Review: Immortals

Mickey Rourke is King Hyperion, searching for a magical bow that will unleash the Titans from captivity and unleash hell upon the gods, whom he wants to rid the world of completely. Attempting to thwart his plans is the brave peasant Theseus (Henry Cavill), whose mother was among several killed by Hyperion and his minions. Freida Pinto plays a supposed Oracle, who can guide Hyperion to the whereabouts of bow. Instead, she hooks up with Theseus and his fellow slaves, including thief Stavros, played by Stephen Dorff (Yes, that Stephen Dorff). Luke Evans plays Zeus, Isabel Lucas is his daughter Athena, and John Hurt is credited as ‘Old Man’, who narrates the film.

It looks like “300”, is about a similar subject to “300”, and at the end of the day, this 2011 flick from Tarsem Singh (director of “The Cell” and REM’s ‘Losing My Religion’ video) is pretty much as good as “300” (or “Clash of the Titans”). And in my view, that means it’s somewhat watchable, but nothing memorable. The shame is that it might’ve ended up better or at least more fun than “300” if not for the fact that about ¾ of the film passes before we get any real action. Say what you will about the quality of the MTV-edited action in “300” but at least it was rather plentiful and frequent. The battle here, when it comes, is thankfully free of MTV nonsense, but it’s too late. Nice decapitation, however.

The other obstacle in the film’s way is that Henry Cavill provides a pretty dull dramatic centre. Gerard Butler might’ve been a bit one-note in “300”, but at least he was lively, in a hammy way, and this film could’ve used a few slices of ham. Cavill is too pensive, not suitably heroic enough (in this film at least), and frankly rather wooden. The only ham here is provided by Mickey Rourke, who at first seems an odd fit in this sort of thing, and I was worried the actor was back to his bad, pre-1997 wannabe Brando self. However, although very silly, he at least provides a grungy menace that is sorely needed, to be honest. He also looks to be having a lot of fun, which is good for him, and to an extent, us. He’s entertaining...or something, at least. Meanwhile, his headgear is insane and has to be seen to be believed. I have no idea what it is, and it’s bloody awful, but bloody marvellous at the same time. Unfortunately, his minions all wear masks that muffle the majority of their dialogue. Bad idea, and I’m sure screenwriters Charles and Vlas Parlapanides weren’t happy that their words ended up largely unintelligible. The costume designer earns their keep, however, as the costumes are all wonderfully silly.

The rest of the cast looks insanely eclectic on paper, I must say. Stephen Dorff doesn’t belong anywhere near a film like this and isn’t quite as successful as Rourke in looking like he wants to be here. Still, he’s an underrated actor and I hope he finds the right role sometime soon. He doesn’t get a whole lot of screen time here. Stephen McHattie seemed out of place in “300” and is still strangely cast here, but his performance is a lot better this time. Luke Evans isn’t terrible as Zeus, though looks only about 10-15 years older than Isabel Lucas playing his daughter. He’s OK, but it’s the kind of role you expect a big name to take on, not Evans, a familiar face, but hardly a household name. He does have a lasso of fire, however, and that is freaking awesome. I really think the film could’ve benefited from some classy ham somewhere in the cast (aside from Rourke) from an old pro like John Rhys-Davies, Brian Blessed, or Julian Sands. Hell, Bruce Payne would do. Unfortunately we don’t get it, and Evans certainly isn’t that kind of actor. It does have John Hurt, however, and in addition to narrating the film, does his best to treat the material like Shakespeare, as most theatrically-trained British actors are wont to do. Sadly, he’s not in the film enough to really give the film a boost. Then we get to the women, namely Freida Pinto and Isabel Lucas. Pinto is photographed very lovely by Singh and cinematographer Brendan Galvin (the remake of “Flight of the Phoenix”), but Hollywood still has absolutely no idea what to do with her as an actress. Her nude double has a spectacular arse, though. Full marks there. Aussie Lucas, meanwhile, is still unaware that she’s being filmed, seemingly completely lost on screen. Why won’t someone tell this poor girl that acting isn’t for her? She’s appalling and completely lacking in presence or charisma.

The film looks pretty, no doubt about it and has more colour than “300” was afforded. I could argue the film needs more sunlight, but the muted palette suits what is a fairly dark and brooding film. It’s kinda nice to see a dark and brutal vision of ancient times, certainly darker than either version of “Clash of the Titans”. The film overall isn’t all that good, but it’s watchable, a little weird, and the music score by Trevor Morris is strong and appropriate, unlike the silly rock score for “300”. I get the feeling Tarsem will direct a great movie one day, but this isn’t it. It’s a silly film, not especially memorable or accomplished, but kinda amusing for the undemanding.

Rating: C+