Review: The Terror of Tiny Town

Here it is, folks, the first all-midget western, just what you were all asking for, right? RIGHT? An evil calf rustler (Rhodes) pits two ranchers against one another so as to nick all their cattle for himself. Young lovers Curtis (our hero, wearing a white hat, naturally) and Moray caught in the middle of a war between their two respective families. (Intentional) comic relief comes in the form of a chef (Becker) chasing a duck around, whilst Krebs plays a pint-sized Dietrich-esque saloon singer. There’s also a wimpy, morally-conflicted sheriff (Joseph Herbst”) in here somewhere too.

 

Pitching somewhere in between Tod Browning’s exploitative but unforgettably nightmarish “Freaks” and Edward D. Wood’s seminal Worst Movie of All-Time “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, comes this all-‘midget’ western from 1938, directed by Sam Newfield (“The Mad Monster”, “The Monster Maker”, “Counterfeiters”). An obviously exploitative picture, it’s often included in ‘Worst Films of All-Time’ lists, and deservingly so. However, there is one definite point of difference between this and the oeuvre of Ed Wood: Unless you’re certifiably insane, there’s no way you could argue that this film was meant to be any good (At best it’s meant to be an oddball curio). I’m not saying it was meant to be incompetently made, and indeed it is incompetently made and rather boring in parts. But when you sit down to watch an all-‘midget’ western, you get what you expect to (a terribly made and exploitative cheapie), and largely what you deserve to. With Wood, despite being a bit of a huckster in getting his films financed, the poor guy thought he was making good films. He just wasn’t a remotely talented filmmaker and had no sense of objectivity.

 

Anyway, this is an awful, demented, and occasionally hilarious film, certainly among the worst of all-time. But hey, at least it’s short. Sorry...really I am, but it’s that kind of film, and if you’re watching it, obviously you’re not easily offended. This sure as hell wouldn’t get made today in our PC world (and I’m no anti-PC guy, necessarily). If it did, though, it’d be of a higher quality than this (and thus largely irrelevant, but never mind) badly acted, badly written western with truly terrible sound recording. However, I must say that every film buff ought to see this at least once before they die, it’s one-of-a-kind, at the very least.

 

One thing I want to get out there first is, as bad as the film is, and as exploitative as it might be (like the blaxploitation genre did for African American actors) this film at least gave its cast of little people a chance to work, even if they were mostly lumped together as ‘Jed Buell’s midgets’ in the opening credits (Buell had apparently made an all-Black western previously called “Harlem on the Prairie” which I’m sure is an NAACP favourite). I’m not so sure any were really proud of their work (and Billy Curtis is the only one of the bunch who I’ve seen in subsequent films like Hitchcock’s “Saboteur” and Clint Eastwood’s “High Plains Drifter”), whilst the actors in “Freaks” (and anyone who watches it) were hopefully able to appreciate that film’s disturbing power and nightmarish ability to stay with the viewer afterwards. That film for me transcended any ideas of exploitation or cruel mockery. That said, the idea of the little persons riding Shetland ponies in this film is pretty damn funny, but the scene where a calf is roped, is kinda clever, on a logistical level. It also had me wondering how many stunt persons of small stature were available at the time. They didn’t use kids did they? Because that would be fucked up. But there’s no doubt that this isn’t just a curio, it steps over into being an exploitation piece, as we’re laughing at these people, or at least we’re encouraged to. And whilst it may be a horribly made film (dare I say it doesn’t measure up?), damn it, some of it’s really, really funny, wrong or not. Also funny is the idea that the characters walk underneath the saloon doors, with the doors admittedly being elevated to help sell the ‘gag’. Meanwhile, you haven’t lived, folks, until you’ve seen a Shetland pony-drawn carriage. Fabulous. I could also say that Curtis looks like half Mickey Rooney and half-half, but that would be mean, so I won’t say it. Oops. It’s actually kind of hilarious that the town is so clearly ill-fitting its population, which just seems a little wrong, doesn’t it? For starters, who built the town? Was it a bunch of ‘big’ people who did it as a joke and then left town? Bastards!

 

The only intentional comedy (of the non-derisive kind at least) that actually works, comes in the form of the cook character played by the quite competent Charles Becker, but unfortunately he couldn’t save the film on his own, even if they made him the main character. Most of it is actually deadly dull, I’m afraid (i.e. The actors, aside from Becker, are playing it straight), and it’s really only the ‘one-of-a-kind’ quality that will rope anyone in to watch it. None of these actors have the right voices for a western, let alone the right anything else, either! The lead villain (played by ‘Little Billy’ Rhodes) looked like an old woman, if you ask me, and the saloon singer (Krebs) looks and sounds eerily like a child beauty pageant contestant, making it all seem kinda ‘wrong’ (Not to mention she seems to be badly dubbed). The absolute worst decision made here was to make the film a musical (my least favourite film genre), because; a) No one here has a tolerable speaking voice, let alone singing voice, b) The sound quality is abysmal, though perhaps due to age, and c) It pads the running time. The film runs just over an hour, but it feels like 90 minutes at least. I can watch “Plan 9 From Outer Space” forever and not get bored with the unintentional hilarity, but in this film, the novelty wears off, certainly by the second viewing. The script is really just a stock-standard boring C-grade western story that merely happens to feature a bunch of little people in it. In some ways I suppose the cast and crew did the best they could, given I’m not sure how many genuinely trained actors there were among the little people community in the 30s, let alone how physically demanding the film would’ve been on them.

 

Tiny or not, this is a terrible film that I wholeheartedly recommend you view at least once. That said, I first knew of this film from an extended trailer on a VHS copy of “Plan 9 From Outer Space”. The trailer is terrific, and perhaps the best way to experience the film, as the full film wears out its welcome before an hour is up. The screenplay by Fred Myton (“Counterfeiters”) is apparently based on a stage show, but I bet it was more of a side-show.

 

Rating: F