Review: The Expendables 2

As was the case last time, Sly Stallone is Barney Ross, leader of the title band of mercenaries which include right-hand man Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), possibly insane Gunner (Dolph Lundgren), explosives expert Toll Road (Randy Couture), and gun nut Hale Caesar (Terry Crews). They’ve also picked up some new blood in Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth), perhaps due to Jet Li’s Yin Yang literally parachuting out of the film in under twenty minutes. Bruce Willis returns as the mysterious Mr. Church to give the gang their next mission. It’s an apparently simple task, but it’s one that results in them being a member short. This provides them, and Ross in particular with a thirst for revenge to take down the aptly named Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme). Villain is a merciless fellow looking for untapped weapons-grade plutonium somewhere in the former Soviet Union, with martial arts star Scott Adkins playing his right-hand man, whose stoic stare makes it perfectly obvious he’ll be seeing Statham’s Lee sometime in the near future. Vilain captures the information the gang were sent to retrieve, and it leads him to the whereabouts of the plutonium. Arnold Schwarzenegger gets in on the action this time, returning as Ross’ rival mercenary Trench, who helps Ross out to return a favour. Nan Yu’s safecracker adds a little feminine spice as another new addition to the crew (by order of Mr. Church), whilst Charisma Carpenter is back as Lee’s girl, and one Chuck Norris literally turns up out of nowhere for an extended cameo as a guy named Booker, who may or may not be the same guy from “Good Guys Wear Black”, and who may or may not be a Lone Wolf.

 

The original “The Expendables” was watchable, but a little too self-serious to be a truly enjoyable 80s throwback like we were all hoping it would be. Although extremely bloody, the shaky-cam employed by Jeffrey Kimball (“Top Gun”) presumably at the behest of director/star/co-writer Sly Stallone meant it wasn’t quite as enjoyable as one would’ve liked. And you could count the minutes on-screen some of the big-name stars (some of whom weren’t quite ‘big’ enough or ‘star’ enough for my liking- I’m looking at you Mr’s Randy Couture, David Zayas, and Terry Crews) had on one hand. I suppose that it was a lot better than it could’ve been, though. I mean, it was better than most of the films Stallone made in the 2000s, let’s face it.

 

Well, for this 2012 sequel, Stallone has handed over directorial duties to Simon West (the underrated “Con Air”, the enjoyable remake of “The Mechanic”), and aided by cinematographer Shelly Johnson (“Nightflyers”, the solid remake of “The Wolfman”), and writers Stallone and Richard Wenk (“16 Blocks”, West’s “The Mechanic”), the film is infinitely more enjoyable than the first film. It’s actually an entertaining B-movie and nostalgia piece, though it still bothers the shit out of me that Van Damme (who plays the villain named Vilain) and a guy famous for banging Miley Cyrus are on the poster, but martial arts star Scott Adkins (who plays Van Damme’s chief henchman) isn’t.

 

West immediately proves himself a much cleaner director of action, but without losing any of Stallone’s love of the red stuff. The action is really good, and West, aided by cinematographer Johnson, only goes the shaky-cam route once, and that’s for a chopper crash. Wow, you can actually see what goes on, someone was obviously listening to the online chatter. Meanwhile, it’s good to see that although Jet Li is in and out of the film really quickly, West manages to sneak in an action scene for him anyway. Liam Hemsworth can fuck off (I won’t say that to his face, though), but at least he’s not the human blocked nose like his brother (he certainly speaks his native tongue- English- more fluently and clearly than brother Chris), and is actually not in the film as much as one suspects. So why is he on the poster and why is Scott Adkins not one of the heroes? I guess Adkins would be underused as a sniper, but it’s one of the film’s only flaws that he’s so underused as Van Damme’s No. 1 henchman (he’s in it enough to warrant being on the fuckin’ poster, though). Hell, I would’ve preferred another go-round for Mickey Rourke rather than Hemsworth. I heard that it was Van Damme’s idea to give Statham and Adkins their final fight scene (originally envisioned as part of the Van Damme-Stallone showdown), and Adkins (whose ‘moose and squirrel’ accent from the “Undisputed” sequels is back again) should be forever thankful to his frequent co-star Van Damme (they had worked together four times at this point, ditto Van Damme and Lundgren- I guess the latter two don’t hate each other anymore), it’s his best scene in the movie, and probably just the best scene in the movie, period. As soon as you see the propeller you know where it’ll end up, but boy is it nasty when it comes. Adkins might be wasted, but he’s still a vast improvement over Gary Daniels from the first film. I really liked that his character doesn’t fuck around and is just straight-up bad arse. I would’ve preferred to see Adkins tear it up with Jet Li, but Statham’s legit enough (as an athlete, at any rate. Hey, Van Damme came from a ballet background in addition to kickboxing, so diving’s certainly nothing to scoff at, then!) to be a formidable opponent, as this isn’t his first martial arts fight scene.

