Review: Kiss of the Vampire

Mortal Katherine Hawkes falls for vampire Daniel Goddard, and his brethren (principally Gary Daniels, of all people) are fearful of exposure, but Goddard is seriously contemplating having himself ‘cured’ of vampirism so he can truly be with Hawkes. Meanwhile, Hawkes’ scientist father (Nick Jameson) has hooked up with a nasty secretive corporation headed by Eric Etabari, who is searching for the key to immortality. Throw in a vampire hunter (Matthias Hues), a dwarf (Phil Fondacaro), and small roles for recognisable faces like Costas Mandylor and Martin Kove (as stereotypical thugs), and you’ve got one bizarre and terrible film.

Directed by Joe Tornatore (“Demon Keeper” with Edward Albert Jr., and Dirk Benedict) and scripted by lead actress Katherine Hawkes, this 2009 vampire film is dull, incoherent, and poorly made on just about every level I can think of. And what’s up with the C-grade action cast (Daniels, Hues, Kove)? So horribly made and lame that it looks like an EI Cinema/ Seduction Cinema flick without the sex and violence, begging the question of why even bother? Or maybe it was more like a circa 1992 Full Moon film, and not one of the cool ones with the puppets or naked chicks.

I could barely follow the film’s story (Who were these people? Has anyone here ever heard of a plot set-up?), it seemed to be going nowhere in a hurry, and it all just plain sucks. Vampires feeding as a pack? I don’t think so, that seems much more like lycanthrope behaviour to me, or dopey extras from a Michael Jackson video at least. Is there really that much blood to spread around?

There was simply no reason for me to care about any of this cheap, incoherent nonsense (it’s almost as if they want it to make no sense, because the story could conceivably make sense with a little more effort). In a horribly acted film (everyone seemed to be talking like there was a throat lozenge shortage on set!), Hawkes probably fares worst of all (her reaction to seeing a real vampire is abysmally, inappropriately nonchalant but in-keeping with the rest of the terrible actors here), in one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And I’ve probably seen at least twice as many films as you have. Shockingly, Eurotrash martial arts staple Hues fares best here (He sorta looks like the Fabio of the Martial Arts film genre). Hues has improved as an actor, but not enough to prevent the dialogue from sucking donkey’s balls. It’s also a shame that he’s using a crossbow here instead of his fists and feet. Yes, I know he’s a vampire hunter but it just further proves the fact that this is just so stupid and wrong. Fellow C-grade arse-kicker Daniels has always fared better in roles with little dialogue, and here he’s just terrible. And no, we do not get a Hues vs. Daniels showdown, in yet another ‘Why bother, then?’ moment in a film full of them. Diminutive Fondacaro, meanwhile makes the big mistake of actually trying to seriously act, and fails epically (Dare I suggest he’s better suited to gimmicky ‘small’ roles? Yes, I did just go there and I feel terrible about it!). I honestly can’t believe the director would’ve been happy with the terrible work these actors do here, some of whom should know better (I’m looking squarely at you Martin Kove and Costas Mandylor!).

The cheap-arse music score by Gordon McGhie seems like something you’d find in a Z-grade horror film (as do the FX, some of the dumbest, cheapest work I’ve seen in any movie ever!), despite the film’s softcore-porn, action/cop movie cast, and just reiterates what a terrible, confused and incompetent film this is. One of the worst I’ve seen in a long time, and not in a good way, and one of the worst films I’ve seen that boasts a ‘name’ cast. I’d call it a cheap “Blade” knockoff, but that would imply more action than this stinker delivers. It’s so bad that if it were made by Edward D. Wood Jr., even he’d disown it! Hell, Alan Smithee would even use a pseudonym (Thank you, I’m here all night). And while I’m in a hyperbolic mood, the film closes with the worst end credits song I have ever heard, bar none!

Rating: F