who keep her holed up in the attic of an undisclosed location. We soon learn that it’s her husband (Richard Burgi) they’re really after, as he’s got something they want. Unfortunately, she has absolutely no idea what they are talking about, and because she has seen Statham’s face, she’s worried about her fate. And her son’s, as the kidnappers claim to know which school he goes to. Surprisingly resourceful, Basinger realises that she can use the smashed up wall phone by somewhat putting it back together, and click on the wires a bit. It’s not perfect, but it’s all she has to go on and eventually she gets douchy beach bum Chris Evans on the line. At first he thinks it’s a crank call and hangs up on her. The dude’s just been dumped by his singularly unimpressed girlfriend (Jessica Biel) and is trying to win her back. But eventually, something in her voice tells him to help her out, and he informs cop William H. Macy, as per her instructions. He too is initially dismissive, and somewhat distracted by work, so in the meantime it’s up to Evans to man up and find Basinger’s kid and husband before the kidnappers get to them and do God knows what. Unhelpful citizens, traffic issues, low batteries, and dodgy mobile reception hamper his quest somewhat. Noah Emmerich plays a fellow cop, Caroline Aaron is Macy’s wife, whom he hopes to open a day spa (!) with when he retires. Lin Shaye plays a motorist with her music up way too loud for Evans to hear Basinger (who hilariously thinks Evans is flirting with her), whilst Rick Hoffman is an obnoxious lawyer whose expensive car Evans commandeers.

 

Schlock writer/director Larry Cohen (“It’s Alive!”, “Black Caesar”, “The Stuff”) wrote the story that this 2004 thriller is based on, and he has niftily reworked his “Phone Booth” concept by changing the size of the phone. By doing so and taking things out of the booth (though in a sense, Basinger is still in a confined space), Cohen, screenwriter Chris Morgan (“Wanted”, “Fast Five”), and late director David R. Ellis (enjoyable schlock like the infamous “Snakes on a Plane”) give us a schlocky slice of fun roughly as enjoyable as “Phone Booth”, if not slightly better. It lacks Kiefer Sutherland, and Kim Basinger is certainly not on Colin Farrell’s level (nor did she make for a decent Bond Girl in “Never Say Never Again”, if you’ll indulge the barely relevant criticism), but it still works perfectly fine. I’ve never thought of Basinger as being a tech-savvy science teacher (or an especially intelligent person at all, to be honest), but otherwise this is a solid role for her pretty mediocre talents. It’s a one-note, mostly passive role, but she handles it well (She’s certainly better than Jessica Biel, in a smaller role).

 

Chris Evans is perfectly cast as a douchebag who gets to redeem himself, somewhat. I really liked that Evans and Basinger played characters that defy expectations. One of them is smarter and more resourceful than you might think, the other is more selfless and heroic than he first appears. One might question whether such a selfish douchebag would end up being a hero, but Evans convinces. Is it because he’s now best known as “Captain America”? Or is it just that the film moves so fast one doesn’t question it? William H. Macy manages to make lemonade out of crap in a somewhat basic role that he manages to liven up. However, the only moment in the entire film that didn’t work for me involved his sudden turn into an action hero, albeit just for one scene. The wimpy husband in “Fargo”? I don’t think so. Perhaps his character was defying expectations too, but I didn’t buy that one.

 

Jason Statham is also relatively well-cast, though his American accent is so faint and inconsistent that it wouldn’t surprise me if people wondered why a Brit is employed in the position his character is in. Nonetheless, Statham is Statham, and here he’s effective. Noah Emmerich is pretty good too, albeit in a role very familiar for him. He’s played a wide variety of roles, but if Emmerich is cast as a cop, you know what that means already. The best work comes from two hilarious cameos by Lin Shaye and Rick Hoffman. The latter is particularly genius, in the same yuppie schmuck role he always plays. Their tongue-in-cheek work serves the film very well.

 

Plot, pacing, and length (90 minutes) are key here, and they’re all ticked boxes. It’s just a good yarn, one that doesn’t overstay its welcome, and one that breezes by quickly enough that I didn’t have time to notice any of the gaping holes that are probably present. It’s a B-movie, and not exactly memorable, but it is effective, watchable, and fast-paced thanks mostly to the exciting direction and editing (Ironically, it’s speedier than the wholly overrated and lethargic “Speed”). It’s the kind of thing you either go with or you sit there and nitpick. I went with it.

 

Rating: B-