Review: The Celestine Prophecy

Primary school history teacher Matthew Settle is having a rough trot when an old acquaintance (Robyn Cohen) clues him in on some weird spiritual trip going on in Peru. Settle, who has been having mysterious dreams lately, decides to go, and finds himself (can you say spiritual awakening?) amidst a bunch of hippie-like zombies who crap on and on about ‘energies’ and other such non-descriptive terms, as well as talk of a series of ancient scrolls. Chief among them are Thomas Kretschmann (a sort of spiritual Indiana Jones), Annabeth Gish (as a translator), Obba Babatunde (the token black dude, to show this hippy spiritual group down wit’ the black peeps, ‘yo!), Joaquim de Almeida (not playing an ethnic villain for once) and Sarah Wayne Callies. Hector Elizondo is a Roman Catholic Cardinal, connected to some government officials hell-bent on destroying the scrolls (in a subplot that might’ve been interesting elsewhere). Apparently the scrolls are meant to offer ‘insights’ leading us to the next stage of evolution, and let’s just say that this has the film’s baddies really, really worried (Jurgen Prochnow plays the chief enforcer of evil, by the way).

 

Supremely stupid, phony 2006 Armand Mastroianni-directed (who made the OK slasher pic “He Knows You’re Alone” way back in 1981) adaptation of a supposedly fascinating James Redfield bestseller. I haven’t read it, and most likely won’t. So sue me, or damn me to the fiery pits of Hell (Just don’t fuck with my energies, OK?). The sometimes hilariously awful screenplay by Barnet Bain (the gorgeous but equally sappy spiritual bore “What Dreams May Come”), Dan Gordon (“Murder in the First”, “Wyatt Earp”), and Redfield himself (and its apparently mostly faithful), leaves the talented cast no chance at all.

 

Annabeth Gish, one of my personal favourite actresses (and the love of my life- I’m so glad she’s getting both work and recognition, particularly on TV), is unfortunately encouraged to tap into the least interesting side to her. Remember all that meditative, spiritual mumbo-jumbo whale music crap she tried to introduce Dana Scully to on “The X Files”? Multiply that by a thousand and that’s how cheesy and annoying she is here, in easily the worst performance of her career. God I feel dirty for saying that. I still, love ‘ya, Annabeth (and I still say you were underrated on “The X Files”), but you gotta stop with the airy-fairy spiritual Yoda crap already. It ain’t your best side. It wouldn’t even be the best side of anyone. The only thing that made her more convincing in the role than any of the other actors (fake-arse bible-bashing gangstas I like to call them) is simply because I know from research (i.e. Obsession and stalking) that Annabeth definitely has that side to her (though she doesn’t claim to be religious as such). Elizondo, meanwhile, is a tough sell as a shady Cardinal, and the two leads (uber-bland Settle and Callies) are astoundingly bad (Settle, especially, is completely out of his depth here). The film features some of the worst and least appropriate special FX I’ve seen outside of an Ed Wood film. Almost as bad as the FX are the irritatingly bright cinematography (akin to staring directly at the sun) and godawful pan pipe music by Nuno Malo.

 

This might work for some people, but for me, it was cheesy (the ‘enlightened’ characters are all clichéd, “Touched by an Angel” fortune cookie-types), airy-fairy nonsense that gives religion a bad name. And I’m an atheist! Go do some yoga or something, OK?

 

Rating: D