Review: Stewardess School

As the title suggests, a story about a ragtag bunch of wannabe stewardesses, focussing mostly on aviation school rejects Brett Cullen and party animal Don Most. Others attending the school are bubble-headed hooker Judy Landers, token ‘chubby’ chick Wendie Jo Sperber (who really does get humiliated to no discernible comedic effect), an Amazonian former wrestler (Sandahl Bergman), and a red-and-blue haired punk (Corrine Bohrer), who is dating a big and burly biker (Dennis Burkley, natch) to her snobby parents’ (Dad is played by Dr. Silberman himself, Earl Boen) displeasure. Vicki Frederick plays the antagonistic Miss Grummet, who is in charge of schooling the cadets. Mary Cadorette plays a nice, but klutzy girl, whilst Julia (Julie) Mongomery plays a pink-clad 3^rd generation bimbo named Pimmie Polk. Rob Paulsen is the token gay steward (ess), which is weird when you consider nowadays he wouldn’t be token at all.

 

Made in 1986, released in 1987 the key indicator of this film’s quality isn’t that it was released by a major studio (Columbia Pictures). No, this blend of “Police Academy” and “Flying High” (AKA “Airplane!”) can best have its quality summed up by the fact that it has Donny ‘Ralph Malph’ Most as the second male lead. Says it all, right? Cheap, painfully unfunny flick is almost “Night Patrol” bad.

 

The cast is full of reasonably recognisable names and faces for this sort of thing, but the only ones who fail to embarrass themselves here are Vicki Frederick and maybe Julie Montgomery. Frederick gets to play somewhere in between Captain Harris and Lt. Callahan from the “Police Academy” franchise and does a fine enough job for what little it’s worth (she’s better here than in “All the Marbles”), whilst Montgomery attempts a comedic bimbo caricature that at least elicits the film’s only giggle 45 minutes in with a scene involving a little kid. Sandahl Bergman is striking and well-cast as an Amazon woman (or pretty much a female version of Hightower in the “Police Academy” films), so it’s a shame she’s such a terrible actress. Also, the wrestling fan in me has to inform you that she performs the worst Aeroplane spin and Gorilla Press of all-time. “Happy Days” ginger Most looks coked out of his gourd (no, I’m not suggesting he actually is) and farts in an elevator five minutes in. All class, this one is. It’s enough to wish for the comedic stylings of Steve Guttenberg or George Gaynes. Lead actor Brent Cullen (who is now a reasonably recognisable character actor) never gets out from behind his comedically thick glasses to distinguish himself much, I bet he looks back on this one with a bit of embarrassment. Perhaps the glasses were his way of hiding his embarrassment appearing in a film he was maybe contractually obligated to appear in. Judy Landers is certainly pneumatic but pretty one-note in a film that doesn’t even really entertain on a ‘titty flick’ level, though lead actress Mary Cadorette is kinda likeable and gorgeous to boot. Corinne Bohrer would fare better in “Police Academy 4: The One That Doesn’t Suck”, whereas here playing a supposed biker-loving punk her character loses all credibility due to her taste in music. At one point she asks ‘You got a Twisted Sister?’, yes a Twisted Sister, in order for the lame gag to work. The problem though is when she goes and puts on a tape that sound nothing like Twisted Sister, and more like generic 80s soft rock with a hint of easy listening jazz. The fuck? Two of the more familiar faces probably get the shortest end of the stick: Sherman Hemsley plays a comical blind person boarding a plane, whilst Alan Rosenberg of all people plays the crazy, wild-eyed nutjob on the plane. The talented character actor is doing a rip-off of a parody (Sonny Bono in “Flying High II: The Sequel”) that was a cliché to begin with (Van Heflin in the original “Airport”). Don’t even get me started on the token gay ‘stewardess’.

 

This sucks. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, it’s neither well-acted nor well-made on any other technical level. It was a cheap, cynical effort to cash in on the success of two types of films: the “Police Academy” franchise and “Airplane!” (“Flying High”). Written and directed by Ken Blancato (in his sole effort in either capacity, though he later produced “The Book Thief” of all things), it’s not even enjoyable on a ‘bad movie’ level, because bad comedies are like bad songs: Painful to endure and just plain lazy and uncreative.

 

Rating: D-