Review: Jaws 3D

Set not in Amity, but Florida’s Sea World, this sequel has Chief Brody’s two sons facing their own shark problem. How a shark can find its way into an amusement park is one of life’s greatest mysteries, but never mind, this is a movie after all. Dennis Quaid is Mike Brody, the park’s chief engineer who is currently bonking the park’s senior biologist Bess Armstrong. Both find a baby shark, which of course they end up using as an attraction. Let’s just say that mummy doesn’t take kindly to those who snatcher baby away from her. In fact, she gets awfully bitey. Did I mention that mummy is 35 feet in length? John Putch plays younger brother Sean Brody, whose girlfriend is Lea Thompson, one of the park’s water-skiers (shark + water skiers= uh-oh!). Lou Gossett Jr. is the park head honcho who ignorantly refuses to listen to Quaid and Armstrong and close the damn park. Money to be made, tourists...you know the drill by now. Simon MacCorkindale plays a dashing but arrogant and reckless adventurer and photographer, whose services Gossett employs, much to the annoyance of animal lover Armstrong.

1983 directorial debut by production designer Joe Alves (who also worked on the two previous “Jaws” movies in varying capacities), who can be thankful to the makers of “Jaws: The Revenge”, that he hasn’t made the worst film in the series. There’s nothing offensively wrong with it, it’s just that it’s “Jaws 3” and doesn’t bring a whole lot new to the table. Right from the opening scenes you can tell this is meant to have been played with the artificial third dimension added, that isn’t all that much of an addition. I bet that severed arm bit looked awesome in 3D, though. There’s a few decent ‘boo!’ moments here and there, too, though it’s odd that some of the shark footage is obviously sped-up. A shark’s dangerousness has little to do with its speed, Mr. Alves! That’s a shame, because some of the shark scenes are fairly inventive, at least for a film with the number three in its title.

It’s all a bit silly and schlocky, but more importantly, it’s also really clichéd and unnecessary, and the film never overcomes that. No original cast members signed on for this one, so that’s not a good omen going in, but that’s not the problem. The Sea World setting and reliable cast only serve to make it a bit more watchable than it could’ve been, that’s all. And yet, the direction is fine for a B-movie, and the script certainly isn’t atrocious, just blah. It’s like a bland version of an Irwin Allen disaster film, with the characters played by Quaid, Gossett, and MacCorkindale being very Irwin Allen-esque. MacCorkindale’s character is obviously modelled on Jacques Cousteau, but is the one element here that seems to play better in 2018 than in 1983. After enduring The Croc Hunter and Bear Grylls (not to mention rich guys like Richard Branson and Elon Musk), MacCorkindale’s reckless adventurer schtick doesn’t seem quite so hammy, so much as eerily prescient. It’s always good to see Brit character actor P.H. Moriarty too, as MacCorkindale’s trusted right-hand man. Meanwhile, a debuting Thompson is hot and shows more charisma (though much less skin than in “All the Right Moves”) than anyone else in the film, including Oscar-winner Lou Gossett Jr. Actually, Gossett’s pretty damn good in a terrible role, sort of a rip-off of the imbecilic role Murray Hamilton played in the first one. Armstrong and Putch are pretty putrid in their roles, as are a few of the lesser names. The worst thing about the film is the godawful cinematography by James A. Contner (“Nighthawks”, “Monkey Shines”) is so atrociously lit that you can barely see anything, especially for the night scenes.

At any rate, it’s far from the worst 3D movie I’ve seen, and not the worst “Jaws” film, either. It’s almost worth seeing just for its shock scenes, of bodies heading towards the glass of the underwater aquarium, reaffirming my suspicions and fears about such places. The film’s bravura moment (unspoiled by me, but it’s the only thing anyone really remembers about the film), is wonderfully built-up to, and whilst entirely ridiculous, it’s a bravura moment, nonetheless. But that’s really all that’s memorable, I’m afraid. Scripted by veteran scribe Richard Matheson (“The Incredible Shrinking Man”, “The Raven”, “The House of Usher”, “The Comedy of Terrors”) and Carl Gottlieb (the two previous “Jaws” films), from a story by Guerdon Trueblood (“The Last Hard Men”). This is pretty meh. At best.

Rating: C