Review: Ten Little Indians

Set in the 1930s, ten disparate characters go on an African Safari at the behest of a mysterious benefactor. When reaching their destined campsite, the travellers begin to tell their stories of how they were summoned by the still-absent host. And then the murders begin, one by one, just like the title poem. It appears that each of them has a skeleton or two in the closet, and more importantly, one of them is most likely the killer. Frank Stallone plays Capt. Lombard, hired by the host to lead the safari, but whose luggage bears another person’s name. Donald Pleasence plays the ‘hanging Judge’ Wargrave, Herbert Lom is General Romensky (when didn’t Lom play an authority figure during this stage in his career?), Paul L. Smith and Moira Lister play the camp cooks Elmo and Ethel, Brenda Vaccaro is Marion Marshall, an aging and plump actress, Yehuda Efroni plays doctor Hans Werner, Warren Berlinger is American detective Blore, Neil McCarthy plays caddish British gentleman Anthony Marston, and Sarah Maur Thorp turns up as Vera Claythorne, a former nanny. Let the games (and the guessing) begin.

This cheap 1989 version of the Agatha Christie whodunit is from director Alan Birkinshaw (an Aussie by birth) and the people at Cannon, purveyors of everything Chuck Norris and 80s-era Charles Bronson, so you know it’s going to be quality. Sarcasm aside, this cheapie does have one thing going for it; The Christie mystery, whilst not a classic in my opinion, still works fine for the most part. In fact, despite having seen one of producer Harry Alan Towers’ previous adaptations of this tale (the guy’s produced at least three adaptations!), I still wasn’t sure whodunit, and ultimately guessed wrong after having changed my mind several times. Yep, I knew the story and still came up with egg on my face. Having said that, the unlikely casting is as much to blame for that as anything, because when I found out who it was, it did seem obvious, I simply missed it. I honestly couldn’t see any of these people being the culprit (In most cases, for instance, the actors looked too old or fat to carry the murder plot out, which involved quite a bit of physicality).

The cast, for their efforts, are mostly efficient (even Frank ‘Far From Over’ Stallone is competent), but not particularly memorable, with the talented Vaccaro especially disappointing (though she does have an eyebrow-raising revelation scene). Smith, an effective and enjoyable actor in schlocky films (he was also Bluto in “Popeye” and the sadistic guard in “Midnight Express”, roles that didn’t require too much speaking), flounders pretty badly here, glowering hammily in the background of most scenes. He has either been misdirected, or simply doesn’t have the chops. Meanwhile, Berlinger, normally a supporting player of minimal distinction, is utterly forgettable in his role, likewise Maur Thorp (who had a supporting role opposite Lom and Pleasence in another Cannon/Harry Alan Towers film, the watchable adventure flick “River of Death”). Pleasence and Lom probably come off best, which isn’t a surprise, really (Lom was in the previous version I saw, but in a different role), though McCarthy’s foppish Brit act is pretty damn funny, in a horribly caricatured kind of way. But they and the mystery aren’t enough, this is pretty shoddy stuff. The shift in location to the African jungle is a dopey one, as it robs the story of its ‘old spooky house’ vibe. The screenplay by a couple of low-rent directors, Jackson Hunsicker (writer-director of the lame “Oddball Hall”, with Don Ameche and Burgess Meredith) and Gerry O'Hara (director of “Maroc 7” and “The Bitch”) is seriously deprived of wit and sparkle if you ask me.

The film isn’t particularly terrible (if you can’t guess the killer, the film has at least done part of its job somewhat effectively, inadvertently or not), but it is terribly bland, cheap and forgettable. Prolific producer Towers (who seemed to work with Cannon’s Golan-Globus team several times over the years, but I’m not sure if he was part of the Cannon Group officially) would reunite with director Birkinshaw and most of the cast for a couple of cheap Poe adaptations, “Masque of the Red Death” and “House of Usher”.

Rating: C