Review: Once Upon a Time in Venice

Bruce Willis stars as a skateboard-riding (!) Venice Beach private detective and former LAPD detective, who we meet having bedded the hot daughter (Aussie model Jessica Gomes) of his latest client before having to make an undignified exit. The main plot kicks in when Willis pisses off a local Hispanic drug dealer thug (Jason Momoa!), who ends up messing with Willis’ family (sister-in-law Famke Janssen and her daughter) and even kidnapping the dog. The film mostly charts his attempts at getting the dog back, aided by assistant Thomas Middleditch and surfer dude pal John Goodman, who is going through a messy divorce. Christopher McDonald plays the same smug prick he always plays (a real estate smug prick this time), whilst Adam Goldberg is an uptight Jewish land developer known as ‘Lou the Jew’ (I shit you not) whose property is continually targeted by a lewd graffiti artist. Billy Gardell turns up briefly as a cop, and I have no idea what David Arquette is doing in this for ten seconds.

I’ve decided to be a glass half-full guy in discussing this 2017 direct-to-DVD outing for formerly A-level star Bruce Willis. Whilst this laidback, amiable “Ace Ventura”-ish P.I. flick from debut director Mark Cullen and his co-writer Robb Cullen is pretty forgettable stuff it also marks the most committed and enjoyable Bruce Willis performance I’ve come across in decades. The ironic thing being that the Cullen brothers wrote the screenplay for Willis’ infamously troubled collaboration with Kevin Smith, the buddy-cop flick “Cop Out”. Make of that what you will, but whatever flaws this film possesses, Willis’ performance isn’t among them and he actually helps make the thing watchable. Willis does look distressingly old and grandfatherly in this though, am I the only one noticing this? Still, the loose tone of the film and the fact that he’s got the lead role, results in him having to lighten the fuck up for once. This isn’t his greatest ever performance but he’s not just picking up a pay check here. He may…and I can’t believe I’m even saying this…he may actually be having fun here.

As for the film, it’s pretty average stuff. If this weren’t such a well-mined genre, it might’ve done more for me. But as is, this is a poor man’s “The Big Lebowski” by way of “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”, but with Bruce Willis in the lead, John Goodman as his surfer dude friend (Goodman looks absolutely despondent, and I’m not convinced it’s entirely a character choice), and Jason Momoa unconvincingly (but amiably) playing a dopey Mexican gangbanger. I half-expected Famke Janssen to reveal she was a dude-lady here. I have to admit that the sight of Bruce Willis (or at least his stunt double) on a skateboard as his sole mode of transport is genuinely cute. He even rides it naked at one point. Other than Willis though, no one really stands out aside from a very funny, completely insane walk-on by David Arquette…who may have just been walking by high as a kite during filming for all I know. Thomas Middleditch, despite providing occasional narration barely registers on screen and his character is absent for much of the film. Aussie model Jessica Gomes, meanwhile, is obviously no actress and strangely disappears entirely after a while in a case of particularly poor screenwriting. I did enjoy a funny bit involving an overly helpful and disarmingly not very tough Mexican bartender, though. Goodman, despite not looking like he wants to be there, nonetheless gets the film’s biggest laugh, which I won’t spoil. The film works in little moments like that, but there’s not enough of them to quite make the grade. There’s certainly not enough Famke Janssen, not only is she saddled once again with a useless part, but she’s even more poorly used than usual. She’s so talented, it’s such a shame Hollywood doesn’t appear to be terribly interested in her anymore.

For an actor who has come across like a miserable prick since about 1998, Bruce Willis is surprisingly likeable in this dopey, formulaic detective comedy. It’s not bad, but it’d be nothing without the cast and Willis was seemingly having more fun than I was. It’s amiable but a bit spotty.

Rating: C+