Review: Small Soldiers

Weapons manufacturing tycoon Denis Leary acquires a toy company and asks top designers David Cross and Jay Mohr to impress him, he wants toys that actually do what the commercials say they do. Cross comes up with a line of peaceful monsters called Gorgonites that also give kids an opportunity to learn. Ambitious arse-kisser Mohr, however plays more to Leary’s sensibilities in coming up with the Elite Commando line of toys, your typical uber-violent soldier toys. Leary approves of both, figuring that the dorky Gorgonite toys can be used as cannon fodder for the Elite Commando toys. What he doesn’t know, though, is that Mohr has gone the extra mile in installing real computer chips from Leary’s weapons manufacturing company, into the Elite Commando toys. Yeah, that’s not gonna cause problems.

Gregory Smith plays a young teenager whose father (Kevin Dunn) owns a mostly antique toy shop. In charge of the shop for the day, Smith manages to get some of the Elite Commando and Gorgonite toys off delivery guy Dick Miller. He soon discovers that they have artificial intelligence and come to ‘life’. The lead Gorgonite named Archer (voiced by Frank Langella) informs Smith that the Elite Commando toys, led by gruff Maj. Chip Hazard (voiced by Tommy Lee Jones) are making it their mission to obliterate the noble, if ugly Gorgonites, who they see as ‘the enemy’. Juvenile comic-action mayhem ensues. Kirsten Dunst plays a pretty local girl whom Smith befriends, Ann Magnuson is his mother, Phil Hartman is Dunst’s father. The rest of the Elite Commando soldiers are voiced by George Kennedy, Jim Brown, Ernest Borgnine, Bruce Dern, and Clint Walker. The Gorgonites are played by the members of Spinal Tap.

Joe Dante seems like an affable guy and clearly likes a lot of the same movies I do. He’s also made some either great or very good movies (“The Howling”, “Gremlins”, “Piranha”, “Innerspace”) and a few OK ones as well (“Matinee”, “Explorers”, “Gremlins 2: The New Batch”, “Looney Tunes: Back in Action”). He has made a couple of mediocre efforts here and there (“the ‘burbs”, “The Hole”) and on more than one occasion has shown a complete inability to land on a decent ending (“Explorers”, which I like, is a prime example of this). The real problem is that 1987’s “Innerspace” was the last truly memorable film he made. That was about 30 years ago, for crying out loud, and it’s the weakest of his ‘best’ films by far, if that makes any sense. Still, I always approach a Joe Dante movie hoping for at least a fun time, and he’s never made an outright awful film that I can recall. This 1998 ‘toys come to life’ flick is pretty typical Dante in that it mixes kiddie fare with just a little violent mayhem, and some obvious cinematic references for film buffs like me. It’s just that it’s not all that great. In fact it plays like a live-action, violent version of “Toy Story” when you really think about it (Or “Toy Story” crossed with “Gremlins”).

It’s a clever idea to centre a film around a toy product that supposedly do what the commercials actually promise they do. Casting a ranting, cynical Denis Leary as the toy magnate and David Cross and Jay Mohr (wearing the worst suits you’ll ever see) as his hopeless toy designers was a smart decision. All three are spot-on. Meanwhile, the late Jerry Goldsmith (“The Omen”, “Planet of the Apes”, “Star Trek: First Contact”, “Seven Days in May”) delivers his usual very fine job with the music score, perhaps the best thing in the entire film. The design of the toys, overseen by the late Stan Winston (“Aliens”, “Predator”, “Terminator 2: Judgement Day”) are effective as well, as are the ILM special FX bringing them to ‘life’.

On the voice front, cinephile Dante has cleverly hired several members of “The Dirty Dozen” cast to play some of the brutish soldier toys (Ernest Borgnine, Clint Walker, Jim Brown, and George Kennedy), along with Bruce Dern (filling in for “Dirty Dozen” cast member Richard Jaeckel, who sadly died during filming) and, as their gruff leader, Tommy Lee Jones, who makes for a thoroughly appropriate substitute for the late Lee Marvin. They’re terrific, as is Frank Langella (sounding a little Peter Cullen-esque, if you ask me) as the leader of the monstrous-looking but benevolent Gorgonite toys.

There’s some fun to be had, especially if you’re a young boy. Those who are young at heart like this 37 year-old, however, will perhaps tire of it slightly by the time of the action-packed finale. For me, I just got a little bored with the family/teen characters, who just aren’t compelling. Gregory Smith is frankly a little dull in the lead, and Kirsten Dunst’s character frankly isn’t nearly as appealing as Dante and his screenwriters probably thought she was. If you listen to her dialogue at times, she’s kind of a self-absorbed dick to Smith. At one point she says ‘Say Hi to me once in a while!’. If these were adult characters you’d be telling Smith he may as well cut off his pecker, because he’s not going to be needing it anytime soon. She’s snooty, vapid, and unattainable. Obviously these are just teenagers, but still, dude gets friendzoned almost immediately and only gets taken out of it for a happy ending that just isn’t convincing. Meanwhile, Kevin Dunn and a fatally miscast Ann Magnuson (as somebody’s mother!) just aren’t a right fit as Smith’s aloof parents. They’re too aloof to actually be credible parents of an actual human being. The late, sorely missed Phil Hartman doesn’t get a great role here, but he gives one of his better film performances nonetheless. In smaller parts, Dante brings in his usual cronies Dick Miller and Robert Picardo. Miller is his usual terrific one-scene wonder, and Picardo is priceless as an uptight, sneezing dork in a radiation suit. Visibly sneezing. There’s also cute voice cameos by Sarah Michelle Gellar and Christina Ricci as deformed Barbie dolls, though even they reminded me a little too much of “Toy Story”. Cheri Oteri, probably one of the least funny people to have ever been a cast member of “SNL” (a show, remember, that also featured Chris Kattan, Chris Parnell, Colin Quinn, and Fred Armisen at various stages), has without question her finest and only funny moment ever, as the toy company’s call centre operator who sounds positively robotic, possibly psychotic.

Fun at times, typically dark and chaotic Dante stuff. It’s a bit familiar, though, and the family/teenager characters aren’t anywhere near as interesting as the toys and their makers. Another near-miss from a filmmaker who does tend to frustrate from time to time. Young boys will probably like this a lot more than most, and that is probably the intention. Watchable. The screenplay is by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio (“Treasure Planet” and the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise), Zak Penn (“Last Action Hero”, “The Avengers”), Adam Rifkin (“Zoom”, “Knucklehead”, and writer-director of “The Dark Backward”), and Gavin Scott (“The Borrowers”).

Rating: C+