Review: Armageddon

A giant asteroid has been discovered headed for Earth, and in all likelihood, if it hits, the asteroid will win. NASA administrator Dan Truman (Billy Bob Thornton) has the idea to hire Harry Stamper (Bruce Willis) and his team of oil riggers, train them to go into orbit, land on the asteroid (!) in order to do their thing drilling to the core so that a nuclear weapon can be stuffed in it and detonated. The asteroid will split in two and neither part will make it to Earth. That’s the plan, at least. Meanwhile, Stamper’s daughter Grace has been seeing driller A.J. (Ben Affleck) behind Harry’s back, and Harry’s not remotely happy about that. The rest of Harry’s rowdy team are played by Steve Buscemi (a gambling addict and sleazeoid), Michael Clarke Duncan, Owen Wilson (as a cowboy who becomes a ‘space cowboy’), Will Patton (as a divorcee with a kid who doesn’t know him), and Ken Campbell. Jason Isaacs plays a NASA science guy, William Fichtner is an a-hole legit astronaut, Peter Stormare is a loopy cosmonaut, Judith Hoag is Patton’s ex-wife, and Eddie Griffin was hopefully well-paid for his 30 seconds as ‘black guy gon’ die first even though this isn’t a horror movie’.

 

Of the two asteroid movies from 1998, this big ‘ol mess of dumb arse from director Michael Bay (“Bad Boys”, “The Rock”, the “Transformers” franchise) falls well, well short of the clichéd, but much more humanistic “Deep Impact”. There’s some big-arse names in this one, especially the cast: Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Billy Bob Thornton, Draco Malfoy (Jason Isaacs), Mr. Cooper (Mark Curry) playing a cabbie, and Chuck Heston narrates the bloody thing. With the screenplay being written by Jonathan Hensleigh (“Jumanji”, “Die Hard With a Vengeance”), J.J. Abrams (creator of TV’s “Lost” and director of the current cinematic incarnations of “Star Wars” and “Star Trek”), Tony Gilroy (writer-director of “Duplicity” and “Michael Clayton”), and Shane Salerno (who co-wrote the “Shaft” remake), and with Gale Ann Hurd (“The Terminator”, “Aliens”) and Jerry Bruckheimer (“Beverly Hills Cop”, “Top Gun”, “The Rock”) producing it, you’d think the film would be a lot worthier than it is. Sadly, it’s the least urgent crisis Earth has ever faced, thanks to Bay’s dumb arse, over-extended, overly jocular, and snail’s pace approach. The end of the world is apparently approaching, and yet the mission to avert disaster only commences one hour into the film! Then when it does finally properly start, you realise Bay and his screenwriters haven’t got a clue what to do. So the sweet and lovely Liv Tyler’s role simply becomes to react, shout and cry, and the mission itself plays out absolutely tediously. Sure, all the lead up was time-wasting, but the rest is incredibly dull! It’s really quite a poor film all-round. I said that the film is far too jocular, but the comedy itself isn’t actually bad. It’s just that there’s too much of it and it isn’t necessary. It ends up ruining the seriousness and urgency of the situation, and I think that might be a big part of the reason why the mission scenes are so dull: I no longer gave a fuck.

 

Charlton Heston is the absolute right guy to be narrating the opening of this film, great voice and a perfect decision. The subsequent idiotic titles design that explode and fly around the screen are incredibly stupid, however. The opening sequence is effectively ridiculous Irwin Allen-esque disaster movie stuff. In fact, anytime the film does focus on the devastation and destruction- which is all too rare- it’s on sure footing. Bay knows how to ‘splode stuff real good, and he gets in early too. Then the film takes a fucking nap for an hour while the cast yap, yuk it up, and play with animal crackers (in one of the worst romantic scenes of all-time). The 18 day deadline to Armageddon may only be about two hours of screen time, but it feels like an eternity whilst everyone dicks around and Bay shoots military hardware at sunset shots Ad nauseum. The guy has too much of a boner for military hardware and training sequences. It’s what killed “Top Gun” and is even worse here. And don’t even get me started on Liv Tyler having a big-arse American flag behind her as the shuttle takes off. Ugh, it’s almost (but not quite) as bad as the damn animal crackers love scene with Affleck. Speaking of pretentious (not to mention uber-macho), the film lays it on way too thick about these roughneck drillers. Blue-collar work is entirely necessary and worthy, but the film’s portrayal of these guys as big heroes (even before they go into space) as essentially ‘the best of the best of the rest of what’s left’ is overkill. Painting Willis’ particular team as the one and only group of guys capable of this job is, even for a made-up disaster film, absurd to infinity and beyond. The macho roll-call scene here was previously done a lot more entertainingly in “Con Air”, though it’s always nice to see Shawnee Smith.

