Review: Vampire’s Kiss


Nic Cage (making Dennis Hopper and Crispin Glover seem restrained) stars as an a-hole yuppie NY literary agent who gets bitten by Jennifer Beals, a girl he picked up in a bar, who turns out to be a vampire. Now a creature of the night himself, he’s eating cockroaches, sexually assaulting his secretary Maria Conchita Alonso (that is, when he’s not already busy yelling at her supposed incompetence), and...actually, not acting all that different to usual, just with more frenzy. Elizabeth Ashley is his shrink, who doesn’t for a second believe he’s really a vampire. Is he really a vampire? Or has he just lost his mind?



Frankly, I didn’t care one way or the other. An unrestrained Nic Cage gives one of his worst performances (and eats a cockroach for real!) ever in this disastrously unfunny and unpleasant black comedy from 1989. Directed by Robert Bierman (“A Merry War”, with Helena Bonham-Carter) and scripted by Joseph Minion (Scorsese’s uneven “After Hours”), this is seriously one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my life. Like Francis Ford Coppola in “Peggy Sue Got Married”, Bierman allows Cage (in the second worst performance by an actor of all-time, behind his own later performance as a coked-up thug in “Deadfall”) to run riot with a whiny, nasal voice that ruined any scene he’s in (And don’t even get me started on the retarded plastic teeth). He makes it even more nauseating this time by affecting some kind of weird, snooty Valley girl accent (and Cage was in the terrible “Valley Girl”, of course) that makes him sound like a yuppie Derek Zoolander. He also exhibits the juvenile, repetitive histrionics of Ed Grimley, Tom Green, and Andy Kaufman. A lot of people probably like his vocal intonations, mannerisms and idiosyncrasies, but I can only tolerate the guy when he removes most of them. When you combine that with the loathsome, misogynistic character he plays, I thusly found this film entirely insufferable.


Some have praised Cage for eating a real cockroach in this, but I think he’s a fucking idiot for doing that and everything else he does in this film. Casting the always offbeat Cage as a guy turned into a vampire was not a smart idea at all. Where’s the transition? Cage is always off his nut. Perhaps this is a completely deliberate performance that the director wanted from Cage (who is literally bug-eyed at one point), but it’s so unbelievably awful and mannered. Unfortunately, his seriously infantile performance infects the entire film. This is a world populated by arch, snooty characters that are in no way relatable, interesting or entertaining. The film keeps you at arm’s length, even if you can get beyond Cage’s possibly coke-inspired self-indulgence. Some actors need a strong director to rein them in. Nic Cage needs a whole team of psychiatrists, a straight jacket, and complete detoxification. Possibly an exorcist too.


I won’t lie, the film has admirable attributes. The music score by Colin Towns (“Getting it Right”, “Shadey”) is good, Elfman-esque comically macabre stuff mixed with an almost silent movie organ-vibe, and the cinematography by Stefan Czapsky (“Batman Returns”, “Ed Wood”) offers up a nice use of shadows. Meanwhile, Jennifer Beals has improved enough as an actress in recent years that she might’ve made something more of her role than she did here in 1989, but it’s a very silly role nonetheless that sees her coming in and out as though she’d been forgotten about. Elizabeth Ashley tries her best under stupid circumstances, but is hamstrung by a dull role (She was never very good at choosing scripts, as anyone who saw “Windows” knows). Both actresses are beautiful and underrated, but deserve a lot better than this.


Maria Conchita Alonso, one of the worst actresses of all-time, is as usual, terrible. How did she manage to get so much work in the 80s on zero talent? Her and Valeria Golino...I just never ‘got’ them.


There’s not a single laugh in this film, and outside of the spectacle of seeing one of the worst performances of all-time in a film of equal ineptitude, not a damn reason to see this film. Some might like the idea of a vampire as neurotic yuppie. Those people are idiots. Run way from them. If you love Nic Cage, this is probably your idea of a lark, for me it was torture.


Rating: F

Comments

  1. conleyc93November 28, 2013 at 4:30 PM

    May I first to say, the idiot here is you Mr. Ryan, for insulting your audience and the people who watch and like this movie and Nick Cage, clearly you are a jealous schmuck who is taking the reviewing business a little too far and seriously. I hope you enjoy yourself you no talent hack critic, you remind me why all critics suck.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ryan McDonaldNovember 29, 2013 at 9:15 AM

    Thank you for reading and especially thank you for the kind words. I always enjoy hearing from a fan and an astute reader of film criticism.

    ReplyDelete
  3. conleyc93November 30, 2013 at 8:04 PM

    You may act witty and clever all you want, it doesn't change much Ryan. You've committed a major sin in your review, you insulted your audience. Something even a most film critics and film snobs can not do, once they do that, they cross a line and have become not a reliable source of opinion. Not that they're were much to begin with for most critics.

    You're about as sad as can be believed.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ryan McDonaldDecember 1, 2013 at 9:15 AM

    Except for one thing: If you'd bother to read any of my other reviews (please do, I'm a small man!), you'd realise I'm a smart arse and my insults are entirely tongue-in-cheek (and quite often at my own expense). I think the line 'run away from them' probably clues you in on the joke. But perhaps you were too bent out of shape that someone disliked a movie you liked that you took it a tad too seriously and missed my intent? And besides, I didn't insult my audience. I hated the fllm, and other people who hated the film wouldn't feel insulted, would they? And you're the first to complain anyway, so perhaps once again, you misunderstood my style and intent?

    The world is full of opinions, lots of people out there enjoyed this film, and you can read plenty of reviews of that same opinion. I provided a different opinion, and if you appreciated it, cool. If not, fine. Maybe if you read my other reviews you'll be able to put things into perspective. But please don't tell me I've insulted anyone when I've merely been a smart arse and you didn't get the gag. Humour is subjective of course, but you're taking things a tad too seriously. I'd hate to think what you'd make of 'Mr. Cranky', That guy hates EVERY movie and insults everyone.

    Once again (and sincerely this time), thanks for reading and commenting. Dissenters are most welcome. The world would be dull if we all agreed on everything right?

    ReplyDelete

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