Review: Celebrity

Kenneth Branagh plays a tabloid writer, would-be novelist and wannabe screenwriter, who is desperately trying to gather interest in his screenplay, approaching actors played by Melanie Griffith, and a troubled, hotel-trashing Leonardo DiCaprio. This results in a lot of parties, drinking, and women. Chief among these women are a hot model (Charlize Theron), his book editor (Famke Janssen), and a struggling actress (Winona Ryder). Judy Davis stars as Branagh’s repressed ex-wife who seeks ‘professional’ help from veteran hooker Bebe Neuwirth on pleasing a man, before being charmed by producer Joe Mantegna. Gretchen Mol plays DiCaprio’s abused girlfriend, with Sam Rockwell and an amusingly (retroactively, at least) cast Adrian Grenier as his entourage.

You probably know by now that I don’t much like Woody Allen movies, with the exception of a few (“Deconstructing Harry”, “Annie Hall”, “Hollywood Ending”, and maybe “Everything You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Sex”). This 1998 film isn’t quite as nauseating and infantile as “Midnight in Paris”, but nonetheless it’s aimless, clichéd, and not very interesting, despite some good performances. To me, it played like a series of filmed parties, it was repetitive as hell, and I didn’t really see a point anywhere. And if you’re one of those viewers who has Woody pegged as a misogynist, boy are you gonna hate this film. The absolute nadir would have to be the scene where Bebe Neuwirth instructs Judy Davis in how to give head, using a banana. It’s the single most degrading scene of Woody Allen’s career and an embarrassment to both actresses. Then again, I myself couldn’t get over the very fact that Bebe Neuwirth was playing a hooker in a film that already stars Gretchen Mol, Winona Ryder, and Charlize Theron. I mean, there’s ‘experienced’ and then there’s Lilith Friggin’ Crane. Bizarre casting, but this is the same film where Branagh cheats on Famke Janssen with Winona Ryder. At best, that’s a lateral move. Less bizarre (and more pretentious and annoying if anything) is the decision by Woody to have cinematographer Sven Nykvist (“The Virgin Spring”, “New York Stories”, “Sleepless in Seattle”) shoot this film in B&W. There is absolutely no legitimate reason for this, it’s merely Woody trying to show everyone what an ‘artiste’ (i.e. Wanker) he is.

One of the problems I tend to have with Woody films is that all of the characters seem to be written in his voice, and it’s an exceptionally irritating voice. This film is no exception, with Kenneth Branagh certainly one of the stranger Woody surrogates, and he attempts to ape Woody in the process. It gets a little tired and annoying after a while, though not as annoying as Woody himself can be. Judy Davis is also basically imitating Woody, and any scene between her and Branagh is nauseating. Davis’ yank accent also falters at times too. The film isn’t a total loss, however, as the performances by Charlize Theron, Joe Mantegna, Famke Janssen, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Winona Ryder are all fine. Theron and Mantegna in particular are worth singling out, as is Isaac Mizrahi in a small role. JK Simmons has a pretty funny cameo as a guy selling a Jesus statue that bleeds. I feel a bit sorry for Gretchen Mol. The ‘It’ girl of 1999 and then...well, have you seen her lately? I certainly haven’t.

My favourite scene in the film would have to be Branagh and Janssen having a relationship-breaking argument whilst a bunch of removalists are doing their job in the background. Priceless. Less amusing and frankly a bit ‘on the nose’ is Janssen throwing pages of Branagh’s script from a ship in New York with jazz sax underneath. I mean, spare me. I liked the idea of a plastic surgeon willing to turn a patient into Jennifer Jones in “Duel in the Sun”. That was funny. Less funny, and terribly forced, is Debra Messing as a TV reporter. I liked her on the underrated “Ned & Stacey”, but she has absolutely no business being in the movies.

The film has a seriously schizophrenic tone, as DiCaprio’s first scene is a testament to. He’s well-cast in the role, though. Meanwhile, Woody’s cleverness gets to his head, with Davis quoting Blanche Dubois at one point, and the idea of an all-black version of “Birth of a Nation”. Geez, we get it Woody, you’ve seen lots of movies. How about you turn this aimless mess into a movie, then? At least the “Duel in the Sun” reference was funny.

Like “Midnight in Paris”, this is the kind of film only recommended to people who have their heads up their own arses. This might have even less of a story than that film did, actually, and I think Woody did it better with “Hollywood Ending” a few years later anyway. Even Woody fans would have to agree that this aimless piece is far from his best offering, though some of the acting is quite strong.

Rating: C