Review: Blackenstein


Dr. Winifred Walker (Ivory Stone) asks former mentor Dr. Stein (John Hart) to help her Vietnam War-injured lover Eddie (Joe De Sue). With limbs blown off by a landmine, the good doctor obviously has his work cut out for him. However, with Dr. Stein’s mastery of transplant surgery, there may be hope. Enter evil lab assistant Malcomb (Roosevelt Jackson) to mess things up, resulting in the hulking, lumbering monstrous title character.



Every bit as bad as you may or may not have heard depending on your interest in Blaxploitation, this 1973 horror turd from director William H. Levey (the terrible horror pic “Hellgate”) isn’t even the right kind of bad movie. Scripted by producer Frank R. Saletri (his one and only film credit, tellingly), it’s the kind of thing that thinks naming the doctor Dr. Stein is the height of hilarity. Ugh. Nope, this one just sucks to the point where you can’t believe the name Al Adamson isn’t in the credits somewhere.



The sole source of humour here for me was the fact that someone with the utterly fantastic name Ivory Stone appeared in a Blaxploitation film. I mean that’s just damn poetic. To be honest, I hope everyone involved was using a pseudonym here, lest their names be tarnished with such a shoddy, cheap-arse film. The performances from no one you’ve ever heard of are truly terrible, though Roosevelt Jackson (forget Stone, that’s the most 1970s Blaxploitation actor name I’ve ever heard) at least has a deep, booming voice something like a bored mixture of James Earl Jones and Boris Karloff. Meanwhile, Levey overdoses on dreadful lightning and thunder FX in just the first five minutes, and the music score by Cardella DeMilo (the nightclub singer in the film, who also had a role in “Dolemite”) & Lou Frohman (“The Slime People”) is overbearing too. About the only damn thing here that isn’t awful is the collection of 70s soul songs on the soundtrack, but even that overstays its welcome a bit once we get an on-screen performance (The nightclub comedian/emcee’s extended cameo is completely unnecessary and intrusive).



Thematically the film is rather on the nose too, if you think about it for even a second. I get that’s probably somewhat intentional, but that doesn’t help make it palatable. The only halfway interesting thing in the script is that for once, while misguided, the doctor character isn’t the villain. Meanwhile, no one from an acting or screenwriting level appears to understand any of the medical concepts mentioned throughout the film. Its science is even more ridiculous and fantastical than in most “Frankenstein” films. This ain’t no “Frankenstein”, it’s not even “Young Frankenstein” or “Re-Animator”. Even by Blaxploitation standards, this shit’s even worse than “The Black Six”, “The Black Godfather” and “Dolemite”. That’s a shame, because the basic concept could’ve provided, if not “Blacula” levels of entertainment, at least some trashy and outrageous fun in a “Soul Vengeance” vein. Nope, it’s no fun at all and slow as hell, too. Even gorehounds will be disappointed here because it’s been so poorly lit you can barely see a damn thing. Again, a shame because I get the sense that it was probably rather gory.



Insulting, tedious, bargain basement junk with an OK soundtrack but nothing else on offer. It really is one of the worst things you’ll ever see. Capped off by one of the worst conclusions in cinematic history, I can’t even claim this one has merit in a ‘You at least have to see it once’ vein. Nope. Just watch the trailer and pretend you’ve seen the film instead.



Rating: F

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Review: Hellraiser (2022)

Recovering junkie Odessa A’zion accompanies scuzzy boyfriend Drew Starkey on a break-in where all they find is a weird puzzle box. A’zion later opens the box and after some weird shit happens, A’zion and Starkey figure it might be a good idea to learn more about this messed up trinket. Goran Visnjic plays a millionaire who possessed the box before our protagonist nicked it.   Is there any point in remaking/rebooting “Hellraiser” when the 1987 adaptation of Clive Barker’s original text was written and directed by Barker himself? And is considered a horror classic? On evidence here, absolutely not. Directed by David Bruckner ( “The Signal” ) and scripted by Ben Collins ( “The Night House” ) and Luke Piotrowski (ditto) this is an entirely tedious affair. I took a long time to get on board with the 1987 “Hellraiser” , I have to admit. It was wildly imaginative and original, like a nightmare transplanted on to film. However, the characters were stone cold and left me similarly chilly t
Read more

Review: Boyka: Undisputed

Yuri Boyka (Scott Adkins) is out of prison and fighting for a living, with ambitions for the ‘Most Complete Fighter’ to make a real name for himself. However, after an opponent dies during a fight, the deeply religious Boyka starts to have a crisis of conscience. He tries to make amends with the man’s widow, which eventually pits him against a local gangster (Alon Moni Aboutboul, quite good). Anything with Scott Adkins will generally get me interested, and although this series peaked with the superlative “Undisputed II: Last Man Standing” , this 2017 film from director Todor Chapkanov (director of the SyFy movies “Copperhead” and “Ghost Town” ) is no slouch in a series yet to deliver anything less than solid entertainment. Producer Isaac Florentine is missed in the director’s chair, but Chapkanov gives us at the very least the series’ most dramatically ambitious entry, as Adkins’ ‘most complete fighter’ Yuri Boyka continues on his journey to redemption here. In this one, the
Read more

Review: Ninja 2: Shadow of a Tear

Scott Adkins is once again Casey, an American proponent of the martial art of Ninjutsu. When Casey’s pregnant Japanese wife (Mika Hijii) is rubbed out, he’s on a vengeance mission to find her killers. A friendly face, Nakabara (Kane Kosugi) turns up at the funeral, and suggests Casey come to Thailand to deal with his grief in another country. Casey initially declines, but eventually takes Nakabara up on his offer. However, his wife’s murder still haunts Casey, and with intel supplied by Nakabara, the trail eventually leads Casey to a brutal drug baron named Goro (Shun Sugata).   I was extremely disappointed with the first “Ninja” , but had heard that this 2013 sequel from director Isaac Florentine ( “Undisputed II: Last Man Standing” , “Undisputed III: Redemption” , “Ninja” ) was a damn near masterpiece of the martial-arts action movie genre. Having now finally gotten my hot little hands on it, I’d say the hype is a bit much, but this is unquestionably a much better film than the f
Read more