Review: Everyone Says I Love You

Centred around the lives of an extended family and told from the POV of Natasha Lyonne, daughter of Woody Allen and Goldie Hawn, who have long been divorced but still friends. Hell, Woody’s practically best friends with her husband, Alan Alda. The film is mostly centred around Lyonne’s step-sister Drew Barrymore’s engagement to the very nervous Edward Norton. Meanwhile, recently single Allen tries to chat up a beautiful, but artistic younger woman (Julia Roberts) very different from himself. Lukas Haas plays Alda’s arrogant son who has recently announced his Conservative political leanings. Gaby Hoffmann and Natalie Portman play a couple of teenagers who are both into the same boy. Tim Roth turns up as the pet project of progressive Hawn, a recently paroled man whose path to reform may still have a few rough spots yet to hit.

 

I can think of few things worse than a musical, but a musical made by Woody Allen? That might just be the in-flight movie on the way down to my own personal Hell. In fairness, though, this 1996 film from the infamous writer-director is not as bad as all that, all things considered. In fact, it’s not even Allen’s worst film (which from the films I’ve seen, would be the pretentious and infantile “Midnight in Paris”). But if ever there was a film that just wasn’t aimed at me…boy is this it.

 

The biggest problem is that Allen has made a stylistic choice to feature actors who are not very good singers. He has done this deliberately. He’s a fucking idiot. What’s worse than a musical made by Woody Allen? A musical made by Woody Allen in which hardly anyone can hold a frigging tune. Take Edward Norton, for instance. Normally one of the most talented and intelligent actors of his generation. His opening number is classic Hollywood musical stuff…except he’s an awful singer barely putting in an effort. Bad movies are sometimes fun, bad singing is painful to endure. And that’s what makes Woody’s approach saw bafflingly wrong-headed. But Norton’s actual performance is disappointing to. Whilst Natasha Lyonne is essentially the film’s Woody surrogate (weird given Woody himself has a role anyway) and one of the better things about the film, Norton has seen fit to actually impersonate Woody. It’s obvious and he’s not even good at it. His Woody is a great Gene Wilder impersonation. A rare misfire from Mr. Norton. Goldie Hawn, meanwhile is clearly playing a Mia Farrow character, and let’s face it, Mia was always a replacement for Diane Keaton anyway. It’s a shame, because when Goldie gets to play Goldie and do her Goldie thing, she can be a delightful movie star. Here, she’s just not right for the part.

 

How bad is Drew Barrymore’s singing voice? So bad apparently, that she insisted someone do the singing for her. I know Marni Nixon made a career out of singing for other people, but if Woody wanted a film full of awkward singers (including himself, most unwisely), why dub someone because they can’t sing? No one here, really can. Drew does look absolutely stunning, however, and is always lovely on screen. The once lovely Julia Roberts is all kinds of wrong here. It’s egotistical of Woody to cast her as his potential love interest to begin with, but I refuse to believe that she knows any more about art than Woody. In fact, I bet she doesn’t even know who Kirk Douglas is, let alone Van Gogh. Her performance is extremely forced, and she certainly can’t sing. I know this because as the worst singer on the entire planet, I’m pretty much of an expert.

 

There were a few things here that keep it from being an all-out bad film instead of just below par. Cinematographer Carlo DiPalma (“Manhattan Murder Mystery”, “Bullets Over Broadway”) manages to capture Venice, Paris, and New York scenery absolutely stunningly. It’s a beautiful-looking film, no doubt about it. The performances from Lyonne (though I prefer her in edgier, more cynical roles), the always solid Alan Alda, and especially Tim Roth are good. Roth is terrific, actually, and supplies the only humour in the entire film, aside from the punchline involving Lukas Haas’ character, which is amusing (His overall performance, however is unfunny and strident). Woody himself is actually OK, so long as you can tolerate him. I also kinda admired how this plot is so very unsuitable for a cheery musical.

 

But I just wasn’t on this film’s wavelength. Especially bad is the scene where the ghosts of grandparents past emerge during a funeral to sing a calypso-themed song and dance routine. Even if it was meant to be funny, it’s beneath everyone concerned. Some of it is just padding, including the Halloween song, and the Groucho Marx song and dance routine. The latter is clever but pretentious and unnecessary, much as Woody does an OK Groucho impersonation.

 

This is best described as an awkward musical. I generally hate musicals but I wouldn’t normally think of them as awkward. That’s Woody’s vision and it doesn’t work. It’s kinda dumb, really. Glorious cameo by a Sikh taxi driver, though, who proves to be by far the best singer in the entire film. Second best? Roth. Distant third is Alda, and he’s not that good. The rest are varying degrees of ‘shut the fuck up, my ears are bleeding’. When your musical only contains three singers who don’t actively suck and one of them is a mere bit player…yikes.

 

I’d still put it ahead of “Midnight in Paris”, “Manhattan Murder Mystery” and “You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger”, but this is a very, very average film and hard to take. Imagine if Pierce Brosnan played all the roles in “Mamma Mia!”, and you’ll get the general painful idea here. Woody’s a long way from “Annie Hall” or even “Deconstructing Harry” here.

 

Rating: C