Review: Blockers

Three overly protective parents (Leslie Mann, John Cena, and Ike Barinholtz) learn their teenage daughters (Kathryn Newton, Geraldine Viswanathan and Gideon Adlon) have made a sex pact for prom night, and make plans of their own to stop it from happening. Bodily function humour ensues.

If your joke title has to be cut in half, surely it’s best to just call the film something else entirely, yes? This 2018 comedy is really “Cock Blockers”. It’s also really…not good. It’s the kind of film that in addition to a dirty joke title it can’t fully commit to, casts John Cena as an overly protective father and runs that one gag into the ground before the end of the first act.

Although the film has been directed by a woman named Kay Cannon (writer of “Pitch Perfect” and a novice director), it’s unsurprising to me that the film’s screenwriters are men: Jim and Brian Kehoe (writers of the very classy-sounding “The Hand Job”). That’s because for a film with predominantly female protagonists and purporting to give a female POV to its “Losin’ It” premise, the female characters in no way, shape or form come across as credible. I know I’m nearly 40 and male, but I refuse to believe that teenage girls in 2018-19 talk like these girls. They’re actually quite creepy if you ask me. Part of that is that two thirds of the central trio of teenage girls are played by weird and off-putting actresses, with Kathryn Newton unable to make up the difference as the third.

I’m not gonna lie and say there’s nothing funny in the film. The special prom night cake is pretty damn funny. The bit where the parents try to decipher their kids’ use of emojis is cute, too. I also giggled at a limo driver’s attempt at pulling a “Dukes of Hazzard” manoeuvre as well. Also, John Cena does try hard here, and is enjoying himself even if I wasn’t particularly enjoying him here. In fact, he’s involved in the film’s most degrading scene that isn’t remotely funny. You’ll know it when you see it because even for a silly gross-out comedy it isn’t remotely believable. In any way. The mass vomit scene, meanwhile just goes to show how hard it is to get that kind of thing right. Monty Python did it. “Stand By Me” did it. This film…doesn’t. The one performance I did actually enjoy here was from the usually bland Ike Barinholtz as the deadbeat dad who really does mean well. He’s genuinely funny in a film rather short on laughs.

Even if you do find yourself somehow buying any of what the filmmakers are selling thematically, the film is nonetheless sloppily set-up as it has to rush through a long period of time just for its opening act. It does so too quickly and jarringly. I think the biggest problem here though, is that the filmmakers have tried for a gross-out, “Hangover”-style comedy approach, where a more serious-minded (but still comedic) John Hughes approach would’ve been much better. Even “American Pie” had some sweetness and a little insight in there from time to time in between all the pie-fucking and flute stories.

A creepy gross-out teen sex comedy with a gender switch and an inclusion of parental characters. The new wrinkles don’t add anything because the execution is massively botched. Quite poorly done, despite a few giggles here and there. Lots of people liked it- even serious critics- so don’t necessarily just take my word for it.  

Rating: C-