Shameless Self Expression

The title character (voiced by Jamie Bell) is a young, globe-trotting journo (though looking and acting more like a teen detective) who, along with his dog Snowy, finds himself up to his neck in all manner of adventure and danger after having bought a model sailing ship that everyone seemingly wants. This includes the dastardly Sakharine (voiced by Daniel Craig). Apparently, the model is one of several that each contain a part of a treasure map, leading to untold riches of the ship’s captain Sir Francis Haddock (voiced by Andy Serkis by way of Shrek). Before long, Tintin and Snowy are joined by a drunk Captain Archibald Haddock, descendant of the late Sir Francis. Steven Spielberg ( “Jaws” , “ET” , “Raiders of the Lost Ark” ) and Peter Jackson (The “Lord of the Rings” trilogy) are responsible for some of the greatest movies ever made. So what happens when they (Spielberg as director, Jackson as producer) team up for a movie? You get this hoary, stale boiled lolly of a film f...

Young hairdresser Sigrid Thornton quits her job on the advice of glamorous lesbian customer (and model) Chantal Contouri to hook up with oddball photographer Hugh Keays-Byrne and become a model. A topless model, in fact. Nervous at first, the promise of good money nonetheless helps do away with any inhibitions. Soon, though, she finds herself being exploited by the sleazier elements of this subset and she is also being followed by an unseen person in a Mr. Whippy van. And then a pig’s head ends up in her bed. Vince Gil plays Thornton’s disgruntled ex, Denise Drysdale plays one of her arty flatmates, Julia Blake is her unsympathetic mother, Jacqui Gordon is her bratty sister, and Robert Bruning is a horny ‘ol perve associate of Contouri. During the 70s and 80s, Australian cinema saw many of its most memorable and acclaimed films being released (Not to mention fun schlock like “Razorback” and “Roadgames” ). But let’s face it, there was a lot of horrendous shit being made too. ...

Jean-Claude Van Damme (aging gracefully) stars as a top assassin who lives alone, trusts no one, and likes it that way. Scott Adkins is a former top assassin who once left the trade and tried to live a normal existence, until tragedy struck. Both men have accepted a hit on a drug dealer (Ivan Kaye) about to be released from prison. It’s really Van Damme’s contract, but Adkins uses his American contact Kevin Chapman to get him in on the gig. Van Damme is doing it simply for money, but for Adkins it’s personal. The target is the very same man who put Adkins’ wife (Bianca Bree, AKA Bianca Van Varenberg) in a coma years ago. And gang raped her before that, I might add. The two assassins seem destined for a showdown, but when dirty Interpol agents (one played by Kris Van Varenberg) attempt to screw over Adkins (because he apparently stole their money) and reveal themselves to be in cahoots with Kaye, the two rival hitmen must reluctantly team up. Meanwhile, a subplot sees cranky, stoic Va...

Chemical engineer Naveen Andrews gets into a scuffle with the military (led by Bruce Willis) who want the nerve gas he’s currently in possession of a large quantity of. This scuffle results in the gas being let loose into the atmosphere, and subsequently it infects the townsfolk, turning them into raging psychopaths. Treating the infected is a local doctor (Josh Brolin), a rather sinister man who is very unhappy with his anaesthesiologist wife Marley Shelton hooking up with another woman (played by alleged singer Stacy ‘Fergie’ Ferguson), who we have already seen falling victim to the infection. Meanwhile, Cherry (Rose McGowan) has just quit her job as a go-go dancer, and ended up at a local BBQ joint run by JT (Jeff Fahey). There she runs into her ex-boyfriend (Freddy Rodriguez), and when the fit hits the shans and Cherry is infected in the leg via a zombie attack, they head for the hospital. Cherry does not die, and manages to have a wooden stump (and later a machine gun!) attached...