Review: Crimes of the Heart

Focussing on three sisters in Mississippi; The youngest named Babe (Sissy Spacek) has just shot her husband. This brings fledgling actress Meg (Jessica Lange) back home from Hollywood, whilst spinster Lenny (Diane Keaton) has apparently just turned 30 (going on 38 by the looks of it, but 11 intellectually it seems) and gets pissy over people half-eating her chocolates. Oh, and family patriarch Old Granddaddy (Hurd Hatfield) is dying, too. Tess Harper plays a nosey, judgemental neighbour, whilst Sam Shepard plays local Doc, a former flame of Meg’s she reacquaints herself with.

 

A talented Aussie director and several of the most respected film actresses of the 70s and 80s, and this is what they come up with? Based on a 1980 play and adapted by playwright Beth Henley (“Miss Firecracker”) herself, this Bruce Beresford (“Don’s Party”, “Breaker Morant”, “Tender Mercies”, “Driving Miss Daisy”) film from 1986 really should’ve been better than this, even if no one in the cast is among my favourite actor or actress. I simply didn’t know what the hell to make of it, except that I found it irritating, dated, miscast, and frankly rather bizarre. I’ve heard that it’s meant to be a comedy, but if so, I have no idea why. This material and subject matter wasn’t funny to me. Maybe it worked on the stage, maybe it’s a matter of personal taste, but I really didn’t get it. It’s unconvincing and unfunny.

 

Two scenes in particular stand out for all the wrong reasons; 1) The scene where Sissy Spacek commits her crime is just plain idiotic and not funny at all. 2) The scene where Diane Keaton and Sissy Spacek laugh uncontrollably as they tell Jessica Lange that old granddaddy is in a coma, is appalling and a disaster. What were they thinking? No one behaves like the characters do in those scenes, and being a comedy isn’t an excuse.

 

Part of my problem with the film is probably personal taste. There are plenty of fine female-oriented films out there (“Places in the Heart”, “Untamed Heart”, even “Beaches” and “Ghost”), but then there’s the likes of “Steel Magnolias” where you really need a set of ovaries to enjoy the film. This film is somewhat in that latter category and even then just a really bad film. There’s too much noisy, shrill chatter by actresses unwisely adopting fake accents, for me to tolerate this. And the story is idiotic anyway. Case in point: In one scene, a grown-arse woman played by a miscast Diane Keaton is having a shrieking fit because Jessica Lange has half-eaten all of her chocolates. 10 minutes later, she’s having the exact same fit to Lange’s face. For fuck’s sake, will these women either get laid or shut the hell up? Joking of course, but still…no, I wasn’t on this film’s wavelength. Borderline middle-aged women screaming over a box of chocolates? Keaton’s character comes across as intellectually disabled and yet she’s meant to be the sane and sensible one!

 

The best performances by far come from veteran Hurd Hatfield and Sam Shepard. The latter is a tad oddball with his godawful crooked teeth, but gives one of the only ‘normal’ and least irritating performances in the film. Even Tess Harper’s Oscar nominated performance didn’t thrill me. I see why she gets praise for it, and her Madeleine Sherwood-esque  character (think ‘Sister Woman’ in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”) is clearly meant to annoy, but why the nomination for such a small role? But at the end of the day, it’s the central trio of respected actors who fail miserably here, Keaton especially (She botches a Southern accent spectacularly), though Lange’s shouting grates too. All three of the actresses seem way too old to be playing such shrill, immature ninnies. Spacek even chews gum for cryin’ out loud. Geez, lady, why not wear your hair in pigtails while you’re at it? (Speaking of haircuts, Lange and Harper sport truly, truly embarrassing ones).

 

What a false and irritating film! This is a terrible film that is like spending two hours with three Scarlett O’Hara’s, with Diane Keaton in particular choosing to play Scarlett as a brain-damaged toddler. Fans of “Steel Magnolias” will probably like it…you freaks. I detested this skin rash of a film and I thought my ears were going to bleed by the end of it. Proof that pedigree alone doesn’t mean a damn thing.

 

Rating: D