Review: Lady in the Water

Paul Giamatti is the stupidly named Cleveland Heep, a building manager who goes to investigate a possible intruder on the premises, before falling into the pool. When he comes to, he finds before him a naked young woman (a not very naked Bryce Dallas Howard) who is in fact a Narf, which is apparently not the same noise Pinky from “Pinky and the Brain” used to make, but a mythical creature from a story magically come to life. In order for her to be sent back to her world, Cleveland must help her find the writer of the story, believed to be one of Cleveland’s tenants. Other tenants are believed to play roles in the story to, it’s just a matter of finding out who plays what. Making matters difficult are another set of creatures, vicious little bastards skulking about in the grass. Bob Balaban plays an uppity film critic, whilst other tenants are played by Sarita Choudhury, Jeffrey Wright, Jared Harris, Cindy Cheung, and M. Night Shyamalan.

 

The story goes that writer-director M. Night Shyamalan (“The Sixth Sense”, “Signs”, “The Village”) based this 2006 fantasy on bedtime stories he’d tell his kids. That’s where it should’ve stayed, because this just doesn’t come off, it’s awkward, silly, and probably should’ve been re-written by someone not quite so close to the material. He also ought not continue to act in his own films. He’s actually an OK performer, but in this instance his ego is boundless, pretty much putting himself in a role somewhere in between Jesus and Barack Obama’s dad. How could he not see what a tool he is for giving himself this role?

 

The film also has a weird and off-putting tone. There are parts that seem to be intended to be comedic, but they are so awkward that they make you question if the entire film is a joke on the audience. The awful performance by Sarita Choudhury in particular just rubbed me the wrong way. In a film full of mannered performances, for once it’s not Jeffrey Wright being the worst offender. Was Choudhury’s character meant to be a moron or just comic relief? I was never sure. Lead actor Paul Giamatti has his moments, but speaks in such a mannered, halting, hesitant way that it sounds like he always has the hiccups and is trying to suppress them. Not his finest hour as an actor. Cindy Cheung, meanwhile, deserves to be singled out for setting Asian representation in cinema back several decades. You’ll swear she’s about to exclaim ‘Me love you long time’ or something. She’s that bad. And why is everyone whispering? Actors tend to be muted in Shyamalan films, but here you can barely understand any of their dialogue, Bryce Dallas Howard in particular.

 

I get what Shyamalan is doing with the idea of storytelling, plot and characters here, I just think the only thing he gets right is the central idea. He’s an ideas man, he just needs someone else to flesh it all out, I think. He can do ideas, and as a director he knows all about atmosphere and visual design…he just needs a writing partner to fill in the rest. And although I think Bob Balaban’s (all-too brief) performance is the best thing in the film, I also think Mr. Shyamalan’s scathing view of critics in this film is misplaced. “The Village” sucked, dude, and this isn’t significantly better enough to justify your attitude, pal. And why use family tragedy/grief as an important plot point once again when it provided the weakest part of “Signs” (i.e. The finale)?

 

This film may not be terrible like “The Village”, but it still doesn’t come off. I mean, just look at the pretentious and portentous opening narration that sounds like the awful narration for the extended version of The Jacksons otherwise awesome ‘Can You Feel It’ music video. It doesn’t get much better from there, though it’s just weird enough that there’s probably a bit of a cult following for it out there. It didn’t do much for me, I’m afraid.

 

Look, Mr. Shyamalan, it’s awesome that you tell stories to your kids, dude, but next time, leave me out of it, OK?

 

Rating: C