Shameless Self Expression

Set in 14 th century, in a small Cumbrian mining village ravaged by the Black Death (i.e. the plague). Hamish McFarlane plays a young boy who claims to have had a vision that told him that the plague will pass over the village if they all make a pilgrimage to a mysterious land, carrying a cross to put atop a church. This involves digging a huge tunnel through the centre of the Earth...which leads them to present day New Zealand! Needless to say, the Christian villagers are bewildered, frightened, and obviously fish out of water. In a cast mixing Aussies and Kiwis, Bruce Lyons, Chris Haywood, Paul Livingston (better known as oddball Aussie comedy character Flacco), and Marshall Napier are amongst the villagers. Jay Laga’aia turns up as a modern day Kiwi welder. Everyone’s been through it at some point in their life, and you never, ever forget it. Being dragged to the cinema by someone (usually a date or your parents) to see a film you have absolutely no interest in, but they’re re...

Rock Hudson is a lothario high school coach/guidance counsellor (!) who enlists the sexy new teacher (Angie Dickinson) in helping student John David Carson with his...erm...sexual ‘issues’, whilst Dickinson seemingly has an interest in Hudson, who in turn, is inviting many a young female student into his office for ‘private sessions’. Did I mention that there’s a killer on the loose bumping off pretty female students? Or that Hudson is a married man who never seems willing to leave his wife for any of his girlfriends? Roddy McDowall is the shameless principal who doesn’t even pretend that he cares about anything other than the school’s reputation. Telly Savalas and “Star Trek” actor James Doohan play big city cops, whilst Keenan Wynn is the incompetent local lawman, more concerned with the high school football team. This 1971 Roger Vadim (the stupendously entertaining cult classic “Barbarella” ) mixture of sex comedy, black comedy, and serial killer flick is kinda dirty and me l...

Buxom Pam Grier is the title private eye Sheba Shayne, who tackles the gangsters trying to muscle in on her father Rudy Challenger’s business. Austin Stoker is his faithful business partner. This 1975 AIP blaxploitationer written and directed by William Girdler (director of the blaxploitation horror flick “Abby” , the ‘Jaws with Fur’ flick “Grizzly” ) has little or none of the sex and violence so important to these films (or at least, important to me ). Did they expect us to care about the plot? Sadly, I didn’t. This is a particularly cheap, lukewarm entry into the genre, with even Grier delivering a rather lacklustre performance, free of the energy and enthusiasm usually found in her genre work (even the worst of it). Dick Merrifield (who isn’t in the film nearly enough), Christopher Joy (hilarious as a spineless loan shark) and a sleazy D’Urville Martin (director of the crappy cult blaxploitation flick “Dolemite” and co-star of the excellent blaxploitation film “Black ...

Set in Texas in the 50s, Casey Affleck stars as well-respected Deputy Lou Ford, who has a rather sadomasochistic affair with a hooker named Joyce (Jessica Alba) he’s been asked to run out of town. He’s also engaged to Amy Stanton (Kate Hudson). Joyce is attempting to blackmail a wealthy contractor named Chester Conway (Ned Beatty), whose son is one of her ‘clients. Mr. Conway (Sr.) later meets with Lou to ask him to deliver the blackmail money to Joyce. However, when Lou learns that Mr. Conway’s shonky business activities might have been responsible for a traumatic event in Lou’s past, he concocts another plan entirely involving a brutal murder and subsequent frame job. Unfortunately, that doesn’t end things and so he has to keep on killing to keep suspicion away from him. Tom Bower plays the alcoholic local sheriff (who seems to be a father figure of sorts to Lou), Simon Baker is a cynical DA, and Brent Briscoe plays a pushy, homeless drunk. Elias Koteas plays a union head, and Bill P...

