Review: The Canyons

A vapid film about vapid people in which the vapid Lindsay Lohan stars as Tara, who is the main squeeze of douchy LA millionaire Christian (porn star James Deen), who is fond of group sex rendezvous that Tara has seemingly tired of (And is even more tired of how indiscreet Christian is about their late-night activities). Christian has invested in a low-budget film project starring Ryan (Nolan Funk), who is dating Christian’s assistant (Amanda Brooks). What no one knows is that Ryan used to be a thing with Tara, but she left him because he couldn’t make her feel financially secure at the time. Reunited over this upcoming film project, the old spark reignites. Can they keep things a secret from each other’s’ spouses? Tenille Houston plays another woman known in the Biblical sense to both men (Since when was LA a small freakin’ town?), and Gus Van Sant turns up as Christian’s shrink (!).

 

I’m far from a Bret Easton Ellis (“Less Than Zero”, “American Psycho”) fan, but when I saw that this 2013 film involved Ellis, Lindsay Lohan, hardcore porn actor James Deen, and filmmaker Paul Schrader (director of “Blue Collar”, “Hardcore”, and “Auto Focus”, writer of “Taxi Driver”) at the helm, I figured it’d sure be something, good or bad. Well yes, it is indeed bad, but it’s a whole lot of nothing. Not only that, it feels like Ellis must’ve written this story decades ago, as the whole thing is passé and completely uninteresting. From what I can gather, it’s not based on any of his novels, Ellis merely wrote the screenplay, seemingly not having watched a movie or TV show in the last three decades. Swingers? Orgies? Really? In a 2013 film?

 

Perhaps most disappointing of all, when you look at all of the somewhat controversial names here (and you could even include cameo player Gus Van Sant in this category), it’s astounding just how tame this whole thing is from a sex and sleaze viewpoint. This is especially disappointing when you consider that Ellis has claimed that Lohan (who served as EP, I might add) was drunk throughout filming. In a film that already stars a hardcore porn actor (I’m not suggesting they should’ve taken advantage of Lohan’s inebriated state, as that would be a horrible thing to do. I’m just saying I’m surprised they didn’t take advantage). There was potential for this to be fun trash, full of nudity and sex, but unfortunately, although we get some nudity here and there, the film’s foursome scene is ruined by stupid fancy-arse lighting tricks and poor…um…

choreography.

 

No, this is just a boring waste of time, and amazingly it’s hardcore porn actor Deen who delivers the only decent performance in the whole film. He can actually act a bit, unlike everyone else here. That says just about everything, doesn’t it? One has to wonder why he chose the avenue he has chosen for himself when it’s quite clear that there are hundreds of worse actors out there in non-porn films. And he’s certainly no male model, either.

 

Usually when you turn up in a film with a hardcore porn actor, it means your career and life have pretty much crapped out. For Lohan, the last ten years have been one long crap-out. Lohan’s participation in this kinda reminds me of sleazy crap Carroll Baker turned up in from the late 60s when her career crapped out. Except this ain’t remotely sleazy enough. Her performance is the worst in the film, but I think most of the blame goes to off-screen issues sadly affecting her ability on-screen more than her simply being a horrid actress.

 

Lohan has rather nice tits (but doesn’t show the rest), Deen shows actual promise as a ‘legit’ actor, but this is terribly old-hat. Sex-wise it’s nothing special, and plot-wise it’s like a mid-90s T&A thriller about hedonists who get in over their heads. The bizarre thing is that some of the camerawork/shot composition and acting for the dialogue-heavy scenes, plus the California setting makes this seem at times like an episode of “The Hills” (A show I’ve never heard of…nor have I ever seen…Why are you looking at me like that?) with a bit of sex and nudity thrown in.

 

Why did Schrader direct this? Why did Ellis write it? He’s covered these soulless, amoral LA characters before, and they’re even less interesting than on previous occasions. What’s the message? Hollywood is full of empty people? So fucking what? We already know that, and making a film featuring such people… playing such people doesn’t make anyone clever for doing so. Was the script written 20 years ago or something? I hope so, but even then, who thought this film was worth releasing? (Answer: People trying to make a quick buck off of the teaming of publicity-shy Lindsay Lohan and Shakespearean thespian James Deen, no doubt). Oh, and I hope it was a clever in-joke that Lohan plays a character called Tara. ‘Coz, y’know…

 

Rating: D