Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Soldiers Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are assigned by NATO to deliver warheads sold by weapons expert James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston), when they are ambushed by Baroness (Sienna Miller), whom Duke recognises as his ex, Ana Lewis. They are rescued by Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Snake Eyes (Ray Park), Breaker (Said Taghmaoui), and Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), who are members of G.I. Joe, a team of elite soldiers headed by Gen. Hawk (stoic Dennis Quaid), who relieves the soldiers of the warhead and eventually is convinced to let them join the team. Meanwhile, McCullen really, really, really wants those weapons, as they contain high-tech nanotechnology, little bugs that can multiply quickly and eat through metal. He hopes to target landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, and cause world chaos. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays The Doctor, an associate of McCullen’s, who is the brother of Baroness and former best friend of Duke. Byung-hung Lee is Storm Shadow, the evil flipside of fellow ninja Snake Eyes. Arnold Vosloo plays villainous master of disguise Zartan, whilst Jonathan Pryce appears as the rather useless American President.

G.I. Joe has come in many shapes, forms, and adaptations over the years. Some young boys grew up with the Barbie-sized dolls with what Eddie Murphy would call ‘The Kung Fu Grip’. Some grew up with the comic books and TV cartoon series. I’m definitely a G.I. Joe fan from way back into my own childhood, but I grew up with the smaller-sized action figures, which I collected for many, many (too many, perhaps) years. Believe me, when I gave those things away, it was only out of fear of ridicule for playing with them at such an age. I still enjoyed them and wanted to keep ‘em (And now that we’re in the eBay age...Grrrr!). The only cartoon version I ever saw was the horrid “G.I. Joe: The Movie”, featuring the voices of (if memory serves me correctly); Don Johnson, Burgess Meredith, and Chris Latta as the supremely annoying Cobra Commander. So this is the perspective I come from, when it comes to this 2009 Stephen Sommers (“Deep Rising”, “The Mummy”, “The Mummy Returns”, “Van Helsing”) blockbuster film version. A fan, and with certain expectations, but not such a die-hard fan that I really know what I’m talking about. But I really, really, really, wanted to love this and get all nostalgic. Sure, I expected to be a bit nitpicky about why ‘such and such’ was chosen over ‘such and such’ a character (and I’m going to do a sizeable amount of that), but I figured this should be summer blockbuster fun at the very least, Sommers has made a couple of OK films over the years (well, “Deep Rising” and “The Mummy Returns” were enjoyable). It’s not much fun, and it’s not just for nitpicky reasons, though there are definitely a few of those (One big one in particular that I’ll get to later). It’s probably better than it could’ve been (Sommers is the director of “Van Helsing” after all) and a bit ahead of the “Transformers” movies (not to mention similar fare like “Mortal Kombat” and “Street Fighter”), but bland beyond belief and mostly unexciting, though at least the action is more coherent than in the “Transformers” movies. It really doesn’t help that we know next to nothing about Cobra, other than they are the baddies. That’s kind of a big cock-up when you consider that the title is “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”.

