Review: Barely Lethal

Oscar-nominated actress Hailee Steinfeld plays a 16 year-old orphan raised to be an assassin at a secret academy headed by Samuel L. Jackson. Steinfeld, however just wants to be a normal girl and sees her chance to escape when tackling bitchy super-crim Jessica Alba. Faking her own death, Steinfeld pretends to be a Canadian exchange student, moves in with Rachael Harris and daughter Dove Cameron, and enrolls in high school. She has a bit of trouble navigating the social order and etiquette that comes with being a ‘normal’ high-schooler, and things get even tougher when another teen assassin (Sophie Turner, which an almost convincing American accent) turns up pretty much just to stir shit up for Steinfeld. She’ll also be in mega-shit when Jackson finally tracks her down. Rob Huebel plays a dorky parent, whilst Dan Fogler plays a dorky and frankly creepy teacher.

Misguided, useless 2015 film from director Kyle Newman (the not-bad “Star Wars” fan comedy “Fanboys”) and screenwriter John D’Arco (his first feature length screenwriting effort) who clearly wanted to rip-off “Kingsman: The Secret Service” but cut down of all its adult content to get a PG-13 rating in the US so that they could get even more people through the door. Unfortunately, not only is that a cynical piece of shit reason for making a film, but they haven’t even done it well. It’s an awkward mixture of content that’s just a tad too adult for the PG-13 crowd wrapped in a pretty pink punk-pop Nickelodeon TV show bow. I’m not shocked that the filmmakers won an appeal to get an R-rating downgraded without making any cuts. How did this get an R in the US in the first place? It’s 98% fairy floss.

Despite having a clearly subversive/dirty title (Get it, ‘Barely Legal/Lethal’?), for the most part this is about as controversial as “Glee”. The teenagers sing on “Glee”. Willingly. I mean, it’s about a deadly assassin who, like, wants to be a normal, like, teenager, and like, go to the mall and have an ice cream soda. Whatever the fuck that is. No one over the age of 15 and in possession of their own mental faculties would want to see this neutered crap, it’s kids’ stuff with an assassin shoe-horned in awkwardly. And are the same people who know who K$sha (did I spell that one right, kids? Wait, I don’t give a fuck…) is gonna know what a ‘donkey punch’ is? Yeah, the film references donkey punches at one point. It’s completely useless, neither one thing nor another and it won’t please anyone.

It’s also really badly done. There’s a large chunk of plot that seems to be missing (How did she set up her escape and the exchange student thing? Did I blink? We see her escape and then she’s with her new family), and we only find out after 19 minutes that she’s pretending to be a Canadian (Eh?) exchange student. It’s very sloppily done, though I’ll admit the douchy student reaction to her arrival is a cute ten second moment. Otherwise, this is just horrible, a bubble wrapped in rainbow inside of a Hello Kitty purse. I mean, as much as Hailee Steinfeld isn’t terrible in the role, her character is made to act not like a child assassin but an alien from outer space. Sure, she’s been sheltered, but she reacts to the social conventions of being a teenager like she’s from another galaxy. It’s cornball, even home-schooled kids wouldn’t be this clueless. The nadir is probably a pop-punk cover version of Joan Jett’s ‘Bad Reputation’. I’ve never considered Jett that much more than a pop-rock artist myself, but like P!nk, she is at least believable when singing such tough girl lyrics, as she has authenticity. Whoever sings this version, though, has probably never even skipped class to like, totally go to the mall.

The actors can’t be blamed here, in fact Samuel L. Jackson and particularly Jessica Alba are surprisingly good. Jackson is perfectly cast in a Harry Andrews kinda role, and Alba’s smart arse villainess is fun for the few moments she’s around. Lead actress Hailee Steinfeld and Sophie Turner are just OK, and the charismatic Rachael Harris is poorly used. In fact, the only actor who does deserve a bit of a bolloxing here is Dan Fogler, who embarrasses himself.

“Hannah Montana” meets “Kingsman: The Secret Service” (or perhaps “Hannah Montana” meets “Hanna”) is what this amounts to. This is a wholly misjudged and botched motion picture that will not play to any audience terribly successfully. It’s the pits, and even as a teen movie, it’s probably one of the worst in years.

Rating: D-