Shameless Self Expression

Overweight Alyson Hannigan is getting awful lonely, her dad Eddie Griffin (!) keeps setting her up with losers, but eventually Hannigan turns to relationship expert Hitch (diminutive comedic actor Tony Cox, in an initially amusing pisstake of Will Smith) to help turn her into a fox to win over the Hugh Grant-ish Grant Fockyerdoder (Adam Campbell). After a supremely unfunny (and inexplicable) “Bachelor” spoof, the two fall in love and plan to marry. Enter Grant’s super-fine ex, played by Australia’s own Sophie Monk to come between our happy couple. Not even the talents of Hannigan (who is a genuine talent, quirky and adorable), Griffin, Fred Willard, and Jennifer Coolidge can save this stale, mostly unfunny 2006 Aaron Seltzer spoof which seems somewhat aimless. I guess it’s a spoof of chick flicks but do “Meet the Fockers” and “My Best Friend’s Wedding” really belong in the same category? Most of the films parodied are about ten times as funny as anything here. Perhaps the ...

Post-Civil War western-comedy has wagon master Sidney Poitier reluctantly teaming up with roguish preacher/con-man/dentist’s meal ticket Harry Belafonte in taking on nasty bounty hunters (led by slimy Cameron Mitchell), who don’t agree with the recent move to free African-American slaves. In fact, they want Poitier and his wagon load of freed slaves to be back out in the fields. Ruby Dee is Poitier’s worried wife, in a throwaway role, whilst John Kelly plays the fair-minded sheriff who doesn’t especially care for the attitude of the bounty hunters. Completely uninvolving, sluggish 1972 African-American western, the directorial debut of star Sidney Poitier, who would go on to direct several more uninspired films like the unequivocally awful “Ghost Dad” and the OK trilogy of action-comedies starring Poitier and Bill Cosby (beginning with “Uptown Saturday Night” . He takes a most interesting subject and...cocks it up completely by turning it into a subpar western-comedy that ev...

Teen life in Oklahoma in the 1960s, where kids are divided into the poor ‘Greasers’ and the rich ‘socs’ (pronounced so-shez). The two classes are headed for violent collision when two ‘greasers’ named Ponyboy and Johnny (C. Thomas Howell and Ralph Macchio) kill a ‘soc’ in self-defence, and are forced to hideout in an abandoned church with occasional supplies arranged by their ‘bad boy’ pal Dallas ‘Dally’ Weston (Matt Dillon), while they wait until things cool off. However, the socs (teen idol Leif Garrett amusingly among them) aren’t about to forget anytime soon. Patrick Swayze plays Ponyboy’s oldest brother Darrell, forced to act as parent to Pony and his brother Sodapop (Rob Lowe) after their parents were killed in a car accident. Emilio Estevez plays their good-natured buddy Two-Bit Matthews, whilst a young Tom Cruise is also a greaser. Diane Lane plays a pretty ‘Soc’ named Cherry, whom Dally tries to impress, with Michelle Meyrink (what’s an early 80s teen flick without her?) p...

Suave former CIA agent Robert Wagner is used (through ear-splitting sonic weapons and hypnotic drugs seemingly only ever found in films of the 1970s) as a helpless pawn by the nefarious title super villain (Bette Davis, as a female Fu Manchu) to capture a submarine. Denholm Elliott is Davis’ sycophantic aide, Gordon Jackson is the duped sub commander, and the inimitable Roy Kinnear is hilarious as a family man on holiday who reluctantly aides Wagner at one point. Minor 1972 David Greene ( “The Shuttered Room” , “Godspell” , the fine TV version of “The Count of Monte Cristo” starring Richard Chamberlain) TV-movie is worth a look simply for its bizarreness (starting with the quasi-Asian make-up job on the film’s biggest star) and interesting cast, of which Grand Dame Bette (clearly having a hootenanny of a time here) and her wonderfully sycophantic sidekick Elliott (making the most out of a barely-there role, and not for the first or last time) are the most impressive. Funny c...

Warren Beatty is the title heroic comic book detective attempting to bring down criminal Big Boy Caprice (Al Pacino) and his grotesque rogues’ gallery of henchmen. Madonna is nightclub singer Breathless, the film’s idea of a femme fatale, and gangster’s moll. Glenne Headly is well-cast as the more pure Tess Trueheart, sick of Tracy overlooking her or standing her up, or playing babysitter to Tracy’s new buddy Kid (the unremarkable Charlie Korsmo). Heavily made-up William Forsythe plays the most prominent goon, Flattop, whilst James Caan is a rival gangster in a curious throwaway role. Dustin Hoffman has a showy role as an incomprehensible goon called Mumbles, whilst other performers include veteran character actor R.G. Armstrong as Pruneface (sporting one of the better makeup jobs, along with Forsythe), Paul Sorvino as dethroned top gangster Lips Manlis, Mandy Patinkin is Breathless’ piano player 88 Keys, Dick Van Dyke is DA Fletcher, Charles Durning is the police Chief, Seymour Ca...

Lowly, loser puppeteer Craig (John Cusack) gets a gig as a filing clerk working for eccentric Dr. Lester (Orson Bean), operating out of the 7 ½ floor of a building (!) because the original owner’s wife was a dwarf. Anyway, the married Craig finds himself getting the hots for the office bitch Maxine (Catherine Keener) who wants nothing to do with him. That is until Craig discovers a hidden portal in the building. A portal that appears to lead inside the head of actor John Malkovich (!). You can only stay there for 15 minutes, but once Craig shows this to Maxine, she starts to soften up to him a bit. Hell, even Craig’s frumpy wife Lotte (Cameron Diaz) likes Maxine…a lot. A real lot. Meanwhile, John Malkovich himself starts to suspect something is going on, and isn’t remotely happy about his mind being manipulated like it’s an amusement park ride. Unquestionably one of the cleverest, most original, and weirdest films of the last 25 years, it’s only unlikeable characters that hol...

An earnest Brendan Fraser stars as a businessman, husband to Keri Russell, and father to their three kids, two of whom suffer from Pompe disease, a rare genetic disorder in the vicinity of muscular dystrophy. The disease severely limits their life-span, with them not expected to live past the age of 9 (In real-life, however, it’s apparently much earlier than that, as dramatic license has been taken here). One of the kids’ 9 th birthday is not too far away, Fraser is fed up with doctors unable to give him answers or his kids miracle cures, and decides to take a more pro-active approach. He attempts to approach prickly medical researcher Harrison Ford, who apparently has a new perspective that the establishment aren’t keen on, but might just be what Fraser is looking for. Hermit-like Ford isn’t an easy man to get a hold of, and not very likeable or optimistic when Fraser does reach him, but Fraser manages to form a business partnership with him (through some financial fudging on Fra...

Sir Ben Kingsley plays David Kepesh, author, literature professor, and although in his early sixties, he’s quite the pants man, too. Divorced, he’s had an on-and-off sexual relationship with his mistress (Patricia Clarkson), and at the end of every school year he throws a big party that is basically a hunting ground for his next young conquest. This time around, it’s the lovely Consuela (Penelope Cruz). However, Consuela proves to be quite unlike any other girl...David actually develops real feelings for her, and isn’t quite sure what he’s meant to do with those feelings, which include jealousy, mistrust, and insecurity. Is this narcissistic commitment-phobe (who probably has more years behind him than ahead of him) going to become his own worst enemy and blow something potentially enriching? Things certainly seem doom-laden. Dennis Hopper plays a Pulitzer Prize-winning poet and David’s best friend (and fellow philanderer), who warns David not to get too close before it ends embarr...