Shameless Self Expression

Deadly rogue ninjas of the title steal a secret video tape (!) containing top-secret info about genetic splicing (!), and it’s up to The Colonel (Chuck Connors, yes that Chuck Connors) and his two martial arts buddies George Nicholas and Mike Kelly to retrieve the tape before evildoings take place. Pathetically cheap, abysmally acted, and mostly boring 1987 ninja movie directed by Richard Ward wastes talented character actor Chuck Connors ( “The Big Country” ) in a tacked-on, glorified cameo. He’s actually not very good in it anyway, clearly picking up a pay check in the latter part of his career. The martial arts finale, featuring colour-coded ninjas and the like isn’t too bad (I love how they seem to burrow through the dirt before springing out to kick arse. Very cool, if improbable. Loved the spooky devil masks too), but in order to get to that...well, don’t bother. It stinks. Calling it amateurish would be an insult to talented amateurs. The screenplay is by David Marks...

Set in a near-future in which Burbank, California is set to become a giant international airport (huh?). Sleazoid bad guy banker Tom Sizemore has sent his bullet-proof trench coat-wearing goons (led by the fat, drugged-out Baldwin brother Daniel Baldwin) to rough up bar owner Julius Harris and close the place down. Enter mythic heroes Harley Davidson (Mickey Rourke, whose entrance is absolutely hilarious) and rodeo cowboy The Marlboro Man (Don Johnson), friends of Harris, who plan to rob the bank in order to keep their beloved steakhouse in business. Add to that a role for wrestler Big John Studd (one of my personal heroes) as a good buddy of the title duo, and Vanessa Williams (who clearly saved reading the script for last!) as Studd’s seriously hostile woman (!).The underrated Chelsea Field plays the estranged wife of Johnson’s moody Marlboro Man, whilst Tia Carrere plays window dressing at Sizemore’s company, and hottie Kelly Hu can also be glimpsed. Look out for veteran B-grade ...

Review: Paintball A bunch of risk-takers, adrenaline junkies and assorted other semi-pros beforehand unknown to one another, are dropped into a forest (somewhere in Spain, I think) to have some simulated battlefield fun, and a few giant bruises here and there. Unfortunately, someone has decided to turn the tables on them and starts picking them off one-by-one using real bullets, resulting in real deaths. And real boredom. Stupidly, they also start to turn on each other too. Paintball always looks like it’d be fun to try out, but being a paraplegic (and, to be honest, also a pacifist), I can’t see there being much chance of me doing it. I do know this, though: It makes for an awful spectator sport. Based on this 2009 flick from director Daniel Benmayor (his directorial debut), Paintball also makes for an awful horror film too. The characters aren’t distinguishable enough from one another to be considered even stereotypes, they’re frequently wearing masks too which just mak...