Jennifer Jones incompetently plays the untamed, wild-eyed Pearl, half-breed daughter of troubled Herbert Marshall, who is convicted of murdering his wife and her lover. Jones is sent to live with cantankerous, racist cattle baron Senator McCanles (old pro Lionel Barrymore, in a wheelchair as usual, for the last part of his career) and wife Lillian Gish. There her affections are torn between well-meaning, principled lawyer Jesse (Joseph Cotten) and his uncouth, bullying, possibly psychotic brother, the aptly named Lewt (Gregory Peck!). Guess which son Barrymore favours? Peck is quite forceful with Jones, and in fact, is not above taking on any competition, be it his own brother Cotten, or the simple, older suitor played by Charles Bickford, whom Jones flees to when relations with the dangerous Peck sour. Well bugger me, Gregory Peck can tackle dark roles after all. I stand corrected then, because in this 1946 King Vidor ( “The Wizard of Oz” , “War and Peace” ) film, Peck’s broodin...

Somewhat flaky Julianne Moore, and doctor Annette Bening are a couple of many years whose two children were both conceived by the same anonymous sperm donor. When their 15 year-old son Laser (Josh Hutcherson) becomes curious of his identity/lineage, he gets his older sister Joni (Mia Wasikowska) to track the donor down. This leads to laidback, aging hippie Paul (Mark Ruffalo), who whilst taken aback by the results of a sperm donation he made many moons ago, is nonetheless agreeable to a meeting. When he meets the kids, he’s nervous but generally enthused and interested in getting to know them. Moms’, however (and yes, that’s how they’re somewhat grammatically awkwardly referred to), are unsure of how to respond to all of this. Bening, in particular, seems to be awfully territorial about Paul’s presence. Moore eventually eases up, perhaps a little too much, as there seems to be some kind of attraction going on between supposed lesbian Moore and this new stranger (who both have somewha...

Teenager Donna (Jodie Foster) finds herself seduced into the Carny life, abandoning her dopey boyfriend (Craig Wasson) to hang out with the likes of gruff Frankie (Gary Busey), AKA Bozo, the clown who taunts and berates audiences into trying to dunk him into a water tank, letting loose any rage he has inside of him in a productive way. Robbie Robertson (Guitarist of The Band, and the film’s co-producer) is Frankie’s moody best friend, Patch, who settles disputes (like whenever someone wants to genuinely take a swing at ‘Bozo’) and pays off officials to keep the struggling enterprise afloat. He also seems to generally hate everyone and everything except for Frankie. It isn’t long before Donna has come between the two buddies. Bill McKinney (who sadly passed away very recently) plays a mob-connected businessman trying to drive the carnival out of town, with Kenneth McMillan the carnival owner trying to save everyone’s jobs. Meg Foster (and her creepy Medusa eyes), Robert DoQui (King Ge...

Young hurdler Chris (Mariel Hemingway) fails in her bid to qualify for the 1976 Olympic Team, but a new and exciting (sexual) relationship with more seasoned pentathlete Tory (Patrice Donnelly) helps make up for it. Tory even manages to convince her hard-arse coach (Scott Glenn) to take on the rather green Chris. Tory sees a star in Chris and takes her under her wing, but Glenn is awfully slow to come around on her supposed talents. However, once things draw closer to the next Olympic trials (the infamous 1980 event in Moscow), and both Chris (who really starts to find her stride as a pentathlete now) and Tory (who seems to be waning) seem to be going in opposite directions whilst training to qualify in the same event, their personal relationship begins to sour. Chris even moves out of the apartment they shared and begins a relationship with a male water polo player (Kenny Moore). ‘Win at all costs’ coach Glenn notices this growing tension between them, and tries to put a distance ...

Sir Walter Raleigh (Richard Todd) enters the court of cantankerous, aging Queen Elizabeth I (Bette Davis), and quickly becomes a trusted aide (and perhaps the object of her desire) until Raleigh becomes smitten with one of her (younger) ladies-in-waiting (Joan Collins). Dan O’Herlihy plays Raleigh’s trusted Irish pal Lord Derry, Herbert Marshall is Lord Leicester, and Robert Douglas is the film’s (somewhat) heavy Sir Christopher Hatton. This 1955 Henry Koster ( “Desiree” , “The Bishop’s Wife” ) costumer was Davis’ second go-round as Queen Elizabeth I, and is a fine movie in which Davis’ terrific performance is further aided by a sturdy Todd, and smaller turns by Marshall (who should’ve been in the film more), and yes, even Collins proves up to the task. All that’s missing are the top-tier baddies like a Vincent Price or Henry Daniell (both of whom co-starred with Bette in the other QE I film “The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex” ), or maybe a flashy cameo by a Robert Morle...

