Review: Fifty Shades Darker

Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) tentatively enters back into a relationship with Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), but attempts to assert herself more and make him work for it a little bit. Meanwhile, two figures from Mr. Grey’s past (played by Kim Basinger and Bella Heathcoate) turn up to provide obstacles, with Grey’s fondness for being controlling and dominant rearing its ugly head again, too. 

I’ve never read the books, and I didn’t get the first film in the slightest. It was goofy, eye-rolling, miscast, and there was absolutely no reason for the central couple to want to be together. They both wanted completely polar opposite things out of a relationship, it was fucking stupid, and here I am now having watched the second film. Perhaps I’m a bit stupid, too. This 2017 E.L. James adaptation comes from director James Foley who has done fine work in the past (“At Close Range”, “Glengarry Glen Ross”, “Confidence”), so what he thought was worth a damn here I don’t quite know. Scripted by Niall Leonard (a veteran scribe of British TV and the author’s husband, interestingly), the warning signs come early as we open with our happy couple no longer a couple and no longer happy. That makes no sense to me. You were a terrible couple. Be happy you’re free of one another. Find someone who is on your respective romantic and sexual wavelengths. Nope, not these two dumbfucks. Hey, maybe they really are both masochists after all. Or perhaps this is just shithouse storytelling. Speaking of shithouse, director Foley’s camera placement in a scene before the opening credits are even over reveals one character’s role in things well before they should. 6 minutes in and we get the least convincing art exhibit since “Nocturnal Animals”. They’re literally just blown-up photos of Dakota Johnson. Wow, that’s soooo deep. Full of ennui and shit. 7 minutes in and Mr. Grey wants Miss Steele back. Ugh. You’re into kinky shit. She’s not into kinky shit. Leave her alone and find someone that’s as messed up as you. What on Earth does Anastasia see in this guy anyway? Take out the BDSM and he’s still an absolute bastard. Does Anastasia have a thing for bastards? If so, she sucks and I have neither interest in nor sympathy for her. And what of the audience who read this shit and flocked to theatres for it? How could women like this creepy stuff? Mr. Grey is a controlling piece of human waste, he gets territorial around Anastasia’s boss, then he goes ahead and buys the company so that not only will her boss answer to him now, but he’s now got even more control over Anastasia. WHY IS SHE LETTING HIM DO THIS? A GIANT PENIS? GOOD ABS? Surely he’s not that well-hung that you’d put up with being so controlled and subservient. Any power Anastasia has over him in controlling the pace of their relationship this time is clearly superficial. 40 minutes in and she’s letting him spank her arse, so…yeah.

Even worse, this time around in addition to the misogyny and domination, the film also throws in a bunny-boiler for good measure. This is a story aimed at and loved by women. I seriously don’t understand why and I don’t think it’s because I have a penis. Less than 30 minutes in and this creepy fuck has given Anastasia half a dozen reasons to leave him. At one point he even says ‘I want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you’. It’s not romantic because it’s coming from a creepy control freak who means it in the most literal and stalker-ish sense possible. He’s creepy and sinister, she’s an idiot. Great couple. Meanwhile, only in a creepy, perverted sleazebag of a film would former “Studs” host Mark DiCarlo turn up as a news anchor. Kim Basinger turns up, presumably ‘coz “9 ½ Weeks”, but she looks dreadful and still can’t act. She won an Oscar for being the worst thing about 1997’s otherwise well-deserved Best Picture “L.A. Confidential”. If you somehow manage to make it to the end of this garbage, you’ll be treated to an absolutely hilarious cliffhanger ending like a BDSM version of “The Young and the Restless”. 

An even worse film than the first one, because the characters make even less sense here than last time. Being 2+ hours long also doesn’t help. I got zero entertainment value out of this one, it even makes for lousy softcore porn. Easily one of the worst films of the year, if you defend this, you’re creepy and perverted. Yes, you. You’re creepy and perverted. Also, check out one of the worst songs of all-time used during a sex scene here, it seemingly contains the lyrics ‘Bum bum titty bum bum’. It’s almost enough to make ‘My Humps’ sound like fucking Shakespeare (Apparently it actually says ‘Bom bidi bom bom’, but c’mon…that’s not how it sounds and it’s deliberate). A glorification, romanticisation, and sanitisation of abusive relationships. I loathed this creepy film. 

Rating: D-