Review: All Neat in Black Stockings

Horny window cleaner ‘Ginger’ (Victor Henry) likes to drink beer, bang chicks, and hang out with his similarly inclined mate Dwyer (Jack Shepherd). He takes a particular fancy to Jill (Susan George), and vice versa. But there are complications (Ginger’s a dickhead, for instance), and Jill’s disapproving mother (Clare Kelly) for Ginger to try and win over.

 

Real-life tragedy is the only interest point to this completely boring blend of ‘Kitchen Sink’ drama and tits-and-knickers comedy released in 1969. Star Victor Henry was felled by one of life’s truly random, senseless tragedies when he was struck by a falling lamp post that had been hit by a car. He spent the next (and last) 17 years of his life in a coma, never to awaken before his death in 1985. He had only made a few appearances in film and TV prior to this, and I guess we’ll never know what he could’ve become. It can all change in an instant, people.

 

Directed by Christopher Morahan (a prolific TV director) and scripted by Hugh Whitemore (the insignificant “Man at the Top”) and author Jane Gaskell (who has only one other screenwriting credit, for TV), the film is much ado about nothing, and Henry’s character isn’t remotely sympathetic or interesting, nor is the star himself charismatic enough to make you give a damn. He’s a pasty Ginger who wears a green and yellow jacket and shirt number, whilst driving a baby-food coloured thimble of a car, yet is meant to be some kind of pants man. He’s as unlikely as “Alvin Purple” in that regard, and at least that was kind of the point/joke with Alvin. I think we’re meant to take this slimy, wormy little man more seriously.

 

Unlike “The Lighthorsemen” star Jon Blake (who definitely showed promise before suffering his own life setback via a car accident that left him paralysed and unable to speak), I can’t say I’ll spend much time speculating on what Henry might’ve become on evidence here, though it sure is a cruel shame nonetheless. Co-star Susan George has something, and Clare Kelly isn’t a bad actress (none of the performances are terrible), but this film isn’t any good and isn’t really about anything. It takes forever to not really go anywhere at all, unless you’re interested in the exploits of a scumbag who tries to be less of a scumbag, only to shrug it all off and go back to being a scumbag again. If that’s the point (and I think it is), it’s not an especially entertaining or interesting one, and the film never finds the right tone.

 

Awkward, unsatisfying and boring blend of comedy and drama just doesn’t begin to work. An uncharismatic lead actor playing an unsympathetic character doesn’t help (the guy’s a dishonest, skirt-chasing scumbag), there’s a reason this one has become forgotten: It’s terrible. The tragic story of its leading man is more interesting than the film itself, and given that 17 years of the guy’s life was stillborn, that tells you a lot about the quality of the film. I’m sure someone out there will like it, but that someone isn’t me. I got almost less than nothing out of it.

 

Rating: D-