Review: Sharknado

The film’s tagline says ‘Enough Said’, so do I really need to provide you with a synopsis? You’re just trying to make me work, aren’t you...arseholes.

A freak hurricane on the Californian coast results in hundreds of sharks somehow falling from the sky inside tornadoes. Former surfing champ turned bar owner Ian Ziering, his Tassie surfer buddy Jaason Simmons, town boozer John Heard, and pretty young bartender Cassie Cserbo attempt to reach Ziering’s estranged family (including ex-wife Tara Reid and their two kids who look far too old to belong to Tara Reid), and hopefully stay alive.

 

Yeah, “Sharknado”. The last movie the guy from “Glee” tweeted about before his death (Moral? Be careful what you tweet, because it might be the last thing you ever do). The butt of seemingly a thousand jokes from TV’s “The Soup”. The 2013 movie that combines the acting ‘talents’ of Ian Ziering from “Beverly Hills 90210”, the dad from “Home Alone” (how did John Heard end up in this? Paying some gambling debts?), notorious car crash Tara Reid, that scowly bitch-face from “Make It or Break It” (Cassie Scerbo and her one facial expression), and the other Aussie guy from “Baywatch” (i.e. Jaason Simmons). So is the film any good? Of course not. But is it as legendarily bad as the hype suggests? Well, yes...in parts, but I’m not exactly holding out for “Sharknado 2”, it’s hardly a bad movie classic, let alone one that warrants a sequel. Unless they can get Screech, Vanilla Ice, Gabrielle Carteris, and the dad from “Family Matters”. Then maybe I’d watch. Maybe. OK, not really, I just wanted to make a lame joke.

 

Ah, the one-time Steve Sanders has finally turned up in a SyFy ‘classic’. The problem with Ian Ziering (who has apparently joined the Chippendales, according to an interview I saw with him recently- is that kind of a lateral move at this point?) as an actor is that he had the most enjoyable role on “90210”, but Steve Sanders is the only role he’s good at. As a stock hero here, he’s boring because 99% of the time, he’s in stoic mode. He needed more room to be tongue-in-cheek and self-effacing, his best attributes. Jaason Simmons, meanwhile, is absolutely appalling and the poor guy has aged a whole lot since his red board shorts wearing days. Also, his character says at one point that he’s Tasmanian, not Australian. I assume this is just a flub by an ignorant screenwriter, but Mr. Simmons (who really is from Tasmania) should’ve corrected the script, because Tasmania, although physically separate from the mainland of Australia, is still one of the states of Australia. It’s not merely an island off the coast. It’s an actual state. John Heard’s presence here might be rather sad, but as the resident drunk (or is that just how he was roped into making the film?) he’s at least trying to have some fun. The fun isn’t as contagious as I wanted it to be, however. And would someone please tell Ms. Cserbo that it’s perfectly OK to smile every once in a while, even if you’re embarrassed to be in a film called “Sharknado”!

 

I’m sorry, but even Tara Reid and Jaaaaaaason Simmons (sorry, the ‘a’ key got stuck) deserve better than “Sharknado”. There’s something really quite pathetic about their participation in this film, and rather sad. Directed by former Fangoria writer Anthony C. Ferrante (who directed the subpar horror flick “Boo!”) and scripted by the fabulously named Thunder Levin (something called “Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood!”), it’s a pretty terrible film, even by SyFy standards, but it’s ultimately not quite the Ed Woodian turd you’re hoping for. And yet, it’s “Sharknado”, people. It’s still a must-see film simply so you can say you’ve seen it. For some reason it seemed to attract more attention and recognition than most cheesy monster films, so maybe it’ll inspire people to check out better ones, or even worse ones, and that in my view is always a good thing.

 

It’s a one-of-a-kind film, just not that much fun, mostly due to the absolutely fugly photography by Ben Demaree, though there are still moments of entertainment. I mean, I kept watching to the very end, even though every shot looked like someone put sunglasses over the camera lens. It’s quite bloody and merciless for this kind of TV-movie thing, though, which is nice. But it’s incredibly overblown, as it’s not so much a sharknado as it is a sharkocalypse, it’s beyond ridiculous. Meanwhile, the CGI effects are some of the worst in any SyFy film I’ve seen. The sharks in particular are pathetic and the green screen is appallingly obvious and cheap as hell. There’s a serious lack of scientific explanation in the film too, but...once again, it’s “Sharknado”, people, and it’s entirely fucking absurd. I mean, we’re talking about a tornado with sharks in it. Literally. It’s truly a new level of stupid. Speaking of stupid, the scene where Jaaaaaaaaaason Siiiiiiimmons gets attacked by a shark while on his jet-ski and rescued by Ziering and his deadly surfboard is one of the more screamingly funny moments in the film.

 

I’d like to say that I always knew I’d end up reviewing a film like this, but truly, who could’ve possibly imagined a film called “Sharknado” starring Tara Reid and Steve Sanders? The highlight, and I’m sure we’ve all seen the clips, is the hilarious finale involving a shark, Ziering, and a chainsaw. That was absolutely classic. The film...is a teeny bit crap, which may or may not be worse than you are expecting, depending on what you want to get out of the film. I just wished it weren’t so brown and dim as hell throughout. Still, that’s one goofy arse movie title B-movie legend Roger Corman probably would’ve loved the heck out of.  

 

Rating: D+