I’ll discuss some of the casting and character nitpicks now, so just remember the perspective I’m coming from. I know it’s a bit silly to judge casting and character based on a bunch of toys, but right off the bat Tatum is a bit of a problem as Duke. I always envisioned Duke as someone closer to Gen. Hawk’s age, whereas Tatum might’ve made a better fit as Lt. Falcon. Lt. Falcon isn’t even here, so I guess they’ve re-imagined Duke as the substitute. Tatum is a bit bland in the role. Even worse are Sienna Miller and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Baroness and Rex Lewis, the latter of whom takes on another identity later in the film, which I will be discussing. So **** SPOILER WARNING, Y’ALL! **** Miller is as bland and vacuous as she always is, and given the complex nature of her character, she’s just not up to the task. Catherine Zeta-Jones, Rhona Mitra or Natassia Malthe would’ve been spot-on, but Miller doesn’t cut it as a femme fatale. And whilst Baroness has never been a favourite character of mine, the interpretation here is about ten different shades of wrong. In this outing, Baroness and Duke are former flames and long-time acquaintances, and indeed Gordon-Levitt, as the future Cobra Commander is Baroness’ brother and Duke’s former best friend. Not only is this complete crap, not only does it fail to convince in any way, it is entirely unnecessary. Since when has G.I. Joe needed such complex, “Bold and the Beautiful” relationships? Baroness and The Cobra Commander are meant to be thoroughly evil, remorseless characters, and having Duke be associated in any way with them, almost serves to undermine him a bit in my eyes. Also, Baroness’s dialogue undermines her character. The character is drawn to be more sympathetic, but her dialogue makes her too bitchy. That’s just bad screenwriting. Meanwhile, Christopher Eccleston and his Scottish accent are incredibly annoying as the evil McMullan, AKA Destro. Personally, I’ve never been a fan of either Baroness or Destro, and would’ve much preferred Serpentor and Cobra Commander to be the chief villains, with the “Mad Max”-influenced Dreadknocks (a subset of Cobra) also playing a part. Here we only get Zartan (Vosloo- who looks nothing like the toy, but then he’s meant to be a master of disguise so that’s OK) and no mention of his fellow Dreadknocks at all. Then again, if we’re being nitpicky, I wish there were more recognisable Joes too: Lt. Falcon, Psych-Out, Gung Ho, Snow Job, and Iceberg. The latter two are especially egregious omissions given there is indeed some snow action. Why feature such action and not include the guys specifically designed for such tasks? It’s almost as bad as the (admittedly funny) parody “Robot Chicken” did regarding Snow Job’s uselessness **** END SPOILER **** And let it be said that Marlon Wayans, as Ripcord (not a character I’m overly familiar with) has absolutely no business being here at all. He’s a constant source of irritation, as usual. Why not cast Wayans as Snow Job? I could live with that. I also don’t see why Scarlett makes it in here when so many other cool characters do not. I mean, outside of die-hard collectors, did anyone seriously play with the Scarlett toy? There are moments of enjoyment, principally whenever Storm Shadow and/or Snake Eyes are on screen (I want a Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow spin-off NOW!!), they’re seen here like two sides of the same coin, which is interesting. But what can you say about a film where the highlight is a short fight, seen in flashback between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow...as kids? Cool scene, though, with the young Snake Eyes amusingly stuffing his face with food continually throughout the fight. One quibble about Snake Eyes, though, for people familiar with the character: Why is he used in broad daylight? Think about that one. Quaid is an ideal Gen. Hawk, though he needed to be in much more of the film if you ask me. I’d have gone with Bill Pullman, but Quaid is certainly in the top five most ideal for the role. The best bit of casting is Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as the very macho Heavy Duty. Heavy Duty and Roadblock are seen as somewhat interchangeable, and I’ve always been more accustomed to Roadblock, but Triple A does a damn fine, scenery-chewing job nonetheless. I just wish he were in it more. Sommers’ regular Kevin J. O’Connor makes for an enjoyable Dr. Mindbender, but he too isn’t in the film nearly enough. Meanwhile, I’ve got no idea what the hell Brendan Fraser is doing here (aside from helping his favourite director out), but he sure seems to be having fun in his cameo as Sergeant Stone, a decidedly minor character in “G.I. Joe” history (I’d never even heard of the character before). Apparently the character was going to be the more well-known Gung-Ho, which I’d have preferred, but it’s just a cameo anyway.

Ultimately, this ends up no better or worse than the animated movie (even if that one did have the idiotic creation known as Golobulus), and you won’t remember a thing about it afterwards. Horribly rushed ending, too. Screenplay by Stuart Beattie (“Collateral”, “Australia”, “30 Days of Night”), David Elliot and Paul Lovett (both of whom wrote “Four Brothers”), it could’ve been a fun, undemanding popcorn flick. It isn’t. Oh well, at least it’s not a complete catastrophe, though we do get the absolute worst cover version of T-Rex’s “Get it On” that I’ve ever heard.

Rating: C