Review: Teen Wolf Too

Jason Bateman stars as the cousin of Michael J. Fox’s character in the original “Teen Wolf”. Bateman is headed to college and is a bit of a science geek, though the nasty dean (John Astin) wants him on the boxing team, hence why he has been admitted on a sports scholarship. Despite not showing any signs of being even remotely sporty. Could it be that Astin hopes Bateman carries the family’s lycanthropic curse and that his animal instincts will prove a money-maker in the boxing ring? Yep, and it does. Like last time, though, with great success comes great assholery as he shuns the pretty ‘good girl’ (Estee Chandler) for a party-hardy lifestyle. James Hampton is back as Fox’s dad and Bateman’s uncle, Kim Darby is a concerned science teacher, Beth Ann Miller is the hot blonde ‘bad girl’, Mark Holton reprises his fat guy role, Paul Sand plays the coach, and Stuart Fratkin takes on the role of Styles, formerly Fox’s best bud and now Bateman’s (formerly played by Jerry Levine in the original film).

 

The original “Teen Wolf” was no great movie, but released in 1985, it was good fun and one of my first ever trips to the cinema. This 1987 sequel from director Christopher Leitch (who went on to co-write “Universal Soldier”), however, is one of the worst films of all-time, and certainly one of the worst sequels of all-time. I only re-watched it because of stinking hot weather and bugger-all else on TV. Scripted by R. Timothy Kring (ever watch a TV show called “Heroes”?), from a story by Joseph Loeb II and Matthew Weisman (who both scripted one of Whoopi Goldberg’s flops, “Burglar”), it’s a shameless retread of the first film, except boxing instead of basketball (Instead of ‘Eye of the Tiger’, though, he has ‘Hair of the Dog’- I’m here all week, folks), and crappy vocal performance of ‘Do You Love Me’ instead of car-surfing to the Beach Boys (And although I loved that moment in the original, I doubt either scene is something teens of the 80s would go for). The cosmetic, minute differences are truly insulting (obviously everyone was hoping that Michael J. Fox would return, and obviously he read the script and bailed), so it’s no wonder the film was routinely panned.

 

Full credit to Jason Bateman (who, like Fox, started out on TV and was doing “Valerie” AKA “The Hogan Family” around this time) for recovering from this about 15-20 years later, after this film threatened to kill his promising career (mostly grounded in TV at the time). Don’t blame poor Jason for this, his dad Kent produced the film and probably used emotional blackmail to get Jason to agree to it (Total speculation on my part and not remotely serious).

 

It’s a cheap rip-off of a fun B-movie inspired by a famous B-movie of the 50s. Perhaps not incompetent, more shamefully unoriginal, creatively bankrupt, and tedious. The only improvement over the original is that brunette Estee Chandler is ten times as hot as blonde Beth Ann Miller (in a horrid performance that was one of her only appearances to date), so you actually want the brunette to get the guy. Michael J. Fox (who acted opposite Bateman’s sister Justine on “Family Ties”) picked the wrong one last time, if you ask me.

 

John Astin gives a lively performance that might be considered the only positive aspect of the film (though Mark Holton’s cut-rate Stephen Furst facial mugging isn’t bad), but he is swimming upstream here. He tries hard in a film way beneath his talents. James Hampton is once again OK, but in the film a whole lot less.

 

The biggest problem with the film for me (aside from the oddball Kim Darby and her irritating pixie cut) is that although he was a bit old for the part, Michael J. Fox’s lycanthropy in the original was like “I Was a Teenage Werewolf”, dealing with the changes to a young man’s body during puberty. Bateman, by contrast, is in college before he is even made aware of the lycanthropic family curse. Aside from the awesome ‘Send Me an Angel’, there’s a pretty run-of-the-mill soundtrack here, with two Oingo Boingo songs. It seems a whole lot more 1984-5 than 1987 to me. Where are the likes of Bon Jovi, G’n’R, and Poison? (“Revenge of the Nerds II” had a similar soundtrack the same year, but that was in-keeping with the songs from the first film, I guess) It just seemed odd to me. What can you say about a film that both Michael J. Fox and the original ‘Styles’ turned down? When Jerry Levine doesn’t sign on, you know you’re in for a world of hurt.

 

There isn’t a single laugh in the film, no matter how hard Astin and Holton try, and the cynical plagiarism at work here is practically criminal.

 

Rating: F