Review: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Whilst warrior Bard (Luke Evans) takes on the dragon Smaug (voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch), dwarf leader Thorin (Richard Armitage) appears to be losing his mind all of a sudden, becoming deeply suspicious of everyone around him and accusing them of taking something called the Arkenstone, found amongst Smaug’s collection of riches. He has himself and the other dwarves (as well as hobbit Bilbo, played by Martin Freeman) holed up inside a mountain. This decision and a refusal to speak with the people of Lake Town and the Elves led by King Thranduil (Lee Pace), causes tensions to boil over into possible military conflict. Meanwhile, an army of orcs is headed in their direction too. Billy Connolly turns up as Dain, Thorin’s not terribly even-tempered cousin.

 

Ultimate proof that this series really ought to have just been turned into one long-ish film, this 2014 third and final film in the trilogy of films based on JRR Tolkien’s book has practically no plot at all. Director Peter Jackson (“Brain Dead”, “The Frighteners”) and co-writers Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens (Jackson’s “Lord of the Rings” cohorts), and Guillermo Del Toro (director of “Pan’s Labyrinth”, “Hellboy”, and “Pacific Rim”) give us yet another film that with years of hindsight, I think Jackson will be rather embarrassed about (And if you’ve read or viewed the interviews, Jackson is already fessing up to some of reasons for the disappointing output as of late 2015). Worse than “The Desolation of Smaug”, this one gets bogged down for far too long with Thorin’s rather boring descent into madness, making the film awfully static. Sure, it gives the frankly boring Thorin half a personality this time, but it’s just not a very interesting half, not helped by the uninteresting Richard Armitage. Shocking for a final film, there’s just not much story here. You’ve got Thorin’s madness and a big battle sequence, and that’s it, really. I mean, at least the first “Matrix” film was pretty terrific (the second one being a repetitive, empty turd), and Jackson knocked it out of the park three times with “Lord of the Rings”, but these films? Not one worth seeing. Meanwhile, appearances by Galadriel, Saruman, Gandalf, and Elrond only serve to remind you how awesome the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy was, whilst seeing Orlando Bloom’s Legolas merely has you perplexed that his character clearly looks older, not younger than he did in the “Lord of the Rings” films. I’m not sure what could’ve been done there, and it’s probably not Bloom’s fault, but it’s undeniably distracting. Speaking of old, can I just point out that the late great Sir Christopher Lee was 92 when this film (his last film, I believe) was released? The man was just amazingly durable.

 

A lot of the film is actually just really shoddy, especially the visuals, a strength of the earlier trilogy but a massive issue in all three films in “The Hobbit” trilogy (in particular the first film). I was immediately struck here by how much it looks like people backed by CGI surrounds, via green screen. And it is, of course (“Lord of the Rings” didn’t use nearly as much CGI, in comparison). It looks so obviously fake, largely because Jackson can’t do these films with the same technology and methods he used for “Lord of the Rings” due to his idiotic obsession with 3D. Years from now, when 3D is once again seen as an outdated fad (hopefully even sooner than that if you ask me), he’s going to feel like a right idiot, not to mention the ridiculously short amount of time he allowed for everyone to work on these three films. In just the opening three minutes, this one comes off as the fakest-looking of the trilogy, like 1991 ‘blue screen’ technology, not 2014 ‘green screen’ technology. Admittedly, Smaug (who appears early here) looks like a special effect from the last few years, and Benedict Cumberbatch is much better this time around too. However, Jackson’s insistence on making all the dwarves look distinct from one another (whether accurate to the text or not), combined with the inability to use ‘Forced Perspective’ in 3D continues to make some of these dwarves look like shrunken full-sized humans (i.e. The make-up job is just piss-poor), or in some cases look like normal-sized humans who are merely kneeling. ‘Forced Perspective’ is cinematic magic, 3D and the tactics Jackson has had to rely on because of it, serve to reveal the puppeteers with their hands up Kermit’s arse. For a fantasy film, that’s fatal because you are completely taken out of the experience. I wasn’t very engaged in this film, certainly not consistently so. One technical aspect that I found distracting that may not have been able to be helped concerns the great Scottish comedian Billy Connolly. It felt like to me that his trademark voice was disembodied from his character, and I found it strangely difficult to locate his character on screen at times. In one scene he looks so smooth and touched up that I feel CGI had to have been heavily involved, rather than makeup. In fact, I’d be surprised if there was very much Connolly on screen at all. However, Mr. Jackson may have had his hands tied, given Connolly’s recent health struggles. Perhaps the makeup and costuming (and maybe even the task of physically performing the part) would’ve been too much for Connolly without some CG aid. So all I’ll say about Mr. Connolly here is that he’s the only person in the entire film who brings any life whatsoever to his portrayal, even if he’s way too recognisable in voice for some people’s comfort. I personally don’t give a shit, I just love the guy and have nothing bad to say about him. There’s definitely way too much reliance on CGI in the big final battle, all that armour makes it far too easy for filmmakers to get lazy and turn on their PCs. It’s poorly done though, which is the problem. It looks pre-“Lord of the Rings” in quality for sure. One thing that is an improvement over the previous two films is Lee Pace’s characterisation of Thranduil, which has a bit more nuance this time out where previously he has seemed far too villainous, due to the somewhat heavy-handed portrayal by Pace. I think he’s gotten it just about right this time. The best thing in the film is the brilliant, Danny Elfman-esque music score by Howard Shore, the closest this film actually gets to replicating anything that worked in the “Lord of the Rings” films.

 

I wasn’t very interested or engaged in this entire trilogy, and that’s certainly the case with this final entry. There’s just not nearly enough story for a trilogy of 2+ hours films, and this time out Jackson seems to be working with barely any story at all (though I’ve heard he left large chunks of this particular part of the story out, focussing mostly on the battle which was apparently only one chapter). Wholly underwhelming and disappointing, you can certainly tell Jackson had less time to work on these films than the earlier trilogy. Can we just pretend that these three films never happened and go watch “Lord of the Rings” again instead? Are we all cool with that?

 

Rating: C