Review: Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb

Things aren’t going well at the Natural History Museum, as Larry (Ben Stiller) discovers the exhibits are starting to freeze up and reverting to their wax state, perhaps permanently. The cause of this is that Ahkmenrah's (Rami Malek) tablet is starting to corrode. Now he must travel to the British museum to seek the exhibit that houses Ahkmenrah’s father (Sir Ben Kingsley) and get his help in correcting the problem before it’s too late. The whole gang, of course, accompanies Larry, including his teenage son (Skyler Gisondo), Dexter the monkey (played by Crystal the Monkey), and even a caveman exhibit who looks awfully familiar. Once they get there they also must contend with an arrogant Sir Lancelot (Dan Stevens), and a horny security guard (Rebel Wilson). Ricky Gervais (insincere museum owner, Steve Coogan (Octavius), Owen Wilson (Jedediah), and the late Robin Williams (Teddy Roosevelt) all reprise their roles, whilst the three unscrupulous security guards from the first film are back too (played by Dick Van Dyke, Bill Cobbs, and the late Mickey Rooney).

 

Even if Robin Williams’ death didn’t cast a pall over it, this 2014 film from Shawn Levy (the two previous films and “Cheaper By the Dozen”) would still be pretty pitiful and paltry anyway. The wheels completely fall off this otherwise cute but pretty disposable family franchise. I almost liked the first two films (the central idea is terrific), but this one’s just no fun at all, and I’m not at all surprised that Amy Adams didn’t return, and they even had to replace the kid (Skyler Gisondo in for Jake Cherry. I swear the former looks like Edward Norton and talks like Owen Wilson!).

 

The film starts with a random and frankly half-arsed “Indiana Jones” wannabe prologue, which immediately sends off alarm bells, though it’s always nice to see the underrated Matt Frewer on screen in a cameo. But half-arsed indeed sums up this whole film, from the cowboy and gladiator (Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan) discovering YouTube videos, to Rebel Wilson doing the same stupid shit she always does and is Never. Ever. Remotely. Funny. She also delivers the worst English accent of all-time. Yes, even worse than Dick Van Dyke’s cock-er-knee in “Mary Poppins”. Yes, even worse than Anthony LaPaglia’s pale Ozzy Osbourne imitation as Daphne’s brother on “Frasier”. Even the plot here feels more like “Night at the Museum 2.5” than “Night at the Museum 3”. Or perhaps “Night at the Museum: The Really Stale TV Movie that Somehow Made it to Theatres”. You really know a franchise is running out of gas when they move to another country/continent, and I say that as someone with a bit of fondness for “National Lampoon’s European Vacation”. It’s hardly “Police Academy: Mission to Moscow”, but it’s pretty tired. The strangest thing is that Ricky Gervais dials up the insincerity to 11 to the point where it seems like he’s phoning it in and somehow that still makes him amusing.

 

There’s amusing moments here and there in the film, I can’t deny that. The caveman who looks alarmingly like Stiller’s Larry (and there’s a good reason for that), is the highlight of the whole film. He’s hilarious. Also brilliant is Crystal the monkey, whose opening aerial stunt is spectacular, although hopefully faked with CGI. It’s amazing…and more than a little weird. There’s a cute reference to Pompeii, and a funny Jewish joke delivered by Sir Ben Kingsley, who clearly says yes to every script handed to him. Dick Van Dyke’s first moment on screen made me smile too (Bill Cobbs, meanwhile, always makes me smile. Love that guy!), though Mickey Rooney looks seriously unwell in his last film role.

 

As for the late, beloved Robin Williams…the film simply isn’t worthy of him, though let’s face it, he made worse films (There’s also a kind of tragic irony to the actor, late afflicted by Parkinson’s playing a wax figure come to life, but slowly losing their movement). His final scene kinda transcends a fictional film and goes straight to your heart, however. You’ll know what I mean if you see it. He is sorely missed to this day. Unfortunately, that moment is ruined by an ending that doesn’t even make any goddamn sense given everything that came before it! Ugh! Also, points off for not knowing that a Triceratops (or in this case, the re-animated skeleton of one) is a herbivore, not a carnivore, and thus would likely not chase after humans, let alone wax figures come to life. Who the hell doesn’t know that? And yes I do know how silly I sound. I’m still right. The cameos by Hugh Jackman and Alice Eve are truly awful. Hugh’s a great bloke and can do lots of things, but he ain’t naturally funny, especially when he’s trying to be (Eve is even more awkward and forced). As for the totally not fictitious Sir Lancelot (played by Dan Stevens), he’s Buzz Lightyear in the first “Toy Story”, a belligerent arse who doesn’t know he’s not really ‘real’. Like Buzz, he gets annoying real fast.

 

Tedious and tired, the monkey and the caveman are the only things worth a damn in this one I’m afraid. Even Stiller (in his main role at least) comes across as particularly irritable here, and until his final scene in the film, the late Robin Williams is just…there. What a waste. It’s kinda crap, and mostly unfunny. The screenplay is by David Guion and Michael Handelman (writers of the mediocre “Dinner for Schmucks”), from a story by them and Mark Friedman (“Home of the Brave”). Read a book instead, kids.

 

Rating: C-