Shameless Self Expression

An operative named Dr. Lang (Scott Adkins) is tasked with rubbing out Han Fung, AKA The Black Mask (Andy On). Meanwhile, a scientist named Moloch (Tobin Bell) is conducting genetic experiments on a group of professional wrestlers (Rob Van Dam, Andrew Bryniarski, Traci Lords, Tyler Mane, and Michael Bailey Smith among them) to create animal-human hybrids. Teresa Maria Herrerra plays one of Moloch’s scientists whom Black Mask tries to turn against Moloch. Jon Polito plays the requisite sleazy wrestling promoter.   A Tsui Hark film featuring martial arts, genetically altered professional wrestlers, Traci Lords, Rob Van Dam, Scott Adkins, and Tobin Bell. This has to be a classic, right? Not even close, it’s terrible. I guess I need to remember that while he gave us the fun “Zu: Warriors From the Magic Mountain” , Tsui Hark is also the man who gave us green explosions and Rob Schneider teaming with Van Damme in the pathetic “Knock Off” . This 2002 follow-up to the Jet Li masked supe...

The title character is essentially a German version of Hercules, a virile warrior (played by Raimund Harmstorf) who wants to marry the comely Kriemhild (Sybil Danning). However, her brother the King first demands a favour from Siegfried. He’s got marriage on the mind too, but it’s complicated. You see, the King has a little problem. A little problem that can be solved by Siegfried’s titular…er, long sword. So in true Cyrano fashion (albeit kinkier) the King asks Siegfried to stand in for him in the boudoir and pleasure the very demanding Queen Brunhild in the dark so she agrees to marry The King.   Also known as “The Erotic Adventures of Siegfried” , this somewhat obscure 1971 softcore romp from director/actor Adrian Hoven (who produced “Mark of the Devil” of all things) is light-hearted, naughty fun. With so many boring softcore films out there I like to commend films that do it right like this, “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls” , and “Emmanuelle II” . So if this is your thin...