Review: Kidnapping Mr. Heineken

Beginning in 1983, this is the true story of the kidnapping of wealthy Dutch brewery owner Alfred Heineken (Sir Anthony Hopkins). Cor Van Hout (Jim Sturgess) is the leader, whose own father was a former employee of Heineken. Along with his buddies (played by Sam Worthington, Ryan Kwanten, Thomas Cocquerel, and Mark van Eeuwen), Cor (whose wife is pregnant), is seriously strapped for cash at the present. Failed businessmen, they are refused a loan by the bank. So of course the natural thing to do when you have no money is to rob a bank, which in turn is just to finance their real intended crime: Kidnapping Heineken (and his chauffeur) and asking for a huge ransom in a note they send to the local police station. Unfortunately, the police seem strangely slow to act on the ransom note, and the kidnappers get panicky. Why haven’t they heard from them yet? Heineken, by the way, is rather amused (or bemused?) by his not-so brilliant captors (who accidentally leave the ransom note in the fucking photo copier!), and begins making demands whilst held prisoner.

 

Based on the true crime story depicted in the book by Peter de Vries (who wasn’t happy with the film), this is a disappointing 2015 flick from Swedish director Daniel Alfredson (director of the original “The Girl Who Played With Fire” and “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest”) and screenwriter William Brookfield (“Rough Magic” with Russell Crowe). The character depth is lacking, it’s horribly shot, and there’s the odd decision to allow its mostly British and Australian main cast to keep their own accents playing Dutch characters. That’s either idiotic casting or lazy-arse acting that really does hurt the credibility of the film, given you don’t actually know early on where the film is taking place. It cracked me up when the kidnappers worried about the authorities figuring out that locals were behind the crime, given only one of the actors (Mark van Eeuwen) sounded like a ‘local’. Casting genuine Dutch actors in smaller roles only serves to make the ringers stand out like sore thumbs even more. That was just one of several elements that failed to convince me.

 

I mean, these guys as depicted here turn into pretty big-time criminals way too quickly for me. Sure, we see them committing a crime early on (and I’ve read that they were indeed ex-cons by the time these events start, but you don’t get much of a sense of that here), but there’s a big difference between that crime and the big-time kidnapping they undertake here. They seem to take to using guns awfully well for characters whom we have no indication of having previous experience with firearms. They’re attempting to make their actions look more ‘organised’ and professional than they really are, in order to send the wrong message to the cops. I get that, but it didn’t wash with me that these guys were even capable of such things (Unless I completely blacked out during the film at some point? I doubt it). When we see read information about their fates at the end of the film, it’s even more of a head-scratcher. These guys (who are about as likeable as they are interesting- not much) aren’t depicted as competent enough in my view to make me actually believe all of this happened, let alone the direction at least two of them took after these events happened. It’s ‘based on a true story’, but that means nothing if the filmmakers fail to make you believe it is true. These guys seemed like a Dutch version of the twit criminals Christopher Walken made psychological mincemeat out of in “Suicide Kings” (Oh, if only this film had a bit of wit to it!).

 

I like a good heist movie, and the true story is indeed pretty interesting (the fascinating info given at the end could’ve made its own film), but this is a frustrating film. In fact, the one stand out element in the film is the terrific performance by the often lazy Sir Anthony Hopkins. When he’s on his game as he is here, everyone else can be made to seem invisible. Sure, he fails to sound anything other than Welsh, but he’s clearly enjoying himself and when Anthony Hopkins enjoys himself, it’s infectious. As for the others, Jim Sturgess is boring and he looks ricockulous with dyed blonde hair, Ryan Kwanten makes zero impression at all, but Sam Worthington is at least decent, even if he sounds ridiculously non-Dutch. Cinematographer Fredrik Backar (who has mostly worked on short films) fails to do his job, as many scenes are too dark to see a damn thing. It has been horribly under-lit.

 

Little mistakes add up to a frustratingly unsatisfying whole. The true story has merit, Anthony Hopkins is terrific, but I failed to be entirely convinced by this film. It only works in fits and starts.

 

Rating: C+