Review: Swordfish

Hugh Jackman plays a recently paroled computer hacker who isn’t even allowed to touch a computer anymore. That doesn’t stop sexy Halle Berry and her employer John Travolta (an anti-terrorist guy who may or may not be a terrorist himself) from trying to hire him to aid them in an almost $10 billion electronic bank robbery (hacking into a secret government account). Berry uses her sex appeal (and her $500,000 breasts), but what really gets the reluctant, relative nice guy Jackman on board is the chance to regain custody of his daughter (Camryn Grimes) from her porn star mother (Drea de Matteo) and mum’s porno director new squeeze. Don Cheadle plays an FBI agent well-known to Jackman, and possibly on another collision course with him. Vinnie Jones and William Mapother are associates of Travolta’s, and Sam Shepard plays a corrupt Senator.

 

A boring action/crime flick from 2001 is further rendered near unwatchable due to a wank-job treatment by director Dominic Sena (who began work in music videos for Janet Jackson before directing “Kalifornia”,  “Gone in 60 Seconds”, and “Season of the Witch”) and cinematographer Paul Cameron (who would later overdose on cinematic masturbation in the remake of “Total Recall”), and a typically fatuous ‘Ain’t I cool?’ bad guy performance by John Travolta. The whole film overdoses on wannabe cool, and is entirely irritating, from performances, direction, cinematography, wardrobe, music score, and even the frosted tips in Jackman’s hair which make him even fruitier than when he played Peter Allen (He also wears a purple shirt at one point. Were they having a joke about his theatrical past or something?). Sena and Cameron’s go-to tricks are annoying colour correction (monochromatic colour tints/filters) and in one absolutely ridiculous and fake-looking scene, a circular tracking shot of a CGI explosion. It’s perhaps the most ridiculously over-the-top, pretentious set-piece I’ve ever seen...except there’s one later in the film that absolutely is the most ridiculously over-the-top, pretentious set-piece I’ve ever seen (you’ll know it when you see it, believe me).

 

The action is beyond ludicrous but not in any fun way because there isn’t any effort in providing genuine thrills, just style. The coloured filters are so bad that I couldn’t even enjoy Berry’s usually lovely skin colour, as it’s alternately green or yellow at times in this film (There is a lot of yellow here). Meanwhile, did you know that government agency interrogation rooms have green lighting? And matching interior decorating? At one point we even get purple lighting. Where outside of the movies do you find these places with such bright-coloured and all-consuming lighting? It’s the bane of my existence, as any of you familiar with my reviews are well aware of by now. You’d swear it was directed by an interior decorator or hair stylist.

 

Mr. Sena also has no concept of pacing or tension, something fatal in what is essentially a heist film. It takes at least 45 minutes before Travolta’s character finally brings up what is going to be the main heist in the film. That’s at least 15-20 minutes too late for a film that only runs a little over 90 minutes. The squeaky techno score by the normally reliable Christopher Young (“Hellraiser”, “Flowers in the Attic”, “Drag Me to Hell”) is nauseating and headache-inducing.

 

The characters are frankly all scummy and unlikeable, except maybe Jackman’s, but his is a cliché. His performance is probably the best of the leads, though (BTW, he also wears an earring. Forgot to mention that earlier. Sweet Fancy Moses). Acting is certainly not to Ms. Berry’s advantage, Oscar statue or not. Her performance is horribly forced here, and she certainly isn’t able to convey the complexities of her character, who is ultimately revealed to not be who she first appears. She can’t even get the femme fatale part right, let alone the twists and turns in her role. The mousy, sweet, somewhat fragile actress is clearly miscast. Being hot is only half of what is required of you, sweetie. Meanwhile, her expensive topless scene merely shows up the film’s rather quaint views on sleaze and sex. It’s not nearly as sexy as it thinks it is, few films are since the late 90s. Also, when you look at her roles in this, “Monster’s Ball”, and “Die Another Day”, one gets the feeling Berry wouldn’t be a favourite actress amongst feminists or strong, African-American women. There’s something a little bit questionable about her choice of roles, don’t you think? And coming from me, that’s saying something.

 

But Travolta’s the biggest problem, though opening the film with him talking about Hollywood making shit with bad performances is unintentionally hilarious. I guess Travolta’s character must’ve seen a lot of Travolta’s own films. Then again, this is the same idiot who thinks “Dog Day Afternoon” (which along with “Asphalt Jungle”, is the gold standard of all heist films) came out in 1976. Try 1975, douchebag. Well, OK, screenwriter Skip Woods (“X Men Origins: Wolverine”, the film version of “The A-Team”) is probably the douchebag. The name ‘Skip’ pretty much guarantees it, right? Travolta’s climactic terrorism/patriotism speech, meanwhile, is one of the most tired, clichéd things you’ll ever hear. Travolta has never impressed me as a bad guy and here he’s still imitating Nic Cage (His haircut even seems inspired by Cage). I didn’t like the impersonation in “Face/Off” (another action wank-job) and I don’t like it here, either. He isn’t even remotely threatening. You want to punch him, but that’s the actor, not the character. I think it’s the stupid beret that was the tipping point for me. I’m sure Travolta had fun playing the part (and admittedly the character isn’t at all what he first seems to be), but I took no pleasure in watching him. Vinnie Jones is well-cast but underused, Don Cheadle and Sam Shepard are wasted. Tate Donovan fares even worse, essentially playing ‘guy who sits while Shepard talks’.

 

I just had a really bad time with this one, but it’s a matter of style and taste for the most part, and I was never able to get into the film from the beginning. If you’re on this film’s wavelength, you’ll probably view it a lot more kindly than me. But for me it aggressively represents everything I hate about action movies from the years since it was made. It’s a pretentious, wannabe piece of crap film.

 

Rating: D