Review: Hell Comes to Frogtown

Ten years ago, the world was all-but obliterated by nuclear war. Roddy Piper stars as Sam ‘Hell’ Hellman, one of the few fertile men alive, who has signed a contract with MedTech. Saddled with an electronic chastity belt, his assignment is to head out into mutant territory to rescue some fertile young women captured by amphibian ruler Commander Toty (Brian Frank). He is then required to...um...repopulate the world. In addition to his chastity belt (which gives him a shock whenever he fails to control himself), Sam is kept in line by nerdy Nurse Spangle (Sandahl Bergman!), who is one cold fish. Cec Verrill plays the butch Corporal Centinella, a military tough gal who mans (er...y’know) the M60 machine gun atop the customised ambulance our protagonists are sporting. Rory Calhoun turns up as Looney Tunes, an old buddy of Sam’s, whilst perennial villain William Smith plays the fascistic Captain Devlin, who is most displeased when he finds Sam bedding his daughter, and we later find has turned arms dealer.

 

Every once in a while, a film comes along that you just can’t quite get a handle on whether you liked it or not. Usually I can easily discern between a great film, a great cheesy film (or guilty pleasure), a film so bad it’s funny/enjoyable, and a film that is just outright terrible. However, along comes a film like this 1987 oddity from directors Donald G. Jackson (“Lingerie Kickboxer”, “Rollergator”, and several other roller-blade themed films) and R.J. Kizer (predominantly a sound editor by trade), and it damn nearly gives me a migraine trying to work out what I think of it. Honestly, the best I can come up with is that this film exists on a plane where it is impossible to discern whether it’s a good film or a terrible one. My mind is still too frazzled to work it out. A guilty pleasure? Well, I never feel guilty about liking anything. But it’s certainly a cult item, and whatever you make of it, I at least found it compelling viewing and that counts for something.

 

I would’ve loved to have been at the meeting where the idea for this was pitched. If Hunter S. Thompson and Philip K. Dick were to ever collaborate on a sci-fi story, this might be the bizarro result. Plot-wise the film is something of a mixture between a porno, “Mad Max II: The Road Warrior”, and cult favourites “Barbarella”, and “Tank Girl”, but with special FX/makeup lifted from “Howard the Duck”. Yes, the title character in “Howard the Duck” looked freakish and thoroughly unappealing, but with seemingly similar technology applied here, it seems more at home. These are mutant amphibians, they’re not cuddly ducks, and the FX are lots of oddball fun.

 

Former wrestler Roddy Piper is hilarious, cast as an emasculated hunk. For a wrestler, Piper was always kinda scrawny looking, and that’s why he was often a bit of a cheater. In this film, compared to everyone else on screen, he looks like Hulk Freakin’ Hogan. Dude is deceptively big, I guess. This isn’t Piper with his vintage ‘Hot Rod’ crazy rambling persona, but it’s pretty close. I like “They Live”, but his starring debut here allows Piper more room to play around. Rory Calhoun has fun in a colourful part in a film full of colourful parts. At any rate, the film is better than the two “Angel” films he appeared in around this time. Sandal Bergman, looking alarmingly like a skinny, blonde Katey Sagal, is amusingly cast and in seriously good shape. Frighteningly good shape, actually.

 

The screenplay is by Randall Frakes (who comes from an FX background, working on “Escape From New York” and “Battle Beyond the Stars”), from a story by Frakes and Jackson. I don’t know what to make of this film except it fascinated and amused me from start to finish. It is what it is, and I think I kinda enjoyed it. It’s something, at least. It definitely won’t be to everyone’s taste, though.

 

Rating: Um...Can I use the whole alphabet?