 

The other big standout scene is of course the epic clash between Van Damme and Stallone. I don’t know if Van Damme still does all of his own stunts (or if he ever did, for that matter), but the editing and camerawork suggest it’s all Van Damme and he is easily the most in-shape of the movie’s big 80s action movie titans. Certainly things would be different if it were Steven Seagal vs. Stallone, with the former now looking like a sweaty, immobile piece of luggage (Hi, I’m George Hamilton!) and too damn lazy to even do his own post-production looping at times. Van Damme looks to be in good health (Jet Li and Arnold have aged relatively gracefully too), and although Stallone’s face looks like it’s about to fall off his face, it’s a good, crowd-pleasing fanboy fight. But seriously, I’ve seen professional wrestlers on less steroids than Stallone. My God.

 

Other fanboy moments are pretty much hit or miss. Arnold yelling ‘Cut me loose, Frankenstein!’ to Stallone was a great, semi-obscure line, but Crews’ subsequent Terminator line is a bit groan-inducing (Seriously, was Michael Jai White busy at the time?), as is a “Rambo” reference. Even worse is Arnold using Willis’ most famous line, though Willis’ preceding line to that is pretty damn funny. And let’s face it, this is what we wanted from the first film, Arnold, Sly, and Willis trading quips and one-liners with a bit more screen time for Arnold and Willis than last time, so if Arnold’s a little cheesy here (even for this film), it’s no biggie. Welcome back, Arnold. You’ve been missed. By the way, there’s a brilliant choice of vehicle for Willis and Arnold towards the end (they get into the action this time around), and Willis’ reaction to a severed head might just be the funniest moment in the entire film. Stay tuned during the credits and look closely when Arnold’s name appears for yet another “Terminator” reference, but a good one this time. I must say, though, that when Willis, Stallone, and Arnold joke about belonging in a museum, I don’t get the impression that Willis (whose cameo was one of the best things about the original) realises it refers to him, too.

 

Dolph Lundgren (who isn’t in bad shape, despite the rough head) once again gets all of the film’s funniest moments simply by acting like a nutter, but this time mixing it up with a disarming intelligence (Based on truth, he really does have a Masters in Chemical Engineering). Did he really need to throw that chicken, though? Every line that comes out of his mouth is hilarious, especially the bit about the baby seal. You sick, sick bastard, Dolph. Meanwhile, as much as I loathe Chuck Norris passionately (and not just because he’s a homophobic Republican), his appearance is fall-down hard funny, mixing references to two of his films, an Ennio Morricone musical cue (one of the big ones), and even a Chuck Fact! Points off, though, for it not being the fact about him telling time. That was my favourite one. The guy can’t act and looks like he’s a reanimated corpse, though.

 

There’s no doubt in my mind that Jean-Claude Van Damme walks off with the entire film, and is clearly having a whale of a time as the film’s uber-cool bad guy. He and Adkins make for a cool spinning kick/knife combo, too. He’s actually not given that much screen time, but West smartly spreads out his scenes (as with Arnold and Willis) to make them count. Van Damme’s entrance, in particular, is quite memorable. It’s great that Van Damme no longer cares about being the hero, because he proves here as in “Replicant”, that he’s a really effective bad guy. He is Bad. Ass. Hell, he’s practically built up like a Bond villain here, and it’s just nice to see him clearly enjoying himself. Stallone is more easygoing this time around, and has a nice rapport with Statham, in fact, they’re a lot more fun in this than they were in the first film. I used to loathe Statham early in his career, but in the right role, he can be enjoyable. This is definitely the right role. I wish Stallone would quit with the geopolitical crap, but he’s eased off a bit this time. It’s still there, but not as much.

 

I didn’t much care for Nan Yu as the female member of “The Expendables”. Unless it’s Michelle Yeoh, we don’t need a female member of the group if you ask me, and her performance is awfully wooden. She has one constant dopey expression on her face, and she doesn’t even look like she blinks at all. Still, it amazes me that even she doesn’t get on the poster. She’s in it more than Miley’s handbag. Charisma Carpenter continues to be beautiful but completely irrelevant to this franchise. I’m telling you, if they do a third one, Michael Jai White or Tony Jaa (is he still at the monastery?) better be in it! Hell, throw in The Rock or even John Cena (Both, even. They’re wrestling rivals as I write this, so why not make ‘em Hollywood rivals too?), maybe Siu Wong Fan (“Riki Oh”), and Wesley Snipes if he’s out of prison.

 

This film’s tagline ought to have been ‘If you want blood (you got it!’), as it’s an absolute blood feast, and I was helping myself at the buffet table. I think this might be the largest body count in movie history, and it’s a jolly good thing that Conservative Chuck didn’t get his way on that. I think there might’ve been more dead bodies in this than live ones.

 

Credit where it’s due, Mr. West gives us basically the movie we wanted. It’s good for what it is, and I like what it is. It certainly puts the film version of “The A-Team” to shame.

 

Rating: B-