Review: Bridge to Nowhere

Bunch of neighbourhood buddies going nowhere in the mean streets of Pittsburgh are talked into getting into the pimping business by the wannabe criminal entrepreneur of the group, Ben Crowley. Thomas Ian Nicholas, the smart one of the group opts out in favour of getting an education (What a moron! What a crazy notion!), but the others (including the seemingly intelligent Danny Masterson, but also Daniel London and Sean Derry) go along with it. They manage to get themselves a couple of willing ho’s (Bijou Phillips and Alexandra Breckenridge), but as they are junkies, the guys need to keep them on the junk. This leads them to the intimidating Ving Rhames, as their drug supplier. Things go pretty well at first, and Crowley is spending up big, living the high life. But then it all starts to bottom out, beginning with one dead hooker, and one of the young men in jail.

 

This 2009 Gen-Y indie crime pic is a strange choice for African-American actor Blair Underwood to be making his directorial debut. I’m stumped as to what attracted him to this crummy material. The screenplay by Chris Gutierrez (a debutant whose regular profession is an odd one- ‘set medic’) is an uninspired rip-off of every crime flick of the last few decades, with heavy doses of Brian De Palma’s “Scarface”. The most infamous line is mentioned here, and one of the characters attempts to re-enact the climax of said Al Pacino cult favourite. It’s terribly clichéd stuff (and done a fair bit better in “Alpha Dog” anyway), but more importantly, it’s so overblown that it becomes utterly ridiculous. Imagine an entire film that played like the last 20 minutes of “Goodfellas”, with a coked-up Ray Liotta frenzying up a storm. It worked in those 20 minutes and when it was Ray Liotta, not so much here when it’s 90 minutes of it and acted by lesser talents.

 

None of the characters is remotely likeable (not even Nicholas as the guy smart enough not to join in on the pimpin’ business), or terribly interesting. Crowley’s a reprehensible scumbag, the aforementioned character played by Nicholas could’ve easily been removed altogether, whilst Masterson and Derry’s characters infuriate with their serious lack of cajones. Hell, Masterson overall seems to just be making up the numbers. The girls? They barely get any opportunity to display any personality except that Breckenridge is the friendly but drug-addicted one, and Phillips is the hardened, slightly more sensible one. That’s not much more than an outline of a character, let alone anything original, interesting, or likeable.

 

Meanwhile, I just didn’t buy into the central premise. I know times are tough just about everywhere, but is pimping out some drug-addicted skanks the only answer? And even if that were the case, why would I want to watch such a thing? Although Ving Rhames (quick, someone revive the man’s career!) effortlessly walks off with the whole film by sheer presence alone (his first scene is hilarious), the other performers are not nearly as accomplished. Bijou Phillips has only ever played the same skank character in every film she’s appeared in (The not-bad remake of “It’s Alive” being an exception), the only difference being whether she plays a ‘white trash’ skank (“Havoc”, this film) or a ‘faux-hippie’ skank (“Almost Famous”). Most times the actress is incompetent and irritating, and this is one of those times. Worst of all is lead actor Ben Crowley, whose overly mannered, completely over-the-top performance is really something...and not in a good way. At times his vocal intonations are such that it appears his voice is breaking in and out like he’s going through that special stage of puberty...over and over again. Other times I felt like he was being taken over by the spirits of both Christopher Walken and Eric Roberts (odd, as they’re both still alive) who were battling it out to see who would provide his voice. Seriously, when you add the fact that this guy looks like a meaner Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block, it becomes truly inexplicable (I was looking for one of the Wahlbergs to turn up at some point. Maybe even the Funky Bunch). This is one strange dude, and what the hell kinda accent is that? For a character meant to be from Pittsburgh, he sounds somewhere in between Boston and Cajun. Crowley hadn’t done a whole lot before this film, and I’m afraid this film will likely ensure he doesn’t go on to much else. I partly blame Mr. Underwood for that, he should’ve reined him in a whole lot.

 

This is ridiculous, hyperactive nonsense and pretty damn unpleasant to boot. Don’t bother, even if you’re a Danny Masterson fan (I’m sure such weirdos exist).

 

Rating: D