 

I’m not going to deny that Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler, and Ben Affleck are somewhat well-cast, however it’s a complete waste of the talents of the latter two in particular. Ben Affleck has been used very effectively in movies over the years (“Boiler Room”, “Changing Lanes”, “Good Will Hunting”, “Gone Girl”, the underrated “The Sum of All Fears”), but playing the callow young romantic lead here just isn’t worth his time or effort, and he certainly doesn’t give it his best. I’ve never understood the hate for Ben Affleck, but he’s insanely annoying in this. Affleck can do much more than play a simple Himbo like this, and the character arc for these three characters is an eye-roller. Apparently the romantic subplot is the uncredited work of Scott Rosenberg (“Beautiful Girls”, “Con Air”, “High Fidelity”), who really ought to know better. Also annoying is Steve Buscemi. Part of it is his deliberately annoying character who starts to lose his mind. However, it’s mostly just that as much as I love the guy, Steve Buscemi doesn’t belong here. I know he’s a former fireman and he returned to duty on 9/11, but I don’t much buy him as a roughneck, and I sure as shit don’t buy him as a roughneck who gets to go into space. In a stupid movie with no credibility, Buscemi gives it even less. In fact, the late Michael Clarke Duncan seems more plausible, and I’m still not sure how they found a spacesuit to fit the guy! That was one big dude right there.

 

The only one who brings any genuine credibility and seriousness to the film is Billy Bob Thornton in the rather functionary role of a NASA Executive Director, who hires Willis’ team. He deserves way better than he’s given, and is the only one here who seems to realise that there’s a potentially world-ending disaster at hand. He effortlessly walks off with the whole film simply by not being corny. That’s especially amazing given he apparently did the film for the money. Meanwhile, Peter Stormare turns up as a Russian cosmonaut and plays him exactly as you’d expect. Since the film already has too much comic relief, what it really needs is Serious Relief (i.e. Drama). Instead we get Udo Kier as a bemused shrink during a cute but completely time-wasting psych/medical exam sequence. Owen Wilson is alternately amusing and annoying (and very Owen Wilson), but Grace Zabriskie has an amusing early cameo, and I did get a laugh out of baritone Michael Clarke Duncan singing ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’. Like I said, there’s just too much comedy at the expense of drama and tension.

 

It’s also loud, seriously loud. Obnoxious, actually, and one of the loudest movies you’ll ever see (along with “Batman Forever”). Having said that, next to Billy Bob Thornton, the best thing about the film is its kick-arse, if random soundtrack. Forget Aerosmith’s wet, pop-rock power ballad ‘Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’, they also play ‘Sweet Emotion’, and we also get Curtis Mayfield’s ‘Pusher Man’ during a scene that it makes no sense to play such a song (during the riggers’ medical exams), but who cares? It’s a great song, and there’s other fine songs throughout, too.

 

Y’know, if Bay ever got himself a really good screenplay, he might one day make a terrific film. “Pain & Gain” wasn’t bad, and although his imagery can be frequently eye-rolling, he certainly can paint a pretty picture, and does so here on occasion. However, most of his films have awful screenplays and are in dire need of an editor, and that’s certainly the case with this one. The devastation and destruction is fun, but there’s not enough of it in a film that has way too much of everything else except good screenwriting. A big, dumb, long (too long) and slow film that torpedoes its own story by failing to take a damn thing seriously or hurry the hell up. Kinda like “The Rock” really, but thankfully free of Nic Cage.  

 

Rating: C