Review: The Long Swift Sword of Siegfried

The title character is essentially a German version of Hercules, a virile warrior (played by Raimund Harmstorf) who wants to marry the comely Kriemhild (Sybil Danning). However, her brother the King first demands a favour from Siegfried. He’s got marriage on the mind too, but it’s complicated. You see, the King has a little problem. A little problem that can be solved by Siegfried’s titular…er, long sword. So in true Cyrano fashion (albeit kinkier) the King asks Siegfried to stand in for him in the boudoir and pleasure the very demanding Queen Brunhild in the dark so she agrees to marry The King.

 

Also known as “The Erotic Adventures of Siegfried”, this somewhat obscure 1971 softcore romp from director/actor Adrian Hoven (who produced “Mark of the Devil” of all things) is light-hearted, naughty fun. With so many boring softcore films out there I like to commend films that do it right like this, “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls”, and “Emmanuelle II”. So if this is your thing and you haven’t caught up with this one, you might want to go hunting for it.

 

There’s just enough plot that it’s not a mere series of sexual encounters, but it’s pretty clear what the primary focus is here. The acting isn’t exactly great, with B-movie queen Sybil Danning the standout, but you’re not really watching this for great thesping. Some might prefer a less comedically-inclined film, but I found it both amusing and sexy. I particularly enjoyed the very funny (if very politically incorrect) twist on the deceit from “Cyrano de Bergerac”. On the sexual front, there’s a stunning, sensual sapphic scene, albeit a touch short. The film is full of nudity (including the occasional phallus), though Sybil Danning fans might want to bear in mind that she’s pre implants here by the looks of it. There’s a naughty charm to it where it never quite feels sleazy (unlike this review). Perhaps because everyone involved seems so enthusiastic about the whole thing. It gets a bit more serious in the second half with a torture rack scene, but it’s hardly “Mark of the Devil”, despite Hoven’s involvement. Meanwhile, infamous composer Richard Wagner gets an on-screen credit, with ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ accompanying the opening sex scene and titles. Funny stuff.

 

Kind of cute in a naughty way, if this kind of light-hearted sexcapade is your deal you should enjoy this one. I think it’s one of the better softcore films out there and it’s a shame it’s so obscure and hard to find. Based on a Fred Denger (“Uncle Tom’s Cabin”, “The Sinister Monk”) story, the screenplay was written by a woman, Brigitte Parnitzke.

 

Rating: B-

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