Review: Underworld

An innocent human (Scott Speedman) gets thrust into a centuries-old battle between vampires and Lycans (werewolves). A vampire named Selene (Kate Beckinsale) angers her own kind by protecting the man, who seems to be specifically targeted by Lycan leader Lucian (Michael Sheen). Shane Brolly and Sophia Myles play vampires, Bill Nighy plays a particularly ancient vampire, and Wentworth Miller appears briefly as a doctor.

 

I avoided this blue-hued vampires vs werewolves nonsense for decades. I really should’ve kept on ignoring it. Directed by Len Wiseman (the stock “Die Hard 4.0”, the awfully dull “Total Recall” remake), this popular 2003 action/horror hybrid is idiotic, mopey and boring. It’s the kind of over-stylised shit I hate more often than not, with Kate Beckinsale and her singular pouty facial expression firing two guns like a John Woo flick less than 5 minutes in. Why are vampires firing guns anyway? Yeah I know, silver bullets and all that, but still it seems silly. Too silly. As is sometimes the case, the centuries-old flashbacks suggest a more interesting film than the one we actually get. The storytelling here is especially clumsy.

 

The werewolves are kinda cool CGI creations for 2003, but the monochromatic look has this seeming like a piss-poor “Sin City” with “Matrix”-lite action scenes. Actually, in a way it’s like “Twilight” re-designed as an action/horror hybrid (albeit several years before the first “Twilight” film was released). Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman are terminally boring romantic leads, the former chokes on her dialogue and seems to have the tiniest fangs ever. They surely can’t be terribly efficient. Future sparkly vampire Michael Sheen lacks any menace whatsoever as the leader of the werewolves, he’s just plain stupid. Meanwhile, an actor named Shane Brolly manages to be even worse which is quite an achievement. On the plus side Sophia Myles at least seems to have a pulse as a ravenous vampire, and Bill Nighy effortlessly steals the entire thing. He invests his lines with more life and gravitas than they deserve. That said, it’s not really worth stealing this one.

 

I have no idea why this one has fans, let alone several sequels. It’s silly as hell, and for an action movie incredibly dull. For any kind of movie it’s a real mess. Leads Beckinsale and Speedman are utterly charmless. The screenplay is by Danny McBride, from a story by McBride, Wiseman, and deep-voiced co-star Kevin Grevioux.

 

Rating: D

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