Review: Goldengirl (1979)

Marketing/merchandising expert James Coburn is enlisted to join the team for athlete Goldine (Susan Anton) who hopes to win three sprinting gold medals at the upcoming Olympics in Moscow. However, Goldine (AKA Goldengirl) is no ordinary track athlete. Her German scientist adoptive father (Curd Jurgens) has designed and moulded her from birth to be a super athlete. Hormone injections included. John Newcombe plays another client/creation of Jurgens, a tennis pro. Robert Culp briefly turns up as a sports announcer, Leslie Caron is a shrink, Harry Guardino and Michael Lerner play two of the businessmen with an investment in Goldengirl.

 

Directed by Joseph Sargent (“The Taking of Pelham One, Two, Three” but also “Jaws the Revenge”), this 1979 box-office flop is so bad, it’s a lucky thing hardly anyone has seen it. Scripted by John Kohn (“Reach for Glory”) from a Peter Lear novel, it’s not only incredibly boring, it’s truly embarrassing. I’ve never seen a film seemingly destined to the realm of obscurity so quickly as this. How so? The film is set during the lead-up to the 1980 Olympics in Moscow…which the United States ended up boycotting. Although released theatrically, the TV rights were pre-sold and it was intended to be broadcast during said Olympics. Yeah, real life didn’t do this movie any favours at all.

 

Her bizarre Golden Globe nomination not withstanding (was it the vibrator speech that sealed it?), singer/model/debuting actress Susan Anton simply cannot act a lick, and whoever was responsible for her casting did her a grave disservice. I don’t know who could’ve really survived in the lead role here let alone flourished, but she’s just not up to the task, sweet as she seems. Farah Fawcett and Tanya Roberts seem like Meryl Streep and Ingrid Bergman by comparison. Even on the soundtrack Anton doesn’t get a good showing, ‘Slow Down I’ll Find You’ is one of the worst movie songs of all-time. Poor Anton sounds like one of the Muppets. The normally cool and charismatic James Coburn was in a real funk during this period and eventually a bout of really poor health. Here he’s hard to watch, unable to muster up his cool charm, and the dark sunglasses don’t hide his obvious boredom. Talented supporting players Michael Lerner, Robert Culp, and Harry Guardino are badly wasted.

 

Although based on Lear’s novel, I’m convinced the real genesis of this project was a studio exec seeing a commercial for “The Bionic Woman” during the previous Olympics broadcast, whilst snorting an entire continent’s worth of cocaine. Just look at the premise: A Germanic and possibly Nazi doctor ‘creates’ a superior athlete to compete for America in the Moscow Olympics? That’s a lot to swallow right there, I’m amazed any Americans in front of or behind the camera would even want to make that story. James Coburn’s marketing expert and the sci-fi elements date this in the worst way, before you get to the real-life situation.

 

I also wasn’t sure how the filmmakers wanted me to feel about any of the characters bar the title character. My general feeling was that the majority of these people were unlikeable creeps. Meanwhile, what in the actual fuck is Aussie tennis legend John Newcombe doing in this? More specifically, why on Earth would he tarnish his reputation by (badly) playing a barely concealed version of himself played as a chemically-assisted tennis pro? Newk is just lucky no one seems to know this film exists except a few sickos like me. Worse still, is the title character’s athletic performances leading up to the big dance. They have this supposed superhuman athlete barely even qualify, and in one of the races it’s only due to bribery!

 

This would be hilarious if it weren’t so dull. A failure on impact and a colossal bore. Anton is out of her depth, a possibly arthritic Coburn looks out of his mind with boredom. A deserved obscurity, though the Bill Conti (“Rocky”) score is genuinely terrific. Shame the score wasn’t attached to a much better film.

 

Rating: D-

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