Review: Ted

Mark Wahlberg is John, formerly a friendless child who once wished his teddy bear could really talk and be his one true friend. One fucked up Christmas wish granted later, and it comes true, causing a media frenzy in the process. Twenty years later, John is still best buds with Ted (voiced by Peter Grif...er...Seth MacFarlane), and they spend a lot of time together, usually smoking dope and talking about their love for all things “Flash Gordon”. Somehow, John has managed to get himself a hot girlfriend, played by Mila Kunis, who is starting to find Ted’s appeal wearing a bit thin. She wants John to get serious with her, and worries that he’ll be too busy goofing off with Ted to make a real commitment. Throw in an uber-creepy father (Giovanni Ribisi) and son who want to buy Ted from John, and “The Soup” host Joel McHale as Kunis’ lecherous boss, and you’ve got yourself a movie. Of some kind. Patrick Warburton turns up as a co-worker of John’s who may be gay, Jessica Barth plays a slutty checkout chick whom Ted attempts to woo (yes, you read that correctly), and Bill Smitrovich plays a prospective boss of Ted’s (yes, you read that correctly, too).

 

This 2012 Seth MacFarlane comedy isn’t for me. I won’t deny I laughed, just as I can’t deny some of the “Star Wars” and Indiana Jones references on “Family Guy” have made me chuckle. But just as there’s nothing else on “Family Guy” that appeals to me (it comes across as a poor man’s blend of “The Simpsons” and “South Park” to me), this film makes you wade through a fair bit of crap to get to the laughs. It reminds me of his otherwise smug Oscar-hosting gig where the only funny thing was his ‘We Saw Your Boobs’ song (Funniest of all was that several major news outlets seemed to not realise that the ‘offended’ actresses in the audience were in on the joke and acting).

 

The premise is beyond stupid (even for a comedy), and MacFarlane is as seriously lazy a comedian as he is a seriously lazy first-time filmmaker, falling back on toilet humour, more “Star Wars” and Indy jokes (funny or not), and a whole lot of recycled material from “Family Guy”. This goes all the way to having the exact same font here as featured on that show’s credits (same shade of blue, too), and MacFarlane’s lazy-arse vocal performance as Ted is basically Peter Griffin with a lower register (And having Ted say ‘Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!’ at one point, doesn’t make you clever, Seth!). Hell, the idea of a talking, foul-mouthed teddy bear is basically a dressed up version of Brian the dog from “Family Guy” anyway (Meanwhile, Mila Kunis sounds like a Meg Griffin rip-off to me...what? What did I say?). Add to this a miscast Mark Wahlberg in a role that screams out for Seth Rogen (who essentially played Ted as an alien in “Paul”) or Jason Segel, and a botched cameo by Norah Jones (why bother having her play her one hit song only to have her play it in such a different arrangement that you can’t recognise it? Hell, I didn’t even recognise her at first she looks so different, so the joke didn’t work at all). In fact, the funniest thing about the Norah Jones segment was Wahlberg singing (badly) Rita Coolidge’s underrated ballad ‘All Time High’ from “Octopussy”.

 

I also think MacFarlane and co-writers Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild (both “Family Guy” staff) get a bit lost towards the end with the intent/tone of the film and forgets he’s a wise-arse for a moment. The prologue seems to be spoofing schmaltzy holiday films with ‘magical’ premises, but by the end, it seems like MacFarlane isn’t being snarky about it anymore, and disastrously wants to take the central premise (a pathetic one, I might add) somewhat seriously. That’s ridiculous, because in that case it leads one to question things like why would someone as hot as Mila Kunis want to be in a serious relationship with a guy who has a magically talking douchebag teddy for a best friend, even if the guy is Mark Wahlberg? Sure, Kunis herself questions it at one point, but how did they end up together in the damn first place? That’s the problem when you start to treat your own stupid premise seriously or when you try to shoe-horn a relationship movie/romantic comedy into your weed-smoking, foul-mouthed magically talking bear comedy.

 

Basically, MacFarlane starts off by taking pot-shots at “ALF”, but by the end, the only thing separating it from that (highly underrated) TV sitcom is the raunch factor. If you take the premise semi-seriously, you’re doomed to enter sitcom territory. It’s not a bad film, in fact I was expecting it to be far worse, but it’s an especially lazy one and there was quite a few stretches of the film where I didn’t laugh at all (Meanwhile, Kunis not recognising the Imperial March nearly made my head explode! What is wrong with that woman?).

 

The film’s high point is definitely the set-piece revolving around Ted and John’s love of the movie “Flash Gordon” (which has one of the greatest soundtracks of all-time, by the way), culminating in an appearance by a very game Sam Jones himself. Everything about the scene is hilarious. I loved Ted’s discussion about the vocal trends in 90s music, with a gut-bustingly funny rendition of a Hootie and the Blowfish song. Meanwhile, Patrick Warburton’s every moment on screen made me laugh, even if he’s still doing the same deadpan, Puddy from “Seinfeld” delivery. Cute payoff with a celebrity superhero cameo there, too. I wasn’t overly fussed with Patrick Stewart’s narration (you like “Star Trek”, Seth. We know, OK?), but the opening scene does have an amusing payoff when people first learn that Ted can really talk (‘Look what Jesus did!’). I also think Giovanni Ribisi gives one of his best-ever performances in a profoundly creepy role, even if it’s not an especially funny performance. And I completely agree with John, the c-word is terrible and sharp. I hate that word, too. I was a little bit disappointed with “The Soup” host Joel McHale, though, as he has been much funnier elsewhere. However, it’s hard to do much with the stock-standard ‘sleazy boss who hits on the hero’s girlfriend’ character.

 

I’m not really on MacFarlane’s comedic wavelength, but if you are, and don’t mind that every single one of his projects is essentially a repeat of “Family Guy”, you’ll find this film hilarious. I found it a one-joke premise that was stupid beyond belief from a one-trick pony comedian, but yeah...I laughed a few times. I won’t lie. It’s just that for every laugh, there’s a whole lot of eye-rolling. I mean, why recreate the “Saturday Night Fever” parody from the classic “Airplane”/“Flying High” without an actual joke/point of your own attached, Seth? Or is it just meant to be funny that you’ve seen that movie and remember that scene? Big deal! Meanwhile, are we even going to remember this film in ten years? That seems to be an unfortunate trend with movies these days, they seem unlikely candidates for re-watching through the years. But hey, whatever puts arses in seats at the cinemas is all that matters, right? Yeah...

 

Rating: C+