Review: The Last American Virgin

Slightly awkward rather average teen Lawrence Monoson is obsessed with losing his virginity, and is even more obsessed with the pretty Diane Franklin (also a virgin). Unfortunately, while he tentatively begins to woo her, his more assured buddy Steve Antin goes for the direct approach and beats him to the punch, as he and Franklin begin dating while Monoson looks on forlorn and mopey. Meanwhile the trio (which also includes chubby party animal Joe Rubbo) try all manner of ways to ‘get laid’, ranging from seducing a trio of girls with promises of drugs, an encounter with a horny Spanish woman (Louisa Moritz), and even hiring a creepy hooker. Of course, Antin’s complicitness in all this debauchery just further proves his unworthiness to have Franklin, making Monoson even angrier and sadder about it all. But when Franklin ends up in an unfortunate position that causes Antin to want nothing to do with her, Monoson has his chance to show her his true feelings and intentions.

 

Never judge a book by its cover, and never judge a movie by its production company/distributor. Who would’ve thought that the team of Golan-Globus (AKA The Cannon Group), the company behind just about every shitty Chuck Norris movie ever made, would come out with one of the best teen sex comedies of the 1980s? (Interestingly, Cannon would also later release the dreadful “Hot Chili” co-starring Rubbo and Moritz in yet more horny teen hijinks). Hell, even the plot synopsis makes the film sound thoroughly unpleasant and lame.

 

Well, colour me surprised, this 1982 Boaz Davidson teen comedy (an Americanisation of an Israeli comedy by Davidson) is both funny and painfully honest. It’s pretty cheaply made and unevenly acted, but it’s often very funny and the ending is still a kick in the guts to this day. It’s the only teen sex comedy I’ve seen where I’ve really felt like crap afterwards, but not because of the film’s quality, rather a direct response to the film’s finale. This ain’t no “Porky’s” or “Screwballs”, this one’s got some substance, if lacking in polish.

 

Moritz is hilarious as a Spanish floozy, and Monoson is suitably sympathetic in the lead (you might remember him as the best friend of Eric Stoltz in “Mask”), whilst never being overtly geeky in a “Revenge of the Nerds” kind of way. I could’ve done without the “Porky’s”-esque locker room ‘peephole’ scene which just seems too familiar, but more often than not, the laughs are there aplenty. There’s a particularly funny scene involving Rubbo inadvertently ending up in bed with Monoson’s parents which is quite well-timed, comedically, despite being nothing new. The whole lead-up is pretty damn funny, actually, as the three protagonists attempt to get into a trio of girls’ pants by promising them cocaine, which in reality, is sugar. Trust me, it’s funnier than it sounds, and decidedly not PC. There’s also a group session with an actually pretty seedy hooker involving unprotected sex that is pretty damn startling, and clearly wouldn’t fly today. It does lead to a couple of very funny scenes shortly after involving...well, crabs. However, there’s also an inherent sadness to the scene that only gets sadder the more you think about it, in lieu of the title. Like I said, it wouldn’t make it into a film today, but this was 1982, much more care-free and reckless days.

 

It’s because of the film’s comedic beginnings that the finale hits so hard. I don’t know if the film has the perfect mix, exactly, but it’s a ballsy move to even try it, and the ending is unheard of in teen sex comedies. Speaking of ballsy, although it’s rather strange to find the clearly too-cool Antin to be hanging around with Monoson and Rubbo, it’s definitely brave to have at least one of the three protagonists be such an utter prick and commit a total ‘dog’ act against one of his so-called mates. And yet he’s also given a smidgen of sympathy in that he is faced with decisions towards the end that (whilst he proves to be a total coward about them) are pretty tough things for such a young man to have to face. The soundtrack of popular rock and pop hits is perhaps a little indulgent, but the songs are truly first-rate, including; “Keep on Lovin’ You” by REO Speedwagon, “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da” by The Police, “Are You Ready for the Sex Girls” by Gleaming Spires (also memorably featured in my favourite teen sex comedy “Revenge of the Nerds”), “Whip It” by Devo, “Open Arms” by Journey (which still gets me misty-eyed, damnit!), “Just Once” by James Ingram (which will get you misty-eyed due to its placement in the film) “I Will Follow” by U2, and many, many others.

 

It’s a real shame the film didn’t have the necessary funds to give it all a bit more polish (too much money spent on getting the music rights?), this might’ve been the 80s version of “American Graffiti” (In fact, Davidson’s Israeli original is indeed set in the 50s). At any rate, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of most in the genre, if not quite at the pinnacle of “Revenge of the Nerds” (which I still say is infinitely superior to the similar “Animal House”). It’s about on par with “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”, and tonally similar to that critically popular film as well. In fact, this film might prove pretty damn instructional for horny youngsters, letting them know about the life-altering consequences of their actions, but wrapped in an entertaining and crude comedy format. This film might scare them off ‘losing it’ for quite a long time, hell it might make you suspicious of anything going on between your buddies and your best girl. Screenplay by the director, check it out if you want a teen sex comedy that delivers a dose of harsh reality at the end. And it’s from Cannon! Well, wonders will never cease...

 

Rating: B