Review: This Means War

FDR (Chris Pine) and Tuck (Tom Hardy) are spies and best buds attempting to nab international terrorist Heinrich (Til Schweiger). But who cares about that when we can watch them fight over the girl (Reese Witherspoon) they’ve both met over an internet dating site. Well, Tuck does at any rate, it’s just unfortunate that she meets FDR on the same day as her first date with Tuck and is attracted to him (strange, given he’s an egotistical dickhead). The game to win her heart is on, and no dirty trick or spy device is left unused. Chelsea Handler plays Witherspoon’s snarky, married best friend, Angela Bassett is the spy boss, and Laura Vandervoort is Tuck’s ex-wife and the mother of his son.

Well this sure is an idiotic misfire, isn’t it? This 2012 so-called romantic comedy from alleged director McG (the light and pleasant “Charlie’s Angels”and its entirely empty-headed sequel) seems to want to be “Knight and Day”for Gen-Y. It fails spectacularly on just about every conceivable level. The basic plot is beyond absurd, as two supposedly top spies end up fighting over the same girl, and commandeer their spy technology to serve their personal romantic pursuits. That’s quite simply the worst idea for a movie since Rob Schneider learned kung-fu to avoid being prison raped in “Big Stan”.Yes, “True Lies” used the basic idea, but that was just in a subplot, and more importantly, it was funny. There is only one laugh in this entire film, and it comes from Pine’s co-worker in regards to Hardy’s pursuit of Witherspoon; ‘I think that’s a New British Invasion what just happened there’. Also, ‘Itsfate.net’ might just be the worst name for a dating website ever, so that was cute too. Otherwise, it’s so empty-headed it makes “Men at Work” look like pure genius. I kinda wished I’d re-watched that harmless 1990 film instead (Keith David was awesome in it!).

The film fails on the romance front too, because Tom Hardy shares absolutely no chemistry with Witherspoon whatsoever, and although Chris Pine shares slightly more, he has such an unlikeable, jerky presence on screen that you don’t care. Honestly, I think Chris Pine might just have the most unlikeable and off-putting screen presence of any actor currently working. He’s as much of a dick here as he was in “Star Trek”, only the film itself is much, much worse. But it’s not just the romantic chemistry that’s lacking, Pine and Hardy simply don’t gel together, either, and are incredibly unfunny. Even as rivals, they don’t work, and as friends they’re completely incompatible. They’re like oil and turds. I like Tom Hardy as an actor, and early in this film he had me convinced that he should’ve played James Bond instead of Daniel Craig. He’s suitably rugged but an interesting actor too, unlike the wooden Craig. But this film does him no favours after the opening scene.

I find sarcastic comedienne Chelsea Handler occasionally funny, but a little of her goes a long, long way because she only plays one snarky note. Here her scenes as Witherspoon’s best pal, ala Carrie Fisher in “When Harry Met Sally” or Rita Wilson in anythingRita Wilson appears in, seem to come from a different film entirely. Technically, they should seem organic to the schmaltzy material, but there’s something ‘off’, and I think it must be Handler’s performance. Not only do I think there’s no way on earth she and Reese Witherspoon could ever be friends, but I feel like Handler performs all her scenes like no one else is in the scene with her, even when they are. Maybe she needs to earn the art of‘listening’, indicative of her inexperience in films. Til Schweiger is good casting as the villain I suppose, given he, Pine, and Hardy all look like GQ models, but the film barely manages to give a crap about the terrorist plot and the fine actor is wasted. And although I think Angela Bassett was quite right to criticise Halle Berry in “Monster’s Ball”, if the price she paid was to turn up as the angry black boss in shit like this, maybe it wasn’t such a smart thing for her. Wasted doesn’t even begin to describe her appearance here. It’s a one-note role and Bassett can’t do a damn thing about it. Remember when she used to be an actress?

I don’t know who out of writers Timothy Dowling (the enjoyable “Role Models”, the desperate “Just Go With It”) and Simon Kinberg (“Mr.& Mrs. Smith”, “Sherlock Holmes”) is responsible for the nauseating dialogue in this film, but they should’ve watched “When Harry Met Sally” to learn how to do it right. Not even an actor as solid as Tom Hardy can make the ‘ground rules’ scene work due to the awful dialogue he is given. But the writers botch a whole lot more than that, having the two protagonists’dilemma revealed after barely 30 minutes. That should’ve been far more prolonged. Once they start spying on each other, it hits rock bottom- 40 minutes in. I did like the cute song selection, though, with The Beastie Boys’ ‘Sabotage’ and Sade’s ‘Smooth Operator’. I loathe Sade, though, she’s basically hipster elevator muzak.

It’s a stupendously moronic film, the only saving grace being the beautiful and immensely likeable Reese Witherspoon, but not even seeing her dance around in her underwear can save this crap. She tries her perky little heart out, though, and is absolutely charming. Well, except when she claims that Hitchcock’s “The Lady Vanishes” is inferior to his work from the 60s onwards. Nope, it’s far better than any film he made during the 60s and early 70s except “Psycho”. Everyone knows that. It’s not even a matter of opinion. I liked “Topaz”. That’s an opinion. Besides, it makes no sense to trash everything pre-1960 by Hitchcock (what about his best film, 1951’s “Strangers on a Train”?) when this film’s mixture of spy flick, romance, and comedy, is basically riffing on Hitchcock’s spy films of the 30s and 40s, which in addition to “The Lady Vanishes”, include the classic “39 Steps” and “Notorious”. I can forgive Witherspoon’s character perhaps, but not the idiots who wrote the character. I have also never seen her look so stunning on screen. Is she single right now? I know I ask that about a lot of actresses but seriously, I want to marry that girl. Yes, DUI rant and all.

Having said that, even Witherspoon’s character is unlikeable too. She basically gets away with murder, two-timing Pine and Hardy. So you’ve got a love triangle with absolutely no likeable characters, and really only one charming performance. Meanwhile, it’s all-too obvious from the outset who Witherspoon is going to choose, even without the chemistry on show. The way the characters are situated in their lives makes it entirely transparent, but it wouldn’t matter who she chose. None of these people are right for each other.

Wow, what a botch-job. This is a flimsy, stupid excuse for a film that can’t even be enjoyed on the level of a disposable piece of romantic fluff. Some might think I was a bit harsh towards “New Year’s Eve”, but I’m sorry, that film, like this one isn’t even competent on its chosen, lightweight level. It deserves to be roasted.

Rating: D