Review: The Golden Child

Eddie Murphy stars as a smart-arse locator of lost children hired by a humourless young woman (Charlotte Lewis) to locate a missing Tibetan boy (played by a girl, J.L. Reate) with special mystical powers, who has been kidnapped by a disciple of Satan, played by Charles Dance, who is surrounded by idiot thugs (Played by Randall ‘Tex’ Cobb and Tiger Chung Lee). Murphy treats everything flippantly, even when it becomes obvious that Lewis isn’t a crackpot and Dance clearly is operating on some higher power of evil than the everyday crims one encounters. Victor Wong plays a Chinese mystic and pickpocket, and fellow “Big Trouble in Little China” alum James Hong and Peter Kwong also have minor roles.

Some people revisit the films they loved as a child. Me, I’ve been revisiting childhood duds lately, including this golden turkey from 1986, directed by Michael Ritchie (“Fletch”, “The Couch Trip”) and scripted by  Dennis Feldman (who would later pen the mediocre, “Alien”-esque “Species”). I’m a sick, sick man. Seemingly an attempt to mix Eastern fantasy with wise-arse Eddie Murphy urban action-comedy ala “Beverly Hills Cop” (or perhaps even Ritchie’s own “Fletch”), but with a gentler, less profane Murphy than usual, it’s entirely witless and a sign of things to come from the increasingly family friendly Murphy.

Aside from some lovely Tibetan scenery, the only tolerable thing in the entire film is the music score by Michel Colombier (“Purple Rain”, “The Money Pit”, and the amusing, “Fletch”-like “Who’s Harry Crumb”). Meanwhile, James Hong, Victor Wong, and Peter Kwong are not able to fool me into thinking that this is “Big Trouble in Little China” (which I think was released after this). Hong in particular is wasted in a bit of casting that only exists because it is written in the ancient scrolls of movie stereotyping that he has to be in every Asian movie made in America. In this one, though, he’s not given a damn thing to work with. Still, he might consider himself luckier than Wong, who plays not just an Asian stereotype, but an embarrassing Asian stereotype.

I suppose there is something to be said for seeing Randall ‘Tex’ Cobb in a top hat at one point, but he’s given an even less entertaining thug henchman role than usual, opposite one-time WWF/E ‘jobber’ Tiger Chung Lee. Meanwhile, someone told Charlotte Lewis she’d make a good actress. That person is fucking evil. She is a terrible actress, and unless I blinked, she never changes facial expression once in the film. As the central villain, the very fine Charles Dance looks entirely bored (Murphy looks bemused too, to be honest) in a casting decision obviously modelled on Steven Berkoff in Murphy’s excellent “Beverly Hills Cop”. The role isn’t as meaty, and Dance clearly knows it. Like Sir Ben Kingsley, however, he seems to have an unfamiliarity with the word ‘no’. By the way, does Dance’s character really work for The Claw? I’ll get you, Gadget!

Perhaps the worst box-office hit of all-time, it’s a terrible misfire, sluggish and slow, with a seemingly bored Murphy no-selling all the danger around him. Almost an hour in and he was still being flippant to all the trouble he was getting himself into. It’s an incredibly annoying performance that reminded me of Robert Downey Jr.’s later and similarly flippant performance in the overrated “Iron Man” series. It’s just Murphy being flippant for 90 minutes, playing the same one note over and over. He sure as shit ain’t no Jack Burton, that’s for damn sure (and the special FX are far worse than in “Big Trouble in Little China” which came out the same year), and the material certainly isn’t of the equal of “Beverly Hills Cop” (though part of the finale appears to take place in a remarkably similar location to the climax of that film). But the reason for this film’s utter failure (outside of box-office) can probably best be encapsulated in the scene where Murphy is visited by Charles Dance and his cronies in his dreams, Charlotte Lewis is tied up with toilet paper, and the whole thing has a live audience and ‘applause’ scene. Is this shit for real?

The thing is, though, it could’ve all worked if not for the fact that it isn’t remotely funny. It’s also topped off by a horribly underwhelming ending. I honestly think the late, great Roger Ebert is the only person on the planet who liked this movie. Is it Murphy’s worst-ever film? All I know is it’s boring, slow, and there’s not one laugh in it.

Rating: F