Review: The Last Stand

Drug lord Eduardo Noriega and his souped-up corvette are headed to the Mexican border, after escaping police custody. Standing in his way? Small border town sheriff Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a small army of helpers (including nervous deputies Luis Guzman and Jaimie Alexander, and explosives nut Johnny Knoxville). Peter Stormare plays Noriega’s scummy criminal associate who is already waiting for him in sleepy ‘ol Sommerton, and his foreign presence hasn’t gone unnoticed by Schwarzenegger (The townsfolk haven’t noticed, however that their sheriff is quite clearly fucking Austrian, but nevermind). Meanwhile, assistance from Las Vegas FBI agent Forest Whitaker (whose custody Noriega escaped in the first place) seems a long, long way away. Harry Dean Stanton plays a stubborn, shotgun-sporting local who tries to stand up to Stormare. Rodrigo Santoro plays Dean Martin in “Rio Bravo”.

 

I wanted this 2013 film from director Jee-woon Kim to be a fun return to action movie stardom for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Unfortunately, this mixture of latter-day Clint Eastwood and “Rio Bravo” (or “Assault on Precinct 13” if you’d prefer) just doesn’t cut it. It’s surprisingly slow, low-key, and not nearly as much cheesy fun as its initial poster art seemed to suggest. I’m not sure that this was the best choice for Arnold’s returning starring vehicle. Character-wise it’s more of a team effort, and the pacing is far too leisurely for what is essentially a siege film, which should depend upon building tension. If ever a film needed to be directed by the late, flashy Tony Scott, this is it. Walter Hill might’ve even given the concept its dues. I’m not sure this was the right project for the director of “A Tale of Two Sisters”, “I Saw the Devil”, and the bizarre “The Quiet Family” to be honest. Who thought that he would be a good match for this material? Sure, he can direct an action scene, but what about all the stuff that happens in between those scenes? Not so great. I can’t deny, though, that the car that bad guy Eduardo Noriego (who is amusingly callous to his woman but lacks menace) drives is cool, noisy, and the best damn thing in the entire film.

 

Peter Stormare seems to be channelling Timothy Carey here more than ever, but neither he nor Oscar-winner Forest Whitaker (in a dull, functionary role) are given enough screen time to really count. His Federal Agent is kinda like what the bomb squad are in every other action movie. I hope the man was well-paid, ditto Harry Dean Stanton’s worthless cameo. Oddly enough, Johnny Knoxville, though not in the film much, is probably used to his best advantage. In small doses he can be fun and is well-cast here. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the film cries out for more of him and character actor Luis Guzman (who looks incredibly fat here, by the way).

 

The action, when it comes, is fine and thankfully mostly shot with a steady hand. But there’s just not nearly enough of it, though after the hour mark, things do perk up a bit. Terrific use of a cornfield in one chase scene, too.

 

This film just isn’t very good, nor is it worthy of Schwarzenegger’s stature. It’d be better off with Chuck Norris or Burt Reynolds in the lead. It’d make for a decent Rutger Hauer direct-to-DVD film, for instance (And that’s no knock on Hauer, who I think deserved a better career than he has received). Casting Arnold gives off the completely wrong impression. Having said that, as ridiculous as the final fist fight seems in light of the ‘I’m too old for this shit’ angle the film has up until then played up. I didn’t care. If you don’t enjoy that fight scene, the fuck you. It’s your loss.

 

Look, I know why this plot was stretched out the way it is, but a director with some sense of pacing, and a judicious editor on hand, could’ve found a way to trim the fat to make this a far more effective and exciting film. Arnold’s laidback, clearly aging characterisation is interesting, but the film is only intermittently enjoyable because the set-up is too drawn out to maintain any tension. Car nuts might like it more than me, but who goes to a Schwarzenegger film for the cars? Far from the man’s worst, though. This ain’t “Raw Deal”, despite a similarity or two. But the man who made “The Terminator”, “Terminator 2”, “Commando”, “Predator”, “The Running Man”, “Total Recall”, “Red Heat”, and “True Lies” has seen much, much better days. The clichéd screenplay is by Andrew Knauer (who has otherwise done nothing worth mentioning thus far), Jeffrey Nachmanoff (ditto), and somewhat surprisingly George Nolfi (director of the excellent “Adjustment Bureau”, but also the writer of the transparent thriller “The Sentinel”).

 

Welcome back, Arnold, but perhaps you should knock on that “Titanic” guy’s door. Or at least Joel Silver. Oh, one more thing: Why have Schwarzenegger make a statement about being an immigrant, when his character is given the oh-so Austrian name of Ray Owens? Is he from Canada?

 

Rating: C+