Super low-budget filmmaker Bobby Bowfinger (Steve Martin, with a clip-on ponytail!) is about to lose his small but ever-faithful filmmaking troupe, when he comes across the script he hopes will make him famous. Written by his accountant (Adam Alexi-Malle), the script is called ‘Chubby Rain’ and involves aliens that come to Earth inside raindrops. High-brow stuff. In order to get a big studio exec (like the one played by Robert Downey Jr.) backing the project, though, he needs a star, and he decides upon top action star Kit Ramsey (Eddie Murphy). And when Ramsey turns Bowfinger down, what does he do? He makes the movie around him, filming him without his knowledge, and just having the actors walk up and say their lines to him. His role is mostly just a lot of running around anyway, Bowfinger reasons. Unfortunately, Ramsey is one seriously messed-up individual, who likes to flash LA Lakers cheerleaders and is involved with a cult-like quasi-religious organisation named Mind Head (heade...

Set in Melbourne’s gangland territory, this modernised version of the familiar tale of murder, ambition and revenge, stars Sam Worthington in the title role, and Victoria Hill as his Lady, who plot the murder of drug kingpin Gary Sweet (looking entirely embarrassed), to move Macbeth further up the criminal ladder (as three seductive schoolgirl witches predict for him). But things start to go awry as MacBoofhead becomes a tortured soul, Lady Macbeth goes completely bonkers, and Sweet’s sons (Steve Bastoni and Lachy Hulme, as Banquo and MacDuff- who along with younger cohort Matt Doran, are all pretty interchangeable, despite the actors looking nothing alike) wise up, resulting in one overextended bloodbath between a bunch of boring, posturing gangsters. Completely botched, modern-set (and irritatingly stylised) 2006 Aussie version of the Bard’s play (never a favourite of mine in the first place) is revolting, ham-fisted, turgid, incoherent (even to those who are familiar with th...

Josh Lucas is a widower who has just had a heart transplant, whilst his young daughter (Beatrice Miller) has a rare bone disease. He’s also just started dating his daughter’s doctor, played by Lena Headey. All of a sudden, Lucas starts having strange visions that don’t appear to be his own. Meanwhile, his heart seems to be overly agitated around people Lucas doesn’t even know. Could it be that his new heart is trying to tell him something? Brian Cox plays a police detective who becomes interested in Lucas’ actions and movements, whilst Dallas Roberts turns up as a sinister surgeon. A good cast is wasted in this Michael Cuesta (something called “L.I.E.” ) flick that tries for a modern version of Edgar Allan Poe’s ‘The Tell-Tale Heart’. The fact that the story presented here mostly resembles ‘The Hands of Orlac’ (not by Poe, but a 1926 German silent film) is but one of this messy film’s problems. It’s a good place to start, though, because there is absolutely nothing of Poe’s tale ...

Set slightly before the events of “Paranormal Activity” , Sprague Grayden is Kristi, sister of Katie (played by Katie Featherston) from the first film. She and her hubby (Brian Boland, playing the biggest douche on the planet) have a baby boy. From time to time, Katie and her lover Micah (once again, Micah Sloat) drop by. Then all of a sudden, events in the house start to spook the family, which includes teen daughter Molly Ephraim (who is merely Grayden’s stepdaughter), and even their superstitious ‘ethnic stereotype’ maid (whom Boland mocks at every given opportunity, sensitive fella he is). I rather liked the first “Paranormal Activity” , it was one of the better films of its type, and despite watching it in broad daylight, I still found it unsettling. This 2010 semi-prequel from director Tod Williams ( “The Door in the Floor” ) and writer Michael R. Perry is...unnecessary. Despite original cast members Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat being left on the periphery of the story...