Review: Snakehead Swamp

Dave Davis is still moping about the fact that his favourite girl has just gotten married, when his friend (and obvious soul mate) Ayla Kell suggests he join her on a boat trip with some friends…and her dipshit boyfriend Ian (Ross Britz). Davis’ ranger mother Terri Garber doesn’t much like the idea, but Davis goes nonetheless. Some giant snakehead fish attack, which might be the result of a science experiment gone amok, or if you listen to local voodoo-babbling William Boudreaux (Antonio ‘Huggy Bear’ Fargas!), it’s because of a curse on the swamp put there by his voodoo priestess ancestor. Either way, scantily clad chicks with big boobs are on the menu.

A B-movie veteran at the helm and a blaxploitation favourite in the supporting cast aren’t enough to make this 2014 SyFy flick much better than the norm. Directed and shot by Don E. FauntLeRoy (helmer of three Seagal films; “Today You Die”, “Mercenary for Justice” and “Urban Justice”- the first and last being kinda OK) and scripted by Greg Mitchell (the terrible SyFy flick “Zombie Shark”), it’s mostly better-looking than most SyFy films but pretty boring and slow-moving. I say ‘mostly’ because for some stupid reason FauntLeRoy (who also expertly shot “Jeepers Creepers” for Victor Salva) has decided to give us a little ‘snakehead-vision’ POV shot every once in a while, and it looks terrible. Still, the scenery is absolutely gorgeous and the lighting is exemplary for a SyFy film. It’s also nice and gory at times, which I appreciated.

Some of the acting is well above this sort of thing, but Fargas is wasted in a mixture of ‘Crazy Ralph’ and ‘Local voodoo expert ethnic stereotype’ role that is far beneath his talents. Basically his job is to just stand there and look worried the whole time. The worst actress by far is Terri Garber, who I like to call Butch Ranger Stacey. She’s appalling, and I was shocked to learn that she’s a soap opera veteran. Oh, there’s plenty of bad soap actors, but they usually aren’t the veterans. The only character who stands out is Ian (Ross Britz), AKA The Worst Human Being since Adolf Hitler. He’s a dickhead of the highest order. The film could’ve used a lot more from that machine-gun packing grandma (the perfectly named Peaches Davis) if you ask me, why wasn’t the film about her? Most of the girls are pretty forgettable, except for the chick with the gigantic rack, who of course is the first to bite it, because FauntLeRoy and Mitchell don’t want anyone to have fun. At least she wears a bikini, though, there’s one chick who wears a one-piece lingerie outfit. To go swimming. In a fucking swamp. That shit looks expensive and you’re gonna go for a dip in that brown muck? What a moron and a prude. What 25 year-old with a hot bod would wear a one-piece for cryin’ out loud? Then again, we’re talking about youngsters dumb enough to go swimming in a swamp. No one swims in a brown swamp. No, not even swamp people.

As for the title creatures, they are basically just piranha. They look pretty terrible, but at least they look more rubbery than shitty SyFy-budget CGI. They probably are CGI, mind you (everyone else is saying it’s CGI), but don’t look like it to me. That’s not to say, the FX are good, like I said, they look terrible, they just look like puppets is all.

There’s not much Mr. FauntLeRoy can do to lift this standard SyFy monster flick out of the muck, but it’s not the worst of the lot at least (It’s no “Frankenfish”, thankfully). Some terrific lighting, a couple of tolerable performances, and one perfectly punchable character in support. But next time, can we keep the hottest girl around for a bit longer?

